In this much troubled world we need to be ready to defend ourselves. It won’t be easy with most of our armed service staff sitting at desks in Whitehall or maybe working from home. Neither will it help if our ammunition stocks have all been given to Ukraine. Nor if our planes can’t fly or our ships can’t sail nor if our submarines can’t submerge and fire their missiles.

Let’s face it our armed services need a comprehensive overhaul. It won’t be easy to do in two years, but if there was a war tomorrow we would just have to get on with it. “Action this day” as Churchill said.

I have to think of radical solutions. So here’s a few :-

• DESK TOP SERVICE STAFF – will all be asked to write one page on how to improve defence with no more money. The LLLP will review them and then staff without a good actionable idea will be redeployed to the front line. That should be about two thirds of them back in action. This will then create space to promote the ones with the good ideas e.g. a cheap drone fighting force procured from Toys-r-us ; A cyber miss-information regiment of twitters influencers ; a reverse drug smuggling network to give free drugs back to our enemies.

• CONSCRIPTION – all the unemployed who don’t get a job in the next two weeks; all prisoners in our overcrowded prisons ( except for murderers and rapists ); all asylum seekers; all politicians and members of the House of Lords ; all lawyers ; and the entire staff of the BBC including Gary Lineaker. They will serve the two year Timeout period in the conscripted service.
• PROCUREMENT – this is an area where the MOD has been particularly inept, so redeploy the current procurement people to the front line armed with wooden rifles. Then order new weapons and ammunition on Amazon with next day delivery. Obviously we won’t be ordering any aircraft carriers this way 🤡. However we will commandeer the super yachts of Russian billionaires and Phillip Green to reinforce our depleted navy🤡
• WHITE FLAG STRATEGY – the biggest procurement order will be for 1,000,000 white flags; 1,000,000 boxes of chocolates and 20,000,000 sleeping pills. Our New Model Army will approach our enemies with white flags attached to their wooden guns carrying boxes of chocolates. Our hungry opposition will gobble down the chocolates and the sleeping pills hidden inside. Then in a few minutes while they are asleep we can steal their weapons 🤡

• ALTERNATIVE STRATEGY – if the white flag idea doesn’t work our enemies will just have to keep our unemployed, our prisoners and our asylum seekers 🤡
• No more need for a Rwanda plan so we can ask for our £500 million back! Oh and the prisons are almost empty and the boat people have stopped coming across the Channel🤡