Rugby Inovation 🏉🏉🏉

In the Coronavirus lockdown period for all sports Leicester Tigers are once again leading the way forward.
In my first blog on this subject “ Rugby Balls 🏉”.   I wrote about how the Old Farts at the RFU had proposed changing some of the rules to accommodate the Governments requirement for social distancing.

This was followed by “ Rugby Balls 🏉🏉” which showed how our creative coaching team could lift us from the bottom of the league back up to our rightful position challenging for honours in Europe.    Albeit this may not be this year☹️

Now in these desperate times for sport, British technology is coming to the rescue. A technology company in London called “Sportable” has been trialing  a new smart rugby ball with a computer chip which could be a game-changer.     Importantly, it is being tested at LEISTER TIGERS, so we will have the advantage of a head start.
The all-knowing chip can track the ball position, spin rate, direction of travel, altitude, air pressure and temperature …. and probably the time of day as well as keep score.
The pedestrian Rugby Football Union and their coach, Eddie Bones,  think the new smart ball can be used to transmit to referees when the ball is passed forward,  ….  or knocked on ….. or not thrown straight in the line-out ….. or properly touched down for a try.      Admittedly this would save at least half the game time,  while the officials  spend endless minutes looking at TV replays.

However, the Tigers head coach, Jordan Murphy, has an even better plan.   He and his eleven or so other assistant coaches, who all have spent hours playing  games on computers, have hacked into the smart ball  programme.    They have reprogrammed the chip to show that Leicester Tigers players never throw the ball forward. …  never ever knock it on …. always throw it straight in the line out ….and without fail touch down trys .     As an added advantage the ball has been programmed to swerve away from the posts should the opposition manage to convert a try .

Thanks to Jordan, “ Next season should be a game changer!”

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Pangolin News

It was July last year when a pangolin popped into my head.   Not literally you understand, but once he was here I couldn’t shake him out for a long time.    Infact it was December,  before I stopped writing about the friendly little devil 👿    ( You can see all my earlier posts on the subject by clicking on “Pangolin” at the bottom of the TAG Cloud)

Now the little blighter is back again and he may not be  so friendly, just more of a devil  👿👿👿👿👿👿

A report in the New York Times on the 5th May speculated on whether the Chinese   appetite for eating pangolin meat and a belief that their scales have healing properties may have led to the outbreak of Coronavirus.

I have no idea if there is any truth in this, but I won’t  be buying anymore mugs or tee shirts and nor will I be celebrating World Pangolin Day on my birthday next year !

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Standard Life Insurance? Part 2.

This blog is the sequel to the post I wrote last month about my investigation into a dripping tap of wasted money that I have  been paying out for over 40 years !   (You can find it by clicking on February 2020 in the Archive —— just in case anyone reads this in the cloud in 40 years time and can’t speak to a wonderful Scottish lady called Ellen who assisted me in my search for the lost policy)

The story began in 1972 when I wanted to pay for a deposit on my first house,.    I had not got a house, but if you wanted to buy one at an auction you had to cough up 10% of the money straight away and pay the balance in 28 days.   As a poorly paid, still yet to qualify, long-haired architect in Nottingham I was seen as quite a risk by the bank manager when I asked him for the huge sum of £3000 !     I didn’t have a mask or a gun, but you would think I was holding up his West Bridgeford branch of the NatWest bank.    No alarm bells rang, but he sent me packing with an instruction to “ Get yourself £3000 of life insurance as security,  before I can lend you a penny !”     I must admit I had not intended to threaten the whole future of the banking industry with my reckless spending.    Who knows, I might have caused a run on the pound ?

So off I went to find a trusted friend, a stalwart of the insurance world.   Where else but in the club  house of  Old Nottinghamians Rugby Club.    People you could fall back on after a failed bank robbery😀     What better than a prop forward?    Although, John Ullyat was better at propping up the bar these days, when he wasn’t selling life insurance.

Now I’ve got it 💡   Thanks to that tight-fisted bank manager and my trusty prop forward friend that is how I finally secured my first house, with a £3,000 life insurance policy from Standard Life.    Phew!  That took a bit of remembering.

Forty seven years and 2345 payments of £2.68 pence  later the lovely lady from Standard Life tells me it is now worth  a vast fortune of £1,977 and 79 pence, if I wish to surrender it.    But, as a one-time attempted bank robber, I’m Butch Cassidy, or maybe The Sundance Kid and you’re not getting my money back.    I’m going to keep paying the £2.68 pence until I get my £3,000 life insurance or I’ll die doing it!

If my calculations are correct I should be robbing the bank or at least the Standard Life Insurance Company in just another 26 years ! 🤠

 

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Rugby Balls Up🏉🏉

This post follows my earlier post about the impact of Coronavirus on the Rugby world and my once excellent all winning team  Leicester Tigers.

They have not been playing well all season  ,,,,  dropping the 🏉 …… not catching the 🏉 …… missing tackles …. missing through injury …. missing through endless International matches.    It’s not been a good season so far☹️       I think the players might have had Coronavirus for some time, possibly for several seasons !

The old buffers at the Rugby Football Union have called a “temporary” halt to the season which could last until April.    No mention of wether they ment April 2020 or April 2021 or just sometime in the distant future.      They have sent our International players back.       Unfortunately half of them are injured and the other half have to go into quarantine ☹️

That’s the bad news, but, there is some good news to brighten up the loyal fans.    Our excellent ever optimistic coach, Jordan Murphy has been thinking out of the box to come up with a recovery plan.     He has recruited some new players from South Africa and New Zealand where Coronavirus hasn’t taken hold yet.    He has just got to figure out how to get them over here now there are no plane flights.  Rumour has is he is also looking at China, so we can get a few more players with unpronounceable names into the starting line up 🤡

Jordan is adamant that next weeks game against top of the table Exeter Chiefs will still go ahead.     “If Exeter don’t turn up we should win and get a bonus point ! ” said Jordan in a rousing team talk to each player individually, now that they are not allowed to gather in groups.       They also haven’t been able to train together because of the Governments new rules on social distancing.

Ticket sales will have to be limited to FOUR.    One in each stand and all will have to ware the new Tiger Onesie protective gear which can be purchased in the club shop for only  £150 plus VAT.     Masks are extra.

🏉 HURRY GET YOUR TICKET TODAY 🏉

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Corona V GrumbleSmiles

You can’t let all this endless talk about Coronavirus get you down.

Goodness knows there are plenty of reasons to  grumble about it :-

  • confined to the house for the next twelve weeks – nationalised house arrest courtesy of Bodj 🤡
  • whatsmore it will probably be a lot longer than this  —— maybe 6 months without time off for good behaviour.     Bodj has a track record of missing deadlines, remember Brexit🤡
  • No sport on the tele – no rugby 🏉   no football ⚽️ no cricket , 🏏 and no tennis  🏸— thank goodness.
  • No going to watch Leicester Tigers — although this season that was turning out to be a bit of a trial anyway☹️
  • No cruises, definitely no cruises.
  • Our politicians are busy printing and spending money we haven’t got. Still it makes them think they are doing something in a crisis.
  • Every TV news programme with exactly the same news as every other  news programme, repeated every hour of every day.
  • Scientists emerging from laboratories to step into the TV sunlight for their two minutes of fame.   Professors of virology and epidemiology and immunology and immunodeficiency and sociology and behavioural science and all sorts of ologies you have never even heard of.    All with “expert “ opinions on their ologies.     From eminent universities like Oxford and Cambridge and Lancaster and Doncaster and every other caster.      Probably everybody is a Professor at sometime in their life 👨‍🎓
  • Countless reminders about washing your hands, again and again and again.

But what about Coronavirus smiles :-

  • With all the flight bans and empty cruise ships and shut down shops and factories we are dramatically cutting down our carbon emissions, so Coronavirus could save the planet from global warming. —- although there might not be many older people left to enjoy it.
  • Spring is on the way and the birds are singing.   Obviously no one has told the flowers or the birds about CORONAVIRUS !
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Brave ??? NewWorld

We are waking up in a New World, but we don’t know yet if it will be a Brave one.    That will depend on how much changes and how much we can hold on to …….. and for a while we won’t know.

WHAT  COULD  CHANGE in the short term?

  • We may not all be here, but the lottery of who will be and who won’t has yet to be drawn.
  • What seems clear so far is that there will not be so many older people.
  • Nor will there be any cruises for the foreseeable future.
  • Our money will be worth a lot lees or in the worst case worthless.
  • Holding people and whole countries to ransom could be the new norm ?
  • Brexit will be a thing of the past, because there will be no Europe to exit.
  • We won’t need a new runway at Heathrow, because there will be a lot less airlines and nowhere to fly to.
  • HS2 need never be built, because we will not need to rush anywhere.
  • We will not require Bodj’s 40  new hospitals, because there will be plenty of spare beds soon and any way we won’t have any medicine.

The House of Lards won’t need to be abolished, because most of them will have died off.    The House of Commons will become a debating chamber purely for daytime TV, because events will continue to unfold long before our politicians can do anything about them.

The birds will still tweet and there will be something to eat.

             MORE OF THIS ADVENTURE NEXT WEEK.

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Rugby Balls🏉

The Rugby Football Union are extremely concerned about the corona virus now that two International matches against Italy have had to be cancelled.     They are very worried about the loss of income if more matches can’t go ahead, so they have devised a cunning plan, which involves a new set of rules for the game.

  • The pitch will be disinfected before the match and players scoring a try will not touch down in case it gets the ball dirty.
  • Wipe ball with anti-septic cloth before passing it on to another player.
  • No touching other players just shout BOO!
  • No drinking from shared bottles, the game is to be stopped every 10 minutes for players to get their own bottle from the touch line.
  • Players with a blood injury during the game will be immediately be sent to hospital and blood tested. They can return to the pitch if they can get back before the match is over.
  • All pies and pints sold will contain a small measure of Dettol to protect other spectators.   This is not likely to make the pies taste any different😀
  • Players temperatures will be tested at half time and anyone over  98 degrees will be given a red card and sent into quarantine for the next two weeks.
  • The referee will not be allowed to blow his whistle as it might spread germs, instead he will wave a red flag 🚩 and jump up and down on the spot until the players stop running about.
  • There will be no hand shakes after match just buy every one a drink of vitamin C.
  • Spectators are most welcome, because the RFU needs the income, but they should not sing or shout during the game, just polite clapping and definitely no high fives.
  • After the game they should troupe out of the ground leaving five feet between them and the next person.    This may mean it take four or five hours to exit the stadium.
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