GrumbleSmiles

Prime Minister Bodj has had a hard time of it in the last two Coronapop years. After his great success with Brexit he has slowly slipped down the popularity polls. An ungrateful electorate has lost him two bi-elections and the media are relentless in their criticism of his wallpaper and the occasional Christmas party. Half the people want more lockdowns and the other half don’t. Some want masks and just as many don’t. Everybody wants more money but nobody wants to pay for it.

Last, but certainly not least there is Coronapop, which just won’t go away. When you get on top of one virus variant, another pops up. The scientists will be running out of the Greek alphabet before they are finished.

So Bodj has decided that enough is enough. What he needs is to bring back the Last Laugh Looney Party to help him with some new ideas for a New Year Revolution.

Ideas that will cement Boris in power for the next decade or two, but not up two 2050 when the climate might have got a bit too hot for comfort.

Firstly, to deal with Coronapop. All people who are not fully vaccinated and boosted, who get the bug, will be sent to a new nightingale pop-up hospital on the Isle of People ( formally called the Isle of Man ) It will be staffed by the NHS doctors and nurses who have refused to have the jab. If the patients recover they can return to the mainland after sixteen negative tests, providing they wear a face-mask for 12 months and don’t get closer than two meters to anyone.

Secondly, we have the Scottish problem. The solution is simple. Redraw the national boundaries so that all of the mainland and almost all of the Islands are redefined as English counties. Just leaving Rockall as Scotland, which will be freely granted independence without the need for a referendum. Lady Nicola and all her SNP MP’s will be free to rejoin the EU. A happy coincidence is that Bodj will have less opposition MP’s in parliament.

The third big issue facing Bodj is “levelling up”, whatever that means. But added to that is ” illegal immigration”, which Pretty Useless has completely failed to stop. Fortunately the LLLP has an answer to both issues in one move. All migrants will be welcome to stay if instead of landing at Dover, they can navigate their inflatables to the country formally known as Scotland. On arrival they will be granted provisional citizenship and given a ”digging ” job. After one year of digging or 100 tons they will be granted full citizenship and the right to vote for Bodj.

Digging tasks will include planting ten million trees and levelling down some of the highest mountains. Bodj thinks this will help raise the average level of the rest of the UK. The incentive to keep digging is that Bodj has spread a rumour that ”There is gold in them there hills”, which may or may not be true.

So there we have it.

Coronapop contained. The SNP vanquished. Immigration solved and the country levelled up.

Another Bodj masterstroke !

What with all the fuss about Coronapop , people are forgetting about the advancing threat of climate change. Yet days ago we had week long power outages in Scotland.

Luckily, our Great Leader, His Excellency, Prime Minister for-the-moment Bodj, is still fresh from his World leading success at the COP26 conference. Despairing of all the other world leaders, Bodj has had another Great Idea for Britain to set an example for the world.

He has a ten point plan to conserve energy, improve peoples health and power the country without the need for fossil fuels :-

1. All homes will be equipped with a Boris Running Wheel, connected to a generator which is connected to the National Grid.
   
2. Everyone over 7 years old and under 90, will be expected to run on the wheel for a minimum of one hour a day. NHS staff will be exempt, except for administrators.
3. Children can do their running at school..
4. Prisoners will be required to do 8 hours walking every day, as well as one hour running.
5. To conserve energy TV will be limited to the one hour Boris address to the nation each day. This means the BBC grant and TV licence fee will be cut to a big fat zero.
6. With everyone working from home, travel costs and energy consumption will be dramatically reduced.
7. The Boris Running Wheel will prevent people becoming couch potatoes and significantly improve the health of the nation.
8. Boris
9. is still thinking about
10. the last three points of his plan ????

Bodj thinks this Great Idea of his will improve the health of the nation and give us enough power. Although, he is still working on the details 😀

There is no stopping him now. His Boris Wall idea has really captured peoples imagination and the Boris paddy fields have gone down a storm, except in Somerset. The Chinese leader is not too happy, because he says they thought of the Great Wall and the paddy fields first. Still Bodj is unapologetic and says ” If Mr Ho Ho has better ideas he should have come to the Cop26 conference ”.

Meanwhile Prime Minister, President, soon to be King Bodj is pressing on with the BGPCCC – his game changing plan to combat climate change. He is now launching Plan D, which stands for ”DON’T”.

DON’T go on an aeroplane ever again, balloons are OK provided they are powered by politicians hot air. Or if you know a famous person with a private jet you can hitch a lift.

DON’T drive any car, other than an electric Boris car, which has a maximum range of 100 miles. The Transport Minister, Grant Snaps will be installing a country-wide network of charging stations no less than 101 miles apart.

DON’T go on a cruise anywhere, cruises are off limits, unless it is a sailing ship, or the all new hydrogen powered Boris Luxery Yacht, or a rowing boat, or a paddle canoe.

DON’T queue for the Boris HS2 super fast train yet. It will not be leaving the station until 2040, or 50, or maybe never.

DON’T cycle on the pavements. Providing you are on a Boris Bike you will have priority on all roads and can only be overtaken on duel carriageways or motorways.

DON’T use plastic or elastic. Use brown paper packages tied up with string.

DON’T do as Bodj does, DO AS BORIS SAYS !

Prime Mister Bodj has almost singlehandedly beaten Coronapop. Well almost. Now he is hoping to have the same success in showing the world how to beat climate change.

However, he was unable to persuade the other world leaders at the Cop 26 conference to commit to anything other than Blah, Blah, Blah. A shame they are not as enlightened as our great leader !

Therefore, Bodj’s first move— Plan B — was clearly the right thing to do. Now his second step with Plan C is to increase the height of the sea defence Boris Wall to 20 meters to cope with the forecast rise in sea levels. Statues of Boris will be erected all along the wall to remind people who had this great idea. Bodj seemed to recall that King Canute had a similar idea of keeping back the tides, but he made the mistake of not building a wall.

Of course we will need a lot more immigrants to build the higher wall. The Home Secretary, Pretty Useless, has been instructed to send all our aircraft carriers to low lying islands like Barbados and the Maldives and other places that Bodj can’t remember and rescue all the people who can lift heavy stones. The Ben Nevis will eventually become a very very deep hole and be renamed Nichola’s Folly.

One thing nobody thought about was the rivers which will not be able to flow into the sea once the Boris Wall is finished. But Bodj has an answer for that we will make a virtue of the annual floods and turn them into paddy fields ( renamed Boris fields ). The Somerset Levels will become the largest rice producing area in Europe —- just another example of Bodj levelling up Britain.

It is going to get a lot hotter a soon Great Britain will be the Caribbean of the north.

MORE OF BODJ’S GREAT IDEAS TO COMBAT CLIMATE CHANGE SOON.

This weekend the climate change conference, COP26, is coming to a close and Bodj will claim it is a great success. But the reality is rather different and all the empty promises by here-today, gone-tomorrow politicians are nothing more than hot air.

Bodj is gradually waking up to the reality that climate change is going to happen so he is pushing ahead with his Plan B solution of a Boris Wall, described in the previous blog.

This is already being haled as a resounding success for Home Secretary, Pretty Useless; now she has brought thousands more migrants across the channel in a armada of Boris dingy’s. French President Macaroon has given her the Legion d’Honour medal for her humanitarian work with refugees.

Meanwhile, Bodj is turning his attention to masterminding the next thirty years of his Grand Plan for Combatting Climate Change, henceforth to be called the BGPCCC. Not to be confused with Brexit or Building Back Better, or levelling up, or any other earlier slogan.

The BGPCCC will start with a Plan A, although it follows Plan B. Plan A will start with a long range weather forecast for the next 30 years.

• We will have frequent floods in the UK every year.
• The wind will sometimes not blow at all, causing power cuts, but there will also be gales, lots of gales, causing trees to block roads and depositing leaves on railway lines.
• In the summer it will be sunny, very sunny with temperatures in excess of 50 degrees, which is hot, very hot.
• Thunder and lightening will be very, very frightening. Mama Mia.
• Not forgetting the snow. Snow will fall when weather forecasters least expect it —- in the winter.
  

In short it is all going to be very un predictable, putting weather forecasters every where out of a job 🤡

In spite of all this Prime Minister President Bodj remains optimistic and his first rambling thoughts to be included in his BGPCCC are listed below in no particular order, because is that the way Bodj thinks :-

🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧 Buy British ! No more imports, this should solve the lorry driver shortage at a stroke and improve the balance of payment crisis and stop all those arguments with Europe about regulations.

• We will all have to grow our own veg and there will be no more bananas or pineapples until the climate warms up, which won’t be long. All city parks will be turned into allotments manned by Monty Don’s.
• Because of the latest furore about MP’s moonlighting with lucrative second jobs, Bodj has decided that ALL MP’s must have second jobs, in future to show their commitment to the BGPCCC, they will work for the Boris Forestry Commission one day a week. Every Thursday MP’s must be in their constituencies planting trees in high visability jackets so that voters can see what they are upto – a bit like community service 😀 They will have to plant 1,000 trees a year until temperatures start to fall. There will be no cheating by planting little acorns — trees must native species at least 3 years old — and there must be a before and after photograph as proof of MP planting. Failure to plant trees will lead to an instant by-election.
• The new forests will all be called “Boris Woods”, to mark our great leaders contribution to saving the planet.
• Oh and one more thing …. we all have to drive Boris electric cars, with a maximum range of 30 miles. Public must be used for longer journeys.

And another thing —- Carrie, the latest first lady, says we all have to become vegetarians, because all those cows and sheep pooing are releasing too much methane into the atmosphere.

NO DOUBT THERE WILL BE MORE, IF BODJ IS TO SAVE THE WORLD FROM MELTDOWN.

Bodj has been really racking his brains thinking about his Grand Plan for defeating climate change. It is quite clear to him that all the other world leaders are not grasping the nettle. They are just not as bold as Bodj.

He hasn’t got the whole solution yet, but incase nothing much comes out of the Glasgow conference, he needs a Plan B. And that’s when it came to him —— he will build a Lasting monument to his genius —— a BORIS WALL.

After all the Chinese had one and the Russians built one in Berlin and even next President Trump was building a chainlink fence.

This could be the answer to two of the biggest issues facing Bodj —— rising sea levels and mass immigration. Britain has a 19,491 mile long coastline only half of which is protected by cliffs, which leaves about 10,000 miles where the sea could pour in if sea levels continue to rise. A 10 meter high Boris Wall would be a life jacket around Britain.

The spendthrift chancellor Rushi-got-no-money has spent all the cash on Coronapop. But Bodj has thought of that and here is the second part of the plan. The Home Secretary, Pretty Usless needs to turn her coast guard boats around and fetch more immigrants over the channel. The only qualifying test will be can they lift big stones.

They will be granted British Citizenship automatically after the have lifted 10,000 big stones. The stones will be quarried from Ben Nevis, which is expected to be only 500 feet high when the wall is finished. So Snowden will then be the highest mountain in Great Britain, which is all part of Bodj’s plan to level up Britain.

This is all a throw back from Bodj’s student days at Oxford when he vaguely remembers smoking one of those funny cigarettes and listening to Pink Floyd ——-

“We don’t need no education, we don’t need no thought control,

all in all it’s just another brick in the wall.”

The LAST LAUGH LOONEY PARTY is back just in time to join the Cop26 conference in Glasgow along with the other world leaders and Bodj.

It has been a while, but Prime Minister Bodj was doing such a great job doing daft things he didn’t need any help from the LLLP.

Hopeless Handcock has taken one for the PM and accepted he was responsible for all the mistakes with Coronapop. Shame Bodj forgot to mention the camera he had put in all his cabinet ministers offices so that he could keep an eye on things.

Gove who had a nothing post has been shuffled to Minister of Housing and Floods and wild Fires and tornadoes and snow and droughts and heat-waves. Oh and Scottish unity! That should keep him busy for a while.

Pretty Useless is fighting “them” on the beaches and on the high seas. She is moddeling her ideas on King Canute and declaring a success with every new tide.

Meanwhile Rushi-loads-of-money is spending all the money we haven’t got. He and Bodj are getting on like a house on fire.

THAT THE CATCH UP.

MORE FROM GLASGOW NEXT WEEK

This is the next step in BODJ’s GRAND PLAN. It’s all about the money, which has never been Boris’s strong point. Rushi has been spending it like water and now he has run up £trillions of deb, he has become more popular than anyone.

Boris needs to rescue the Nation from over ambitious politicians and become the most popular one again. So he has come up with his own financial rescue plan. It is all his own work. His very original thoughts. He should have all the credit. Or is that debit? Boris is not quite sure which is which.

Before spending anymore Bodj thinks it is best to save a few Bob, although this is definitely not another austerity plan. Here are the first steps to a GRAND, recovery, levelling-up, building up better, global Britain plan :-

• Scrap HS2. Nobody wants to go to London anymore.
• Scrap Heathrow’s 4th runway. Nobody wants to fly anymore.
• Scrap the new Royal Yacht. Commandeer Phillip Green’s to cover an unpaid tax bill.
• Scrap the BBC grant and the license fee. That’ll teach them!
• Scrap the House of Lards. That will sort them out and save a fortune in expenses.
• Scrap the Regional Governments. Boris can decide everything for everyone.
• Close 50% of all Civil Service departments overnight and the rest of the staff can continue to work from home or MacDonalds if they need to be public facing. Selling off all the offices will save £trillions.
• Close down 50% of prisons and release all criminals not guilty of violent crimes or drug offences. They will be tagged and dressed in pink tutu’s so they can serve out their sentences as apple pickers, potato pickers, fruit pickers and in the winter rubbish pickers. They will have to camp in tents wherever they work.

THAT’S BODJ’S GRAND FINANCIAL PLAN , for now, which should save a few Bob. Until he has another great idea 🤡