Houses for Frogs & Newts.

There is a desperate shortage of houses in this country and has been for many years. Repeated Governments have promised to build more in every political manifesto, but they never reach their targets. The current Government target is to build 300,000 new houses a year,but this year they have barely achieved 200,000.

The consequence of the shortage is ever-rising house prices —-there has been a 78% rise on average from £167,000 to £ 290,000 since 2010. This has also resulted in a push of people into rented housing, or living longer with parents, or sadly for some —- homelessness. This situation is further exacerbated by high levels of immigration and the creation of new households through marriage breakdowns.

If you have already got a house, nobody wants a new house built next door, so NIMBYISM flourishes. Meanwhile, well meaning environmental policies endlessly delay construction, while planning regulations require evaluation of the danger to wild life and plant habitats of using greenfield sites.

So housing policy and new house delivery over the last two decades have been an abject failure. We are on a carousel of housing promises that never arrive. There have been 15 Housing Ministers since 2010 !

The only ones to benefit are the frogs and newts still in their greenfields.

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Cop the lot.

COP28 has just finished in Dubai. Why COP? Why 28? And why Dubai?

It’s the United Nations global conference on climate change, so it must be critical to the future of the planet. 14,000 people have flown in from all over the world, many on their private jets.

COP stands for “conference of the parties”, whatever that means in a country that frowns on alcohol, but maybe they set aside their prohibitions for a week or two🤡

Why 28? I guess they must have had 27 of these binges before. How else do you put the world to rights?

Why Dubai? Well Saudi Arabia is the Worlds biggest oil producer, so if they were to agree to turn off all their oil wells we would be at Nett Zero over night ! But don’t hold your breath.

So what has all this to do with potholes ????????

It’s the other side of Britain’s climate change strategy. Anticipating that weaning ourselves off our dependence on fossil fuels will be very difficult, the Government has been surreptitiously introducing other tactics to reduce our use oil.

By not repairing potholes it discourages excessive car use. Congestion charges also help a lot, so do cycle lanes which add to congestion on the roads. Not resolving rail strikes also saves fuel. Gradually the Government is gumming up the UK transport system, which all encourages more “working from home”.

There is also the big promotion of electric vehicles. Except they cost a fortune and don’t travel far without stopping. Horses and carts will be coming back soon.

So if COP28 doesn’t save the planet, maybe the UK will still be OK.

Although all over Britain the lights will be going out🤡

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Covid Inquiry.

We are now in the second year of the lawyer fest of the Coropop Inquiry. Only £100 million spent so far and still not much of an idea of what actually happened. Not even asking who or what started the pandemic. Just leaving the accusation unfairly in the air that it was probably the fault of pangolins.

Well that’s not justice, so the Last Laugh Looney Party KC has decided to represent them at the proceedings now that it’s on tele .

Pangolins were just minding their own business in Whuhan in China, trying not to get eaten, when a lab rat escaped with deadly Coronapop virus. Ratty had been engineered as a secret bioweapon to help China conquer the World and he was given a passport to travel all around the globe spreading Coronapop . It cost the world economy billions and trillions not to mention the millions or people who died. But China never acknowledged its “mistake”.

China locked down and closed its borders so no one could get in or out except for Ratty. The misinformation campaign continued to blame pangolins; aided by the WHO, who were clueless and toothless.

Three years on the Covid Inquiry is searching for the truth and loads of money for lawyers. Or just loads of money for lawyers.

The pangolins testimony confirmed that Coronapop was nothing to do with them. Nor had they been at any parties or the Cheltenham Races or any football matches. Neither had they been within 2 meters of any people masked or unmasked.

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Bodj’s Rubbish Mountain.

What started as a Bodj Great Idea is now being recognised as a World first. Possibly a candidate for a Nobel prize for innovation.

Bodj’s rubbish mountain has reached epic proportions. Mont Blanc is now just a foothill to the Norfolk Himalayas. Beyond the Wash, the rubbish has stretched far beyond the Dogger Bank and is approaching the Netherlands. It has become Bodj’s version of the reunification of Europe. Britain is now a nett importer of rubbish from all around the world.

There are a few unintended consequences to the new rubbish mountain. The first is that there is a bit of a smell from the decayed rubbish, but the good news is that the prevailing westerly winds mean that Europe gets all the aroma. A sort of Brexit dividend.

On a more positive note, the rubbish generates a lot of methane, which Bodj says can be harnessed as free power for Norwich and maybe even the whole of East Anglia. Boris plans to stand as an MP for Norwich at the next General Election.

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Washing Day

The day came for Bodj’s first broadcast to the Nation about his and Riski’s great rubbish idea. It was still early days and there hadn’t been a lot of progress yet, but Bodj wasn’t daunted, by all the criticism the idea had received.

The Royal Society for the Protection of Birds was most upset about the loss of the mudflats and nesting sites, particularly for the lesser spotted herons. Newts and otters and water vowels also had protesting societies winding up there campaigns. Bodj declared this was all just piffle and the rubbish would be a good source of food for the wild life. Although he was a bit worried that Carrie was up all night making protest placards in their lounge.

Still just before Strictly on prime time TV, Bodj began his comeback speech. No mention of the nesting birds, he began with the wonders of rubbish and how it could transform the finances of of a levelled up Britain. The most imaginative use of drone technology and a massive saving on the UK’s carbon footprint.

The first bags of rubbish had already been dropped and thousands more would follow every night from now on. Bodj expected a small foothill in the Wash by Christmas. Thereafter, an ever-growing mountain which should reach 4,000 feet high by 2027 and be higher than Ben Nevis shortly after. Bodj already had Mont Blanc in his sights by 2030.

It was a shame about the few tons of rubbish bags that were accidentally dropped on Washington by mistake, but Bodj explained that it was due to a spelling error in the drone computer system, probably put there by Russian hackers.

Then Bodj allowed his mind to wander into the endless future possibilities for tourism in Norfolk —- The worlds longest zip line; Snow capped ski runs; a Jodrill bank telescope. Even the journalists were cheering by this stage.

The entire population of Norfolk were less than delighted to be known as the rubbish capital of Europe and swore never to vote Conservative again. Riski was worried about that, but Bodj assured him that more votes would be won back in the red wall seats and metropolitan cities where the rubbish had been piling up on the streets. Of course this was due to the bin men always being on strike for more pay.

Only Bodj could inspire people with a talk about rubbish !

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A Great Rubbish Idea !

It’s the first King’s speech in Parliament today for 70 years. A great day for a great Last Laugh Looney Party idea. An idea to renew Riski’s chances of winning the next General Election and revive Bodj’s tarnished reputation.

There has been so much rubbish talked, ever since Coronapop began and when climate change started to dominate the headlines, that now there are piles of it everywhere. So the LLLP thought we should build a rubbish mountain out of the molehills of rubbish.

Riski immediately realised this could be his political salvation and that he needed a great orator to champion such a rubbish idea. Who better than his “new best friend”, a man who frequently speaks a lot of rubbish – Bodj.

The two great politicians were awash with rubbish ideas, the first of which was to build a world beating rubbish mountain in the Wash. The Wash is a muddy estuary in Norfolk, which is just a home for the birds and no voters.

Bodj thought this mountain had the potential to become the biggest rubbish mountain in the UK, …… or even Europe, …….or in time maybe the world. In fact he believes you could see it from the moon!

The ever practical Riski saw the savings that could be made in simplifying the collection of rubbish. No more sorting your rubbish into four different wheelie bins on your doorstep. A fleet of drones could collect your rubbish every week and overnight drop it off at the Wash. No more need for rubbish carts or bin men, which would save thousands of carbon footprint miles and many millions off Local Authority budgets.

This is definitely a rubbish idea if ever there was one and Bodj has agreed to do a weekly TV broadcast on the Countryfile programme now it has moved from talking about farming.

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Looney Bonanza !

The LAST LAUGH LOONEY PARTY has been quietly storing up a nest egg of funds in advance of the upcoming General Election. Secretly but in plain sight, they installed a party member at the top of one of Britains wealthiest companies. His name is Mr. Looney and he is the CEO of British Petroleum. The next step was to persuade Prime Minister Riski to grant BP a license to drill for oil at its Rosebud field in the North Sea. This he did as part of his NetZeroPlusabit strategy.

Unfortunately Mr Looney had to be sent on long term sick leave when he became more interested in ladies than drilling for oil. So he has gone to Honolulu to look for oil in the Pacific.

In the meantime the LLLP has proposed nationalising BP, which is worth £90,000,000,000. This should go a long way towards paying off the national debt. The extra petrochemicals from the new Rosebud oil field will be sold cheaply to motorists who still have petrol and diesel cars until 2050.

The outcome of this simple strategy is that Riski will stay as Prime Minister until 2050. Mr. Stammer will remain in the shadows. Scotland will never want to be Independent now we have all that oil.

And we will all live happy ever after, until it gets too hot !

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Loose Change.

It’s a time of constant change. Quite probably it always has been. It is only with a lifetime of perspective that you can always appreciate the degree of upheaval. Or is it just a failure to adapt ?

So is the pace of change any more dramatic in my 70 decades? Certainly it feels that way in that there seem to be fewer unchangeable anchor points like family, community, religion and trust in institutions.

TV was perhaps the first big change, starting with only two channels in black and white, for just a few hours a day; it has now morphed into hundreds of channels every hour of the day and night. Although 70 years on it seems likely to go the same way as the ‘wireless’ for the next generation.

For the generation before me there were things beyond my imagination :- the aftermath of World war 1; the depression and unemployment years of the 1930’s and then another World War. Not to mention the technological advancement of electricity and the proliferation of motor vehicles. These were big changes that my mother and father had to come to terms with in their lives, but they seldom looked back and talked about them.

The moon landing was the most memorable event of those early TV days, although that one off adventure had little impact on my day to day life.

More mundane things had lasting effect in the UK, when we changed to metric measures. Or sort of changed — we still have “miles” and temperatures seem better in Fahrenheit . £sd went out of the window and in came new coins that heralded a jump in inflation. In my teens I used to serve a pint of beer in a pub for one and six. Now it costs me over a fiver ! Next we are about to do without change altogether and just use plastic.

There are many more changes I could grumble about, but without question, the most significant one is the advent of the internet. Discombobulating certainly, but an opportunity for great adventure too. It now pervades just about everything, for good and ill.

Like the moon landing, who knows where it will lead ?

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Burner Phone ?

I have never been a fan of mobile phones. I know they are supposed to keep you in touch wherever you are, but do you want that ? When I am out and about I don’t want to be interrupted all the time. In any event I have never quite mastered all the tiny keys.

I understand they are useful in emergencies and that smart phones have more applications than a rocket to the moon. But I am not going there any time soon.

So, although I have a cheap mobile, I only take it with me when I think there is going to be an emergency. Otherwise it just sits on a desk at home receiving text messages that I don’t open. So you could say I am a limited user. Or maybe a mobile telephone dinosaur.

Reading the paper recently I was interested to see that diplomats visiting China were being issued with “burner phones”, which are apparently more secure then ordinary mobile phones. I had no idea what a “burner phone was, so I googled it. It turns out that my little old fashioned mobile is a “burner phone”. What do you know I am ahead of my self, I might have known. That must be why nobody rings my mobile. I’m totally secure.

Drug dealers use “burner phones” because they can’t be traced. Perhaps I have a whole new career in front of me🤡

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LLLP Road to Full Employment.

As the next General Election approaches voters are not so worried about global warming or the war in Ukraine. They are more concerned about LOCAL issues :- the £ in their pocket; or the price of a pint of milk; or how long it takes to get a GP appointment. But the thing that tops the poll of issues that come up everywhere is …. POTHOLES.

If only our MP’s had been listening more carefully to Sargent Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band way back in 1967, John Lennon and Paul McCartney warned them about the problem. In a song entitled “A day in the life” they mention “4,000 holes in Blackburn Lancashire”. Unfortunately the BBC at the time banned the song as being too controversial, so the holes went unfulfilled.

If just one MP had bothered to listen and extrapolate the Blackburn experience across the whole of the UK, they would have realised that in total that amounts to about 75 billion holes. No wonder people are concerned. It’s an elf and safety calamity. There needs to be a Government Minister for Potholes🤡

The Last Laugh Looney Party has a solution, which is to get the 1.5 million people in the UK, who are sitting on their hands, receiving up-to £67.20 a week in JobSeekers Allowance to fill in the potholes.

No doubt tarmacking can be a bit smelly and dirty, but at least you’re out in the fresh air, doing a fulfilling job. Of course, for elf and safety reasons, the thousands of miles of roads where the potholes are being mended will have to be closed to traffic for a week or two or more. But the spin off of this minor disruption is that the National carbon footprint will be reduced by 15% due to the reduction in traffic while the holes are being mended. We may also be able to do without ULEZ rules requiring us to scrap perfectly good cars before their time.

A win win for the LLLP🤡 Full employment🤡 Roads fixed🤡 All at no extra cost to the taxpayer 🤡

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