Bodj Housing solutions

These days Prime Master, almost King, soon to win a Nobel prize, Bodj has to do all the great thinking about Britain’s future by himself. His Cabinet seem incapable of doing anything to win over voters. They just keep upsetting people by not doing as they are told.

So Bodj decided to solve the housing crisis with another of his Great Ideas. Ferris wheel housing popped into Bodj’s head when he was playing around at Peppa Pig world.

Now renamed the “Boris totally unique housing wheel” , they can be manufactured in the Tyneside and Glasgow empty shipyards. Helping to level up The North and win over voters in Scotland by creating thousands of jobs.

The solution uses very little land and the housing can be located on the outskirts of all major cities. Carefully not upsetting all Bodj’s rural not-in-my-back-yard supporters. Bodj has promised 10 thousand new homes will be built this way before the next election with every home having superb views over the countryside at each turn of the wheel.

The Boris wheel will complete one rotation each day and stop for maintenance on Sundays. This means the inhabitants of the Boris wheel housing will need to work from home for most of the time as they can only get out one day a week and they will also have to home school their children. Thereby simultaneously saving on travel costs, energy bills and the need for new schools. Each wheel will be provided with one Boris electric car in a car-sharing scheme. Yet another Bodj Great Idea to reduce the number of cars on the road😀

As a final thought to give to the Nation Bodj decided he could top the new Boris sea wall with Boris Housing wheels all around the coast of Britain. This would provide another MILLION homes in the next ten years each with a sea view.

HOUSING CRISIS SOLVED; TRAVELLING DOWN; UNEMLOPYMENT DOWN; BRITAIN LEVELLED UP.

We are truly blessed to have Bodj as our Great Leader !

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Bodj’s Even Greater Ideas.

There is no stopping him now. His Boris Wall idea has really captured peoples imagination and the Boris paddy fields have gone down a storm, except in Somerset. The Chinese leader is not too happy, because he says they thought of the Great Wall and the paddy fields first. Still Bodj is unapologetic and says ” If Mr Ho Ho has better ideas he should have come to the Cop26 conference ”.

Meanwhile Prime Minister, President, soon to be King Bodj is pressing on with the BGPCCC – his game changing plan to combat climate change. He is now launching Plan D, which stands for ”DON’T”.

DON’T go on an aeroplane ever again, balloons are OK provided they are powered by politicians hot air. Or if you know a famous person with a private jet you can hitch a lift.

DON’T drive any car, other than an electric Boris car, which has a maximum range of 100 miles. The Transport Minister, Grant Snaps will be installing a country-wide network of charging stations no less than 101 miles apart.

DON’T go on a cruise anywhere, cruises are off limits, unless it is a sailing ship, or the all new hydrogen powered Boris Luxery Yacht, or a rowing boat, or a paddle canoe.

DON’T queue for the Boris HS2 super fast train yet. It will not be leaving the station until 2040, or 50, or maybe never.

DON’T cycle on the pavements. Providing you are on a Boris Bike you will have priority on all roads and can only be overtaken on duel carriageways or motorways.

DON’T use plastic or elastic. Use brown paper packages tied up with string.

DON’T do as Bodj does, DO AS BORIS SAYS !

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Bodj’s New Rules

Prime Mister Bodj has almost singlehandedly beaten Coronapop. Well almost. Now he is hoping to have the same success in showing the world how to beat climate change.

However, he was unable to persuade the other world leaders at the Cop 26 conference to commit to anything other than Blah, Blah, Blah. A shame they are not as enlightened as our great leader !

Therefore, Bodj’s first move— Plan B — was clearly the right thing to do. Now his second step with Plan C is to increase the height of the sea defence Boris Wall to 20 meters to cope with the forecast rise in sea levels. Statues of Boris will be erected all along the wall to remind people who had this great idea. Bodj seemed to recall that King Canute had a similar idea of keeping back the tides, but he made the mistake of not building a wall.

Of course we will need a lot more immigrants to build the higher wall. The Home Secretary, Pretty Useless, has been instructed to send all our aircraft carriers to low lying islands like Barbados and the Maldives and other places that Bodj can’t remember and rescue all the people who can lift heavy stones. The Ben Nevis will eventually become a very very deep hole and be renamed Nichola’s Folly.

One thing nobody thought about was the rivers which will not be able to flow into the sea once the Boris Wall is finished. But Bodj has an answer for that we will make a virtue of the annual floods and turn them into paddy fields ( renamed Boris fields ). The Somerset Levels will become the largest rice producing area in Europe —- just another example of Bodj levelling up Britain.

It is going to get a lot hotter a soon Great Britain will be the Caribbean of the north.

MORE OF BODJ’S GREAT IDEAS TO COMBAT CLIMATE CHANGE SOON.

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Bodj’s Green Plan

This weekend the climate change conference, COP26, is coming to a close and Bodj will claim it is a great success. But the reality is rather different and all the empty promises by here-today, gone-tomorrow politicians are nothing more than hot air.

Bodj is gradually waking up to the reality that climate change is going to happen so he is pushing ahead with his Plan B solution of a Boris Wall, described in the previous blog.

This is already being haled as a resounding success for Home Secretary, Pretty Useless; now she has brought thousands more migrants across the channel in a armada of Boris dingy’s. French President Macaroon has given her the Legion d’Honour medal for her humanitarian work with refugees.

Meanwhile, Bodj is turning his attention to masterminding the next thirty years of his Grand Plan for Combatting Climate Change, henceforth to be called the BGPCCC. Not to be confused with Brexit or Building Back Better, or levelling up, or any other earlier slogan.

The BGPCCC will start with a Plan A, although it follows Plan B. Plan A will start with a long range weather forecast for the next 30 years.

  • We will have frequent floods in the UK every year.
  • The wind will sometimes not blow at all, causing power cuts, but there will also be gales, lots of gales, causing trees to block roads and depositing leaves on railway lines.
  • In the summer it will be sunny, very sunny with temperatures in excess of 50 degrees, which is hot, very hot.
  • Thunder and lightening will be very, very frightening. Mama Mia.
  • Not forgetting the snow. Snow will fall when weather forecasters least expect it —- in the winter.

In short it is all going to be very un predictable, putting weather forecasters every where out of a job 🤡

In spite of all this Prime Minister President Bodj remains optimistic and his first rambling thoughts to be included in his BGPCCC are listed below in no particular order, because is that the way Bodj thinks :-

🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧 Buy British ! No more imports, this should solve the lorry driver shortage at a stroke and improve the balance of payment crisis and stop all those arguments with Europe about regulations.

  • We will all have to grow our own veg and there will be no more bananas or pineapples until the climate warms up, which won’t be long. All city parks will be turned into allotments manned by Monty Don’s.
  • Because of the latest furore about MP’s moonlighting with lucrative second jobs, Bodj has decided that ALL MP’s must have second jobs, in future to show their commitment to the BGPCCC, they will work for the Boris Forestry Commission one day a week. Every Thursday MP’s must be in their constituencies planting trees in high visability jackets so that voters can see what they are upto – a bit like community service 😀 They will have to plant 1,000 trees a year until temperatures start to fall. There will be no cheating by planting little acorns — trees must native species at least 3 years old — and there must be a before and after photograph as proof of MP planting. Failure to plant trees will lead to an instant by-election.
  • The new forests will all be called “Boris Woods”, to mark our great leaders contribution to saving the planet.
  • Oh and one more thing …. we all have to drive Boris electric cars, with a maximum range of 30 miles. Public must be used for longer journeys.

And another thing —- Carrie, the latest first lady, says we all have to become vegetarians, because all those cows and sheep pooing are releasing too much methane into the atmosphere.

NO DOUBT THERE WILL BE MORE, IF BODJ IS TO SAVE THE WORLD FROM MELTDOWN.

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Bodj’s Wall.

Bodj has been really racking his brains thinking about his Grand Plan for defeating climate change. It is quite clear to him that all the other world leaders are not grasping the nettle. They are just not as bold as Bodj.

He hasn’t got the whole solution yet, but incase nothing much comes out of the Glasgow conference, he needs a Plan B. And that’s when it came to him —— he will build a Lasting monument to his genius —— a BORIS WALL.

After all the Chinese had one and the Russians built one in Berlin and even next President Trump was building a chainlink fence.

This could be the answer to two of the biggest issues facing Bodj —— rising sea levels and mass immigration. Britain has a 19,491 mile long coastline only half of which is protected by cliffs, which leaves about 10,000 miles where the sea could pour in if sea levels continue to rise. A 10 meter high Boris Wall would be a life jacket around Britain.

The spendthrift chancellor Rushi-got-no-money has spent all the cash on Coronapop. But Bodj has thought of that and here is the second part of the plan. The Home Secretary, Pretty Usless needs to turn her coast guard boats around and fetch more immigrants over the channel. The only qualifying test will be can they lift big stones.

They will be granted British Citizenship automatically after the have lifted 10,000 big stones. The stones will be quarried from Ben Nevis, which is expected to be only 500 feet high when the wall is finished. So Snowden will then be the highest mountain in Great Britain, which is all part of Bodj’s plan to level up Britain.

This is all a throw back from Bodj’s student days at Oxford when he vaguely remembers smoking one of those funny cigarettes and listening to Pink Floyd ——-

“We don’t need no education, we don’t need no thought control,

all in all it’s just another brick in the wall.”

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Stop it or Cop it.

The LAST LAUGH LOONEY PARTY is back just in time to join the Cop26 conference in Glasgow along with the other world leaders and Bodj.

It has been a while, but Prime Minister Bodj was doing such a great job doing daft things he didn’t need any help from the LLLP.

Hopeless Handcock has taken one for the PM and accepted he was responsible for all the mistakes with Coronapop. Shame Bodj forgot to mention the camera he had put in all his cabinet ministers offices so that he could keep an eye on things.

Gove who had a nothing post has been shuffled to Minister of Housing and Floods and wild Fires and tornadoes and snow and droughts and heat-waves. Oh and Scottish unity! That should keep him busy for a while.

Pretty Useless is fighting “them” on the beaches and on the high seas. She is moddeling her ideas on King Canute and declaring a success with every new tide.

Meanwhile Rushi-loads-of-money is spending all the money we haven’t got. He and Bodj are getting on like a house on fire.

THAT THE CATCH UP.

MORE FROM GLASGOW NEXT WEEK

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BOGJ’s Grand Financial Plan

This is the next step in BODJ’s GRAND PLAN. It’s all about the money, which has never been Boris’s strong point. Rushi has been spending it like water and now he has run up £trillions of deb, he has become more popular than anyone.

Boris needs to rescue the Nation from over ambitious politicians and become the most popular one again. So he has come up with his own financial rescue plan. It is all his own work. His very original thoughts. He should have all the credit. Or is that debit? Boris is not quite sure which is which.

Magic money tree

Before spending anymore Bodj thinks it is best to save a few Bob, although this is definitely not another austerity plan. Here are the first steps to a GRAND, recovery, levelling-up, building up better, global Britain plan :-

  • Scrap HS2. Nobody wants to go to London anymore.
  • Scrap Heathrow’s 4th runway. Nobody wants to fly anymore.
  • Scrap the new Royal Yacht. Commandeer Phillip Green’s to cover an unpaid tax bill.
  • Scrap the BBC grant and the license fee. That’ll teach them!
  • Scrap the House of Lards. That will sort them out and save a fortune in expenses.
  • Scrap the Regional Governments. Boris can decide everything for everyone.
  • Close 50% of all Civil Service departments overnight and the rest of the staff can continue to work from home or MacDonalds if they need to be public facing. Selling off all the offices will save £trillions.
  • Close down 50% of prisons and release all criminals not guilty of violent crimes or drug offences. They will be tagged and dressed in pink tutu’s so they can serve out their sentences as apple pickers, potato pickers, fruit pickers and in the winter rubbish pickers. They will have to camp in tents wherever they work.

THAT’S BODJS GRAND FINANCIAL PLAN , for now, which should save a few Bob. Until he has another great idea 🤡

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BODJ New Coronapop Plan

Having had some time to think in his recent self-isolation BODJ has come up with a plan to defeat Coronapop. It just needs a tweaking of the rules to how we a live in the future.

Rule No 1 – JAB THE LOT

We need 100 % of people vaccinated for 100% protection. Bodj has always said “we are all in this together”. Anyone who doesn’t want a jab must self- isolate and watch repeats on the TV indefinitely.

RULE No 2 – MASK THE LOT

Everyone must ware a mask when they are outdoors or indoors. Anyone found breaking the Mask Rule will be sent to the Outer Hebrides for a long time.

RULE No 3 – MEET NO MORE THAN 10

Bodj worked this out by counting his fingers and thumbs. It all seemed so obvious.

These three simple rules will have profound implications for the way we all live in the foreseeable future :-

Outdoor Music Festivals will be limited to 10 including the performers. The audience must stay 2 meters apart and not sing or shout. Quiet clapping will be allowed.

Restaurants and bars can open but will be allowed no more than 10 customers at a time, so to make it more financially viable opening times will be extended to 24 hours with a maximum stay of 1 hour.

Night Clubs will be restricted with no singing or shouting or jumping up and down. Dancers must observe 2 metre distances and a maximum of 10 people at a time. That should be fun.

Football matches can restart but without supporters because they just keep shouting inspite of Government experts advice. Teams will be reduced to 10 and no substitutes. The referee can be exempted from the numbers but will have to ware a full hazmat suit. Players hugging after goals are scored will be given an automatic red card, so teams might be quite short of players towards the end of the game.

Similar rules will apply to all other team games. Cricket teams are advised to drop the wicketkeeper, which should result in higher scoring matches. In rugby the rule of ten will probably mean leaving out the front and second row forwards.

BODJ will appear on TV every night to advise on any more rules he thinks of. So we had better hope he doesn’t have to self- isolate again.

Next week Bodj will sort out the economy !

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Bodj Priorities

While Bodj was forced to self-isolate recently he had time to think. It’s not something he gets time to do very often, because their is so much to do. People are constantly asking him questions – difficult questions – which he has to bluster his way through. But it is not really working, because his poll ratings are going down and down, He was at the crest of a vaccine wave only a few months ago and now he is in the doldrums again. There is nothing Bodj dislikes more than being disliked,

He has just got too much on and everything is a priority :-

Coronapop – just won’t go away, those experts keep asking for more time, more restrictions, more masks, more social distance and now booster vaccines ! They will never be satisfied.

Global warming – as if is want hot enough already. It’s going to get a lot warmer. and colder and wetter and dryer. The weather can’t make up its mind.

The National Debt – £3 trillion and counting. How did Rushi- loads-a-money get us into this mess ?

Brexit Backlash – this was supposed to be sorted but the Europeans still keep complaining.

Scottish Independence- an unruly and unreliable child. They won’t be happy until Hadrian’s wall is rebuilt.

Immigration – the Scots all want to leave and everybody else can’t wait to get here.

Afghanistan – just when we though it was under control it goes out of control.

NHS waiting lists – 5 million and growing by the day, we are going to need those 40 new hospitals, or was it 10, or 50 by Christmas and where are the staff going to come from?

and

HS2 and Grade inflation and Price inflation and No 10 Interior decoration

and Alpacacide.


Who said “Two priorities are no priority at all” ?

Bodj needs a plan – A GRAND PLAN.

see next weeks thrilling episode.

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Bodj up

grumblesmiles.files.wordpress.com/2014/10/elderflower-11.jpg

Boris has been having a Coronapop time out thanks to test and trace, but this has given him space to think and he has come up with a uniquely cleaver idea to level up Britain.

It fulfils his promise to the North and may also solve the Scottish independence problem. What a master stroke !

It is all based on “latitude”.

Bodj has decided to pay people more by increasing the minimum wage by £1 for every degree of latitude you live north of London.

Here are some examples :-

  • Say the minimum wage in London is £10 / hour
  • In Milton Keynes it would rise to £15
  • In Birmingham it would reach £20
  • Liverpool and Manchester would be £30
  • Newcastle£45
  • Glasgow and Edinburgh £50
  • the Shetland Isles would be £80

Bodj thinks this would have the have the effect of moving large groups of people northwards in search of higher pay and cheaper house prices. To add to the momentum the London weighting of pay would be abolished and all Government Departments would be relocated several degrees further north.

Scotland which would have the highest rates of pay, would probably be resettled by grateful voters who would tip the balance in favour of keeping the Union.

Bodj did all the calculations on the back of a fag packet, but thinks it will only cost a few billions. It will be implemented as soon as Boris comes out of isolation in a few days time. He can’t think why anyone didn’t come up with the idea before.

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