Boris has been having a Coronapop time out thanks to test and trace, but this has given him space to think and he has come up with a uniquely cleaver idea to level up Britain.
It fulfils his promise to the North and may also solve the Scottish independence problem. What a master stroke !
It is all based on “latitude”.
Bodj has decided to pay people more by increasing the minimum wage by £1 for every degree of latitude you live north of London.
Here are some examples :-
Say the minimum wage in London is £10 / hour
In Milton Keynes it would rise to £15
In Birmingham it would reach £20
Liverpool and Manchester would be £30
Glasgow and Edinburgh £50
the Shetland Isles would be £80
Bodj thinks this would have the have the effect of moving large groups of people northwards in search of higher pay and cheaper house prices. To add to the momentum the London weighting of pay would be abolished and all Government Departments would be relocated several degrees further north.
Scotland which would have the highest rates of pay, would probably be resettled by grateful voters who would tip the balance in favour of keeping the Union.
Bodj did all the calculations on the back of a fag packet, but thinks it will only cost a few billions. It will be implemented as soon as Boris comes out of isolation in a few days time. He can’t think why anyone didn’t come up with the idea before.
Boris has a plan which he has been thinking about during the many months of lockdown. He has just got to finalise a few details, like what is it all about; where’s the money going to come from; will his quarrelsome MP’s vote for it and most of all he must have a catchy title so that everyone will know it his his idea.
For the moment he is still using BBBB, which obviously stands for Boris Builds Back Better. The only problem is that nobody knows what that means and that includes Boris. So it is back to the drawing board for a while, but the plan will be published very, very soon. Certainly by the time Coronapop is all over, which will be very, very soon.
Nine words of nothing. That is the sum total of what the Government had to say in last weeks Queens speech about social care. A shameful betrayal of frail older people, but, no different to what has been going on for years. Nor is it just the fault of this Government or this political party.
The rising cost of care for the rapidly rising population of older people has been foreseen and ignored for decades. It is social problem which nobody will face up to. Not just the politicians, but also the institutions, the regulators, the media and ultimately old people themselves and their relatives.
There are plenty of solutions put forward :- more training for careers; better pay for care staff; tougher regulation of poor quality standards; the list is endless. The big but, is that they all amount to a lot more money and nobody can agree who pays !
The starting position of most discussion begins with the assumption that older people who need care should not have to sell their homes to pay for care. That is precisely the wrong place to start and only guarantees there will be no solution. The fact is that there are trillions of pounds locked up in older peoples homes, which could easily pay for good quality home care or residential care. That is not to advocate the current forms of equity release, which I believe are restrictive and ridiculously expensive. However, the Government could facilitate payment for care and retrospectively charge for care secured against an older persons house.
It would take a bold leader to suggest this and I doubt we have politicians of that standing any more. It would be a move as significant as the setting up of the NHS
We have had our milk delivered to the doorstep every day for the last forty years. A reliable faithful service provided without any fuss or hesitation. Also trust that you would pay at the end of the week. A socially distanced service before anyone had heard of Coronapop. A short handwritten note left in the evening could amend the order and have it on your doorstep, before you are awake the next day. Even better than Amazon Prime and no flurry of Emails or extra delivery costs !
Of course the middle of the night deliverers have changed over the years. Mr. Robinson – our original milkman – retired after a long career never seeing his customers, but trusted and valued by all of them. Since then we have had a steady succession of milkmen still with the same everyday service. A few things have changed – Mr Robinson’s silent, electric milk float was ahead of its time, tip- toeing through the night with no carbon footprint, later it was replaced by a diesel version. We didn’t know about climate change back then, but the cows have a lot to answer for. The service was enhanced with orange juice and eggs …. and bottled water……….and bread ….. and even more things at Christmas. Every house got a Christmas card and the milkman got a tip. Sadly it’s a fairytale without a happy ending. Along came a corporate business with great ambitions – Why not take over all the small milkmen? – and create a UK-wide milk empire. Call it “ Milk and More”. Economies of scale; bulk purchase of goods; widen the product offer; centralise the back office administration. I’m not sure Mr. Robinson ever had a back office. It all went well for a while – there were printed colour glossy brochures of the enhanced product range; the occasional free gift to introduce new lines and even TV adverts ! The administration of all this became more complex and much less personal. The back office was a long way from the front line.
The somebody in the back office had an idea of how to simplify the payment system and get rid of all the small change and notes on the door step. Go on-line with orders a get customers to pay by direct debit. Just one problem – the back office staff had never ever met any customers, so they didn’t know that lots of them were elderly and didn’t trust computers, even if they were on-line in the first place; nor did they like the remoteness of direct debits. Cancel the milk today was the final note on the doorstep.
That is how “Milk and More” became “Milk and Less”.
We have all got so used to the Coronapop rules these days. Therefore, to keep society in order and free from viruses forever, it would be a good idea to continue with them for the foreseeable future or longer. Of course they should be simplified and harmonised across all nations of the UK.
To make Scotland feel more part of the Union, everybody throughout the UK should wear tartan kilts from now on. Upkilting will be strictly banned !
To include the Northern Irish community everyone will be required to parade up and down their local streets every Friday waving banners and shouting ( quietly). Rock throwing will only be allowed after 5 o’clock. Only diesel cars can be set alight.
To appease the Welsh nationalists, Welsh will become the adopted language throughout the UK. Road signs throughout the UK will be re-languaged and all towns will begin with “Llan”. Travel will still be limited to 12 miles a day until every single person agrees to be vaccinated against Coronapop.
In honour of this momentous declaration of national unity, Prime Minister Bodj has decided to re name himself as Paddy Jock Taff Bodj. Although this will be shortened to PJT in cabinet meetings. Just using initials seems to be catching on.
On his travels around the RE-UNITED KINGDOM the Prime Minister will use the name “Jock Bodj” in Scotland, “Paddy Bodj” in Ireland and “Taff Bodj” in Wales. Bodj is sure this will go down well. He is still thinking about England, maybe he will stick to “Boris”?
To keep things simple, the only other rule is that there will be more rules.
The local election season is nearly upon us and all sorts of aspiring politicians will be putting forward their thoughts on how they will change the world. So the Last Laugh Looney Party is floating a few random proposals to see if any might be taken up. Starting with Bonny Scotland.
Since the establishment of regional Governments, the Scottish Parliament has been a persistent irritation in the UK. What’s more they have had the benefits of the Barmy formula, which gives them more money per person than the rest of the UK. And yet they still bang on about leaving the Union and joining the European Disunion. How ungrateful can you get !
So the Last Laugh Looney Party proposes we have a trial separation for one year and let them pretend to be independent to see how they get on. With a few conditions :-
All Scottish Nationalist Politicians must change their name by deed poll so they can be clearly identified. They must all have a fishy surname like their leaders — Cod … Herring … Hake … Mullet ….. Snapper …. Flounder …. Trout …. Carp …… Barrcuda. …. Eel …. Grouper ….
All those elected should always wear kilts.
All unemployed Scots, which will be most of them if they leave the UK for good, should start rebuilding Hadrian’s wall —— by hand just like the Romans. We will need a hard border if they vote for independence.
And they had better have wind farms everywhere once the oil runs out.