Dear Andy,

I do hope you have received my first letter, although sadly I misspelt Kirkcaldy. Still I am sure Jock the postie knew what I ment. After all, I was only trying to keep him in a job. There again, he could have been on strike. Still you should get this second letter eventually, even if it is in 2023!

Strikes seem to be the order of the day at the moment, so it may be that someone in an army uniform will be delivering your letter. Soldiers are rapidly being trained to be posties, train drivers, ambulance driving instructors, border force people, G.P.’s, nurses and soon that will probably include brain surgeons.

Our latest Prime Minister, Riski Somewhat has been consulting with the Last Laugh Looney Party about a long term plan to combat the increasingly militant trade unions. CONSCRIPTION !

Conscript all the nurses and doctors and ambulance drivers and then put them to work in hospitals. Don’t include most of the administration staff, if they go on strike nobody would mind.

Conscript all the train drivers and put them to work on the trains. Then if the trains don’t run on time the drivers could be court marshalled and demoted to be ticket collectors.

Conscript all the posties and get them delivering my letters.

Don’t bother conscripting the boarder guards because they are not managing to stop people coming into the UK anyway.

Finally, Riski’s masterstroke, he has a plan to resolve the immigration problem without using Uganda. CONSCRIPTION ! Enlist all three million people who have come to the UK in the last three years. They will be granted full UK citizenship after serving three years in the army on the minimum wage.

Hence to be called “The Riski Army”.

This should solve all our labour shortage problems. No difficulty finding potato pickers in future, just call in the Army.