GrumbleSmiles

Everyone has to have hundreds of passwords these days. It is the secure thing to do if you want to stop hackers breaking in to your highly confidential everyday chit chat. Or worse still stealing your bank details and ordering goodness knows what.

I first started with” John”. I knew I would be able to remember that and I reckoned that no hacker would think I would be stupid enough to use my name as a password.

Then my iPad told me I should include a number to be more secure, so my password became “John1”. But it also needed to be at least six characters, so I extended it to “John12”.

Each time I altered my password I had to remember to go back and update all the earlier versions, which was a bit of a pain, but still if was comforting to know I was more secure. And I could sill sleep at night!

“John12” was OK with me, but some websites didn’t seem to think it was secure enough if I wanted to order something from them. They recommended I use even more characters and punctuation marks….. and maybe an emoji or two. So now I am using :-

“John12345abcdefgh,.!?&#£()%=🏈⚽️🍺😀“

It’s a bit difficult to remember and I do get “timed-out” quite frequently, but nobody has figured the code out for the time being. So far so good.

Nonetheless I still was worried about the increasing sophistication of these hackers. So I contacted the master code-breakers at GCHQ, you can find their number in the yellow pages. They told me that since I didn’t know any “top secrets” and I didn’t have much money in the bank, I shouldn’t be to concerned. That’s a relief!

Not that many years ago when you went to a Tigers game all you did was roll up at the turnstiles just before 3 o’clock on a Saturday and pay a few quid in cash to get in. Simple ! A season tick would secure your seat.

Then technology took over to make things even easier. No need to bother with cash, your annual fee is loaded onto you credit-card type ticket and all you have to do is stick it into the machine at the gate. No people involved. No friendly chat as you go in, no “Enjoy the game”. Just the high-viz jacketed security stewards checking your bags for ? …. contraband. ? A crate of beer not purchased at a Tigers outlet, or maybe a tube of exploding toothpaste, or a scarf with offensive words.

It all seems to work well, until Tigers get to the quarter-finals of the European Challenge Cup and the match is not included in the season ticket price. All of a sudden over 20,000 supporters have to buy a ticket. Surprise, surprise the ticket office is “ experiencing a high volume of calls at the moment”.

Still you can always book on-line. Just put in your Tigers Reference Number, which obviously you know off by heart. Or you can find your season ticket and it is written there right before your eyes. Type it in and now all you need is your password which you used years ago when you first bought your season ticket ….. and have long since forgotten. Not a problem you and set up a new one via e-mail.

Now you can book your ticket. Except you can’t because your iPad sends you into an endless loop of booking and re-booking, but never getting to the pay out stage. Maybe the Tigers website has crashed, not cashed?

So I am back to the telephone. I am experiencing a lot of calls at the moment and so evidently are Tigers, so I get a lot more automated messages telling me it might be easier to book on-line, Gerr ! Still I wait and wait and wait a bit more until I get to a real person. MAGIC !

She was very helpful and in just a few minutes and £44 later I have my ticket! Well almost. I have to print that off myself, a good job my print ink hasn’t run out. PHEW.

Now all I have to do is turn up in two weeks time at 3 o’clock on Saturday the 7th May ………. And wait two and a half hours ……. Because the kick off is not until 5.30.

HOW THINGS HAVE CHANGED !

Time to wake up from hibernation now that Coronapop has just about infected the whole world.

How well our politicians did preventing it spreading. Masks, lockdowns, a new rule every day. Testing, tracing, isolating ….unless you are a politician off to a party. What a ⚽️⚽️⚽️ up!

Then there’s the parties. …… except they are not parties they are gatherings with drinks and cakes and quiz’s … and *gathering poppers”. After that come Questions in the House, then an enquiry, then a police investigation, then a few small fines. What another ⚽️⚽️⚽️ up!

And it all cost a few bob. A lot spent on masks that didn’t work; ventilators that weren’t used; Nightingale hospitals that were never used. Still, some lucky people did make loads-a-money out of masks and PPE. Oh and furlough did give lots of people a long paid holiday. In fact many civil servants are sill on holiday, although it is now referred to as “working from home”. What a load of ⚽️⚽️⚽️⚽️⚽️ !

Thank goodness our politicians have not got any other crisies’ to deal with.

When Bodj first got into political parties, it was because he was interested in the parties, not the politics. The Conservatives seemed like the obvious group to join, because the had the best party’s.. The Bullingdon club was the booziest and they always dressed up for the occasion. That set the tone for Bodj’s future career. Fun first, ducking and diving next and courting popularity always.

Running London as its Mayor, was great fun, with Boris Bikes and garden bridges … and most of all the zip line at the Olympics.

Then along came the all-together more serious stuff – Brexit, which was still fun when Mrs Maybe/ Maybenot was the Prime Minister, but, it became more of a hassle when Bodj took over. Still he could always stick pins in Jeremy Corbit. Bodj’s popularity reached an all-time high point.

Only for Coronapop to spoil the party. Tough times were ahead and Bodj looked more frazzled as the days wore on. His every word was dissected and his every move was challenged. Even decorating his apartment became headline news.

Light relief only came with the opportunity to fire a few Ministers. Then again it was even more fun when Dominic Cummings got going.

Now it is time to call back the fun team to make sure Bodj gets re-elected. Never mind the stodgy Conservative party.
.We need the Last Laugh Loony Party to think the unthinkable and shake off the shackles of gloom :-

• Firstly, an amnesty for any minor mis- speaking by Bodj, ….or any rule breaking he may have accidently done, …..or any trifling overspends on wallpaper, ….or any parties he may have strolled into just for a few minutes.
• Secondly, a party to celebrate the end of all lockdowns, a party to end all parties, until the next party.…. except in Scotland, which will stay locked-down at least until 2036.
• Thirdly, Bodj has asked the Army to arrange street parties everywhere, with parades and flags and cake and corona pop, but definitely not Coronapop. Oh and to collect up all the masks and PPE and lateral flow tests, which will be sent to Scotland for anyone who renounces independence and votes for Boris.

BRING A BOTTLE !

Prime Minister Bodj has had a hard time of it in the last two Coronapop years. After his great success with Brexit he has slowly slipped down the popularity polls. An ungrateful electorate has lost him two bi-elections and the media are relentless in their criticism of his wallpaper and the occasional Christmas party. Half the people want more lockdowns and the other half don’t. Some want masks and just as many don’t. Everybody wants more money but nobody wants to pay for it.

Last, but certainly not least there is Coronapop, which just won’t go away. When you get on top of one virus variant, another pops up. The scientists will be running out of the Greek alphabet before they are finished.

So Bodj has decided that enough is enough. What he needs is to bring back the Last Laugh Looney Party to help him with some new ideas for a New Year Revolution.

Ideas that will cement Boris in power for the next decade or two, but not up two 2050 when the climate might have got a bit too hot for comfort.

Firstly, to deal with Coronapop. All people who are not fully vaccinated and boosted, who get the bug, will be sent to a new nightingale pop-up hospital on the Isle of People ( formally called the Isle of Man ) It will be staffed by the NHS doctors and nurses who have refused to have the jab. If the patients recover they can return to the mainland after sixteen negative tests, providing they wear a face-mask for 12 months and don’t get closer than two meters to anyone.

Secondly, we have the Scottish problem. The solution is simple. Redraw the national boundaries so that all of the mainland and almost all of the Islands are redefined as English counties. Just leaving Rockall as Scotland, which will be freely granted independence without the need for a referendum. Lady Nicola and all her SNP MP’s will be free to rejoin the EU. A happy coincidence is that Bodj will have less opposition MP’s in parliament.

The third big issue facing Bodj is “levelling up”, whatever that means. But added to that is ” illegal immigration”, which Pretty Useless has completely failed to stop. Fortunately the LLLP has an answer to both issues in one move. All migrants will be welcome to stay if instead of landing at Dover, they can navigate their inflatables to the country formally known as Scotland. On arrival they will be granted provisional citizenship and given a ”digging ” job. After one year of digging or 100 tons they will be granted full citizenship and the right to vote for Bodj.

Digging tasks will include planting ten million trees and levelling down some of the highest mountains. Bodj thinks this will help raise the average level of the rest of the UK. The incentive to keep digging is that Bodj has spread a rumour that ”There is gold in them there hills”, which may or may not be true.

So there we have it.

Coronapop contained. The SNP vanquished. Immigration solved and the country levelled up.

Another Bodj masterstroke !

What with all the fuss about Coronapop , people are forgetting about the advancing threat of climate change. Yet days ago we had week long power outages in Scotland.

Luckily, our Great Leader, His Excellency, Prime Minister for-the-moment Bodj, is still fresh from his World leading success at the COP26 conference. Despairing of all the other world leaders, Bodj has had another Great Idea for Britain to set an example for the world.

He has a ten point plan to conserve energy, improve peoples health and power the country without the need for fossil fuels :-

1. All homes will be equipped with a Boris Running Wheel, connected to a generator which is connected to the National Grid.
   
2. Everyone over 7 years old and under 90, will be expected to run on the wheel for a minimum of one hour a day. NHS staff will be exempt, except for administrators.
3. Children can do their running at school..
4. Prisoners will be required to do 8 hours walking every day, as well as one hour running.
5. To conserve energy TV will be limited to the one hour Boris address to the nation each day. This means the BBC grant and TV licence fee will be cut to a big fat zero.
6. With everyone working from home, travel costs and energy consumption will be dramatically reduced.
7. The Boris Running Wheel will prevent people becoming couch potatoes and significantly improve the health of the nation.
8. Boris
9. is still thinking about
10. the last three points of his plan ????

Bodj thinks this Great Idea of his will improve the health of the nation and give us enough power. Although, he is still working on the details 😀

There is no stopping him now. His Boris Wall idea has really captured peoples imagination and the Boris paddy fields have gone down a storm, except in Somerset. The Chinese leader is not too happy, because he says they thought of the Great Wall and the paddy fields first. Still Bodj is unapologetic and says ” If Mr Ho Ho has better ideas he should have come to the Cop26 conference ”.

Meanwhile Prime Minister, President, soon to be King Bodj is pressing on with the BGPCCC – his game changing plan to combat climate change. He is now launching Plan D, which stands for ”DON’T”.

DON’T go on an aeroplane ever again, balloons are OK provided they are powered by politicians hot air. Or if you know a famous person with a private jet you can hitch a lift.

DON’T drive any car, other than an electric Boris car, which has a maximum range of 100 miles. The Transport Minister, Grant Snaps will be installing a country-wide network of charging stations no less than 101 miles apart.

DON’T go on a cruise anywhere, cruises are off limits, unless it is a sailing ship, or the all new hydrogen powered Boris Luxery Yacht, or a rowing boat, or a paddle canoe.

DON’T queue for the Boris HS2 super fast train yet. It will not be leaving the station until 2040, or 50, or maybe never.

DON’T cycle on the pavements. Providing you are on a Boris Bike you will have priority on all roads and can only be overtaken on duel carriageways or motorways.

DON’T use plastic or elastic. Use brown paper packages tied up with string.

DON’T do as Bodj does, DO AS BORIS SAYS !

Prime Mister Bodj has almost singlehandedly beaten Coronapop. Well almost. Now he is hoping to have the same success in showing the world how to beat climate change.

However, he was unable to persuade the other world leaders at the Cop 26 conference to commit to anything other than Blah, Blah, Blah. A shame they are not as enlightened as our great leader !

Therefore, Bodj’s first move— Plan B — was clearly the right thing to do. Now his second step with Plan C is to increase the height of the sea defence Boris Wall to 20 meters to cope with the forecast rise in sea levels. Statues of Boris will be erected all along the wall to remind people who had this great idea. Bodj seemed to recall that King Canute had a similar idea of keeping back the tides, but he made the mistake of not building a wall.

Of course we will need a lot more immigrants to build the higher wall. The Home Secretary, Pretty Useless, has been instructed to send all our aircraft carriers to low lying islands like Barbados and the Maldives and other places that Bodj can’t remember and rescue all the people who can lift heavy stones. The Ben Nevis will eventually become a very very deep hole and be renamed Nichola’s Folly.

One thing nobody thought about was the rivers which will not be able to flow into the sea once the Boris Wall is finished. But Bodj has an answer for that we will make a virtue of the annual floods and turn them into paddy fields ( renamed Boris fields ). The Somerset Levels will become the largest rice producing area in Europe —- just another example of Bodj levelling up Britain.

It is going to get a lot hotter a soon Great Britain will be the Caribbean of the north.

MORE OF BODJ’S GREAT IDEAS TO COMBAT CLIMATE CHANGE SOON.