Coronapop Rugby🏉

I last posted about rugby way back in June, when I thought the season was all over and Leicester Tigers were at the bottom of the table (bar Saracens who were relegated for cheating ).  But, I was wrong !
Prime Minister Bodj allowed the season to restart in August and with a new manager – Steve Ballsup – Tigers managed to lose some more games and drop out of Europe.
Stevie decided to give everyone a game and even called up some car park attendants, since there were no cars and no spectators.      One of his master strokes was to offload Manu Tuilagi to Sale and save Tigers a lot of money.     Not surprisingly Manu got injured after a couple of games and will be off for six months!  A familiar story to Tigers fans🤡

Sadly Tigers team of musical chair players and car park attendants still ended up bottom but one in the league at the end of the season in October.    But all is not lost yet, there are the play off finals to come.   Tigers are not in the finals, but they could be in this strangest of all seasons 🤡

Exeter are due to play Wasps at Twickenham in the Premiership play off Final, but some of the Wasps got stung by Coronapop, so the Old Farts at the RFU have asked Bristol to stand by.    But Bristol have just come back from winning the European Challenge Cup in France so they should be quarantined.    Stevie has already engaged some no win no fee lawyers to argue our case.      That takes us down to Sale who all had Coronapop last week and an injured Manu, so obviously they can’t play.     Then there is Northampton who were the super spreaders who gave Coronapop to Sale, so they should be disqualified for unfair play.
Just a few more outbreaks of Coronapop amongst the other teams and Tigers car park attendants could be in the Final.

    Well done Stevie !    What a turnaround !

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Bodj Technology

This is the final broadcast by Bodj on his manifesto for a brighter future.   If you have been tuning into Bodj’s earlier broadcasts you will recall that he has convincingly demonstrated his breakthrough thinking on keeping us all safe, healthy and well educated.    The last programme showed how Bodj will lead the world on climate change.
The final chapter of the manifesto will deal with the all pervading subject of technology.

This is Bodj’s script for tonight :-

“I coined the word “ MOONSHOT” to describe my aspiration for the Test, Track and Trace system.     And we know how well that went!

Now we need a galaxy conquering “SUNSHOT” to get our world beating, BREXIT free, economy going again.     My previous Chancellor, Rushi Havesnomemoney, got us into £trillions of debt.     I firmly believe technology holds the golden key to a brighter future.

As a result of Coronapop, I have closed down all the shops and in future you can get everything you need from the worlds one-stop shop Amazon.   They will only accept on-line orders and payments.      No money will change hands so you won’t have to wash your hancs fifty times a day.      Delivery will be by drone so you will not need to see or speak to a real person.     Amazon have generously agreed to pay £1 a year in taxes, for the exclusive rites to provide this service throughout the UK.    Except, that is for Scotland, where delivery will be by very slow bicycle, until they agree to stop banging on about independence.

Turning to health,  I am delighted to announce that technology has once again saved the day.    Our Nightingale hospitals will replace all existing NHS hospitals and all operations will be carried out by Amazon robots under the close, but remote supervision of Matt Handcockup, with his laptop computer.    Matt has been promoted to Surgeon General, after his heroics with Coronapop.
Since our GP’s  all disappeared during the Coronapop crisis I have decided to do without them in future and use the excellent 111 phone service instead.      When you eventually get through to the automatic exchange, you will be asked to type in your symptoms and an Amazon robot will tell you what’s wrong with you.    The Amazon pharmacy will then deliver your pills in whatever time slot they have available.

Finally, I must cover education, because children are our future and especially now they have the vote !       Schools and teachers and most of all exams were all a bit of a pain, even at Eaton.    We want our children to be happy and not have to suffer a mentally stressful education.    So I propose to learn from the Coronapop close down and close schools and universities for good.     Education will be delivered remotely in Amazon YouTube videos, supported by the Amazon Education Helpline.    And it is all free !, although there will be frequent adverts.”

THAT’S   ALL   FOLKS !

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BODJ CARS 🤡

This post is all about Bodj’s world leading approachch to climate change.   He decided on this after he met the 5 year old Nobel prize-winning Greta Young Bird, who seems to know everything about it.

He will inform the  Nation in tonight’s TV broadcast, which he fully expects to go global, because it is so ground breaking.   here is a preview of the script :~

“ I have learned a lot from Greta and all the other children who demonstrated alongside her, whilst skiving off school.     There is no doubt that the climate is hotting up,which is why I have asked for everybody’s temperature to be checked when they go in a shop or a restaurant or on a plane or in fact if they go anywhere at all.      Anyone whose temperature is over 97 degrees in England, or 97.5 in Wales, or 70 degrees in Scotland or Ireland will be required to quarantine for six weeks until they cool down.   It is lower in Scotland and Northern Ireland because they have a pre-existing condition of being hot headed.

We need to get people back to work so we will start by building reservoirs everywhere and harnessing hydro electricity, as well as stopping all the flooding every year.      The prisoners in all our jails can dig the holes by hand and all my former Cabinet Ministers can help them, because they were good at digging holes too.

Next we will build windmills all along Hadrians Wall to take advantage of all the hot air that blows down from Scotland.   That should stop Nickola Stergeron from huffing and puffing all the time.

Now for the MASTERSTROKE that is the lesson I learned from the Coronapop lockdown.      Pollution was down, road accidents were down, consumption was down,  travel was down, carbon emissions were down, the pound was down, almost  everything was down thanks to Coronapop.     Even my poll ratings are down☹️

After my great success with Boris bikes in London and now that I have brought everything else to a standstill,  I had a light bulb moment 💡     I am introducing my very own, totally unique, green as green can be, BODJ CARS 🤡.      They will be powered by electricity and have a maximum range of twenty miles to ensure that nobody goes more than ten miles away from home.    Also, they won’t have any headlights, so everyone will have to be home before dark.      That way we won’t need any more lockdowns.

I have every confidence this idea of mine will catch peoples imagination all around the world and help defeat Coronapop everywhere.

So please vote Bodj at the Election and I am counting on the children to nominate me for a Nobel prize for climate change.”

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Bodjing Education

My two previous posts began to map out the Bodj manifesto for the next General Election.    In my next broadcast to the Nation I will tell you my thoughts on education.

“ I learned a lot from the lock down period earlier this year, when schools were working with far less teachers and our Universities stopped doing anything.   Results improved in spite of my hapless Education Secretary – Gavnotmyfault.   Most teachers stayed at home doing nothing and I think we should let them carry on doing that, although of course we won’t be paying them.     The teaching unions argued that schools shouldn’t go back to normal, so now they have what they wanted🤡

In future the new socially-distanced schools will operate at one third capacity and for the rest of the time pupils will work from home.    The results will no doubt continue to improve if teachers estimate them.   That should save us quite a few £billions in not having to pay for all those surplus teachers.

Our world class universities miraculously managed to send all the students home and still give them degrees.    So from now on remote learning will become the new norm in an expanded Open University, that will replace all other universities.   Students will no longer have to do all that drinking and partying and demonstrating.   Another fortune saved 🤡

Colonel Tom says he went to the university of hard knocks and he did OK.   Markus Rashford said he did alright playing football.    The Last Laugh Looney Party commended  Bodj on his masterstroke of educational reform, which should make all young people really good at reeding, rioting and rithmatic and they will all have first class degrees.       Coco just wagged her tail at the thought of more children to play within the park.

Bodj said I think the children will particularly enjoy not having exams and going to skool a lot less.   So in another great  Bodj innovation, I have decided to lower the voting age to FIVE.“

Bodj wants to tell children if they can’t read the voting paper just put a cross against his picture 🤡

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Bodjing Health.

Following the last post, this is a continuation of Prime Minister Bodj’s presentation of his all new, radical reforms to Defence, Health and Education.   This will form the basis of his Election manifesto for the upcoming General Election.

Tonight the broadcast to the Nation will cover the subject on everybody’s minds —- Health.      Bodj will outline the lessons he has learned from the Coronapop pandemic beyond hands, face and space 🤡

“First of all I want to thank everybody in  our NHS for their hard work during the Coronapop pandemic.  Trillions have been spent and judging by the calls for even more money there could be trillions more to go.   The NHS is an insatiable beast !

Who knew they would need quite so much PPE and then all those ventilators?   When we got them at great expense, they didn’t use them all !    Just look at all those pop-up Nightingale hospitals —— never used ! 
However, I did learn some valuable lessons from Matt Handcockup’s  mistakes.   He solved the bed blocking crisis by turfing out all the old people and locking the doors to A&E, so we should continue with that in future.
Similarly all the GP’s shut up shop and referred everybody to 111 who referred everybody Back to A&E.    It saved a fortune especially since the 111 service is pay as you go.
So after Coronapop is over I have decided to take the bold step of closing the NHS and out-sourcing Health Services to Amazon Robotics.   This will keep all patients socially distanced in the Amazon Nightingale hospitals where Matt Handswashed, the newly appointed Surgeon General,  will co-ordinate all operations on Zoom.  Aftercare will be provided by Amazon Pharmacy who will deliver all your pills and dressings by drone; together with a look-after-your-self Amazon post-op package and a get well card from Bodj. 
We expect to save trillions by having no staff.      This will be a much more personal service. “
Colonel Tom says “The field hospitals we had in the war were in tents and they seemed OK in the jungle.    Maybe we could call some Vera Lynn hospitals.”

Markus Rashford said “Footballers injuries should be a priority, because they are keeping the Nation entertained with balls.”

 The Last Laugh Looney Party says “Don’t  forget to get some shares in Amazon they are taking over the World”

Coco barked  “ Vets services should also be free on the NHS.   Equality for dogs.  Can I play ball with Markus?    Woof!  Woof !”

VOTE FOR BODJ.  THE MAN WITH BIG IDEAS and balls 🤡 

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Bodjing Defence.

In the run up to the next general election this is Bodj‘s first “ fireside chat “ broadcast.    It is called that because it is ment to be informal, but actually there is no fireplace, nor will there be any chat, because doesn’t like questions.   He just wants to get on with it.     What ever “ it” is.

Tonight Bodj will outline his thoughts on defence.

“We have spent a lot of money on defence over the years.   A trillion here and a trillion there and what have we got to show for it?     Two state of the art aircraft carriers with no aircraft.    An army of Second World War tanks that are not much good against lone suicide bombers.    Trident missiles that we never ever want to fire.      A be-meddled group of Generals sitting in desks wondering why their equipment orders never arrive on time or within budget.     Thank God for the SAS !

Colonel Tom says he has fought enough wars and wants a peaceful tomorrow.   Coco says she certainly doesn’t want to get into any dog fights.     The LLLP has already recommended getting rid of the Whitehall armchair Generals, but keeping the Household Cavalry for parades and the Red Arrows for flypasts on Bodj’s birthday.   We will also keep the rust bucket navy for deporting criminals and their no win no fee lawyers.   Secretly we will keep the Trident missiles but we won’t tell anyone where they are so they can remain a deterrent hidden in Scarpa Flow, Oops!

Markus Rashford will be our Defence Minister because he played a lot of games on his computer during the lockdown.    He may be playing out of position in defence, but he will be good with a load of drones to deploy against any opposition.

So that’s our defence policy sorted !”

Vote for Bodj in the upcoming election.

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Waiting for Bodj.

This post follows on from my last one, where Bodj has sacked his whole Cabinet, all the MP’s and the House of Lords.      So it is going to be quite quiet in Westminster for a change.     While he waits for Coronapop to pass the second wave and for the Brexit deadline to reach the eleventh hour resolution, all he can do is wait.

In the meantime he has gathered around him his few remaining friends :-   Colonel Tom, who can advise him about raising money; Markus Rashford, who knows what it is like to be hard up and not go to Eaton; the Last Laugh Looney Party, who can see through the Government red tape and Coco, who is a Cockerpoo with more sense than all of Bodj’s previous Ministers.

This band of brothers has to figure out the manifesto for the forthcoming general election and Bodj will broadcast it to the nation in a series of 8 pm fireside chats.   There won’t be and TV debates because that Keyhole Stammer is a bit to sharp for his own good and Nicky Sturgeon is a bit fishy.     As for the other two —- well who are they?

We are going to talk about security, health and education.   Plus technology and climate change.

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After Coronapop ?


For the past six months and probably for at least six more our heads have been full of Coronapop.   All forms of media have had their attention grabbed by the virus worldwide.    The world has been on hold,     We have been digging ourselves into a deeper and deeper financial hole.
Many people think we will go back to “normal” when it’s all over.    Somehow we will pay all the debts off.    Recovery will just happen automatically.    Growth will return and we will carry on as before, as if nothing had happened.

I don’t think it will be that simple.   Power has shifted from West to East.   America is in turmoil in the run up to the Presidential election and regardless of who wins,  they are up to their neck in debt with their equity market massively over valued.   A crash will be coming sooner or later.     They have fires raging, are still gas guzzling and yet Trump is still in climate change denial.
China is already flexing its muscles in Hong Kong.   It will soon start pulling financial levers in other areas .   It has begun to squeeze Australia.    In a weakened world, who is next?

Coronapop is a temporary distraction which has  made the future economic outlook worse for all but the very rich.    Both individuals and countries.

The UK is in reality, a small player on the world scene even though we went into this Coronapop crisis as the worlds fifth largest economy.    We have been living on past glories for far too long and now we will be much weakened by our indebted economy.

There are lessons in the Coronapop experience,  which if we are prepared to face up to them and challenge some of our out-dated habits, could point to a  bright new future.    The key question is :- “ Are we prepared to face up to the new way and do we have the leaders to guide us forward .”

The Last Laugh Looney Party highlighted some of the issues in it’s tong in cheek review of current Government expenditure and of the bloated structure of Government, including the Civil Service.      Nothing short of a fresh start on both fronts will enable us to rise from the Coronapop ashes.

So my next series of posts will chart a potential route to a better future 🤡🌈

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LLLP TEN.

This is a follow up to the last post

Bodj has got himself fixated on SIX, but being a classical scholar the Last Laugh Looney Party recommends he remembers his Roman Empire history and changes the focus to TEN.
Then taking advantage of the fact that temporarily he has no quarrelsome MP’s nor pesky Lords, he should use the opportunity to do what has long been talked about and reduce the numbers in the House of Commons and the House of Lords 🤡

Bodj needs to learn from the mistakes of the last seven months of the Coronapop era.      His Government has been slow to respond at every step.   There have been too many advisors and too many dissenting voices.     The whole process has been too centralised, but at the same time the Regional Governments have just confused the messages by adding their own spin to make themselves look more self-important.

BODJ SHOULD SET THE STRATEGY, THEN  DEVOLVE THE TACTICS AND ACTION  TO COUNTIES AND METROPOLITAN UNIARY AUTHORITIES, WITH MORE DELEGATED POWERS TO GET ON WITH IT.

So here are the Last Laugh Looney Party recommendations :-

BODJ’S FIRST STEPS :-

  • Reduce Local Government structure to a total 100 county and metropolitan unitary authorities.     This means scrapping district councils and amalgamating smaller counties so they have on average around 600,000 populations each.  England currently has 48 counties and 533 MP’s representing them.   Scotland has 33 counties, 59 MP’s for a population of 5.45 million people.    Wales has 13 counties, 40 MP’s and 3.1 population.   Northern Ireland has 6 counties, 18 MP’s for 1.8 million people.
    This would strip out a mass of Local Government management staff, although the front line workers would still be required.
  • Each of the new Unitary Authorities would be represented in Parliament by 1 MP in a slimmed down House of Commons and 1 Senator in an elected House of Lords.     Existing MP’s and Lords would be banned from standing in the new election, in fact any election ever again, because of their bad track record and the not-forgotten expenses scandal.    ( Bodj has decided he will be the one exception and he will stay on until there is a very very big statue of himself erected in front of Parliament to mark his great reforming leadership.)
  • Before they could stand for election all candidates must have had a real job for at least three years.    Being a lawyer disqualifies you from ever standing.    MP ‘s and Senators can serve a maximum of two terms in office and any blot on their character during their term of office, means deportation to the Isle of Mull with no appeal.      Colonel Tom and Marcus Rashford would be given a free transfer into the Senate for outstanding service during Coronapop.
  • The national Governments of Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland would be given no powers and no money so they would soon wither on the vine.  Which will conveniently resolve the Independence argument🤡

Reduce the Cabinet to TEN Ministers.   The clue was on the front door all along !

  • prime minister & chair
  • money.
  • people.
  • health
  • education
  • housing & environment
  • foreign affairs
  • defence
  • climate
  • technology

NOW WE CAN HAVE A GENERAL ELECTION.    Once Coronapop is over, which the scientists and modlers say should be by 2026 🤡🌈

 

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LLLP What next for Bodj ?

Brexit looms and Coronapop is still at large, so the Last Laugh Looney Party has advised Prime Minister Bodj to call a General Election.    It is time tor a fresh start.       This is particularly urgent because in my last post he sacked all the MP’s and the Lords  🤡

However, organising a General Election won’t be easy at the moment, when R is soaring upwards.       Unfortunately, because of the new Coronapop rules Bodj has just introduced, there won’t be any political meetings larger than SIX.   Nor any shouting or loud cheering.     Nor any hand shaking or holding babies.
Another problem would be the length of the socially distanced voting queues, given the 2 metre rule.      Oh! and the time you would need for hand washing and disinfecting the pencils.    Not to forget the testing, tracking and tracing all the voters.    Of course if after a few days, when the test results came back, anyone standing in the ten mile long queues turns out to be positive, they wold have to go and self-isolate for fourteen days.     Unless it was a false positive or even a false negative.     In which case the Marshals would take them away for questioning about how many people they had met in the last three days.

We mustn’t forget all the elderly Bodj  voters who he has told to “ Stay at home ! ”.    Many of them have been isolating since forever.       Maybe Ocado, Waitrose, Sainsbury’s and all the other delivery drivers could collect their postal votes the next time they drop off their Bodj emergency food parcels.

Then finally, there are the regional variations, which are necessary to make the Nations that make up the UK feel different and their politicians feel very very important.    In Wales they want to vote with a red pencil and put a tick rather than a cross on the voting paper.      In Scotland they want to vote two, three or four times until they all agree they want to be independent.    In Northern Ireland they want to fight first about what they are voting about.

Having thought about it, Bodj decided to change his mind and that maybe this is not a good time for a General Election after all.

So he has asked the Last Laugh Looney Party for another idea next time, when his Coronapop head is less muddled up.

                               THAT IS THE NEXT POST.

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