GrumbleSmiles

Local Authorities are largely unaccountable to their electorate. They are also tightly constrained by the National Governments who hold the purse strings. Many of them don’t look after the money they do have and quite a few are on the verge of bankruptcy.

It is estimated that collectively they have run up early £100 billion in daft investments. Birmingham has to spend almost 20% of its core income just on servicing its debt. Norwich spends 56% this way. Little old Woking in Surrey owes£1.9 billion or £19,000 per person. They would not do this if it was their own money they were spending. Not a great track record, nor a ringing endorsement for local democracy.

Politics at local level was supposed to be a vocation; an opportunity to contribute to your community. Instead it has become an ego trip and a stepping stone for would be politicians. It needs radical reform!

The Last Laugh Looney Party has another manifesto pledge for the upcoming General Election 🤡. All Local Authority Councillors will be sacked and replaced by only TEN newly elected people, who will act as a Board for the council. Hence the new title —- “TENATORS”. They will be unpaid roles and personally liable for their portfolio. Council meetings will be held in public. The day to day decisions will be delegated to council officers. Speedy decisions and action will be the essence of their work.

Ten year debt repayment plans will be the first priority, which will no doubt require some very tough decisions. For some of the most indebted councils it may mean sacking half their staff. Here are some of the posts that Councils might have to let go:- toothbrushing advisers; street football coaches; town hall florists; chauffeurs for the Mayor; bouncy castle attendants; part-time pianists for events; roller disc coach; cheerleader development officer; part-time sword bearer; —— these are all real posts which must be essential to living in your local area🤡. AND we haven’t even got to the myriad of diversity officers and PR people and elf and safety regulators.

Only councils not in debt ( there are only 38 at present) will be allowed to increase their council tax.

A bonfire of vanities and foolishness 🤡

The Last Laugh Looney Party has another daft idea up its sleeve, which if it is elected at the General Election, it will introduce in the next parliament. It’s a two pronged approach to remuneration.

Firstly everybody of working age gets £10,000 a year tax free, including stay at home mums or dads. What they earn on top of that is taxed at 20%. Thereafter it will be 30% on earnings over £50,000.

The second proposal is that there will be a maximum wage of £100,000 a year. Earnings after that will be taxed at 100%. This last idea will obviously go down like a lead ballon with the current high earners and no doubt they won’t vote for the LLLP. However this should be more than offset by the many thousands of voters who will never earn £100,000 a year in their lifetime.

There will of course be dramatic consequences to this new approach:-

• The wealthiest people will probably move abroad, but will we miss them? The lawyers can go tomorrow and create havoc elsewhere🤡 The politicians can move on and ply their trade in some of the less democratic countries like China or North Korea😂. Medical consultants will only be allowed to leave when they have cleared their waiting lists and trained their successors. Bankers can emigrate now that they have closed all the banks. Captains of industry can board their private jets or super yachts a sail off into the sunset but all their UK assets will be confiscated and used to support the disabled and the elderly.
• After this clear-out of the high earners there will be lots of opportunities for advancement of younger people with fresh ideas.
• I shouldn’t forget the not so civil servants. All the £100,000 plus ones can retire, although their gold-plated pensions will be reduced to the National average pension.
• Then there is the water companies and —— their top earners can fill in all the potholes they have made in the roads before they leave and clean up all the river pollution.
• They are not all bosses; we also have the highly paid trade union leaders who seem to have forgotten that customers are a key part of the work equation. No customers = no work!
• Oh and the academics who have hiked up their salaries by charging fees for lower education standards.
• We mustn’t forget the footballers, who earn a year’s money in a week. They can move to Saudi Arabia and we can watch them on the tele⚽️. Their transfer fees will make £millions for the state pension fund😀
• Finally, the BBC “stars” and celebrities we barely recognise. They can all go into the jungle and live off bugs for a while. When they return they can work within the new £1 tv licence.

It’s a bit idealistic, but, isn’t that what our society should be all about?

This post follows on from the Last Laugh Looney Party launch of its Green Plan to turn off the country’s central heating. It was rushed a bit and there needs to be a few amendments to make it even more appealing.

• Firstly, Nigel Farage pointed out that we haven’t considered the boat people who are being put up in warm four star hotels. Obviously that wouldn’t be fair, so their central heating will be switched off as well. Maybe then they will consider Rwanda not such a bad option after all.
• Secondly, Bodj, as the LLLP MINISTER FOR GOOD NEWS, will announce that all other hotels can keep their heating on during the winter to boost the tourist trade. Provided they offer cheap, very cheap short breaks for pensioners.
• Thirdly, Coco, the LLLP MINISTER FOR DOGS, says if it’s going to be that cold, it must be compulsory for all the heated hotels to be open to dogs and offer them free treats.
• Fourthly, Gary Lineaker. Chief Tweeter, points out that although football pitches underground heating will be switched off and the pies will be cold, “ the crisps will be free”.

Nobody much doubts now that global warming is happening; polar ice caps are melting; glaciers are receding; sea levels are rising and that excessive use of fossil fuels seems to be the cause of the problem. What is not agreed on is what we should do about it.

The Conservative Party are postponing promises to cut emissions until 2050 when they will be too old to care and are busy granting more oil drilling leases to any one who wants one. Just in case we run out of fuel.

Meanwhile, the Labour Party are rolling back their green plan to spend £28 billion on windmills and solar panels and insulation and even nuclear power. Just in case the cost of it spooks the voters.

The Last Laugh Looney Party, has, as you might expect, an altogether different approach. It’s free and it’s green and it won’t cost a bean🤡. From the day it is elected the LLLP will pass a law banning the use of central heating — for everyone except pensioners —- unless temperatures drop below zero. It’s what we all had to live with in the olden days !

This new LLLP green policy is expected to save 55 zillion kilowatts of energy and save people ££££ off their fuel bills. So the advice is to wrap up warm and buy yourself a nice woolly hat.

Three happy spin offs of this approach are :-

• Older people will get a lot more visits from relatives and friends seeking a warm welcome.
• Those people “working from home” will suddenly find going to work in the office much more attractive. Many of the unemployed may find work to keep warm.
• Children skiving off school will find a renewed interest in education in the warmth of a classroom.

Strange how a simple idea can change things for the better. Nett zero back on track at no extra cost😀. Household energy bills cut. Loneliness amongst older people significantly reduced😀Employment productivity increased😀. Unemployment reduced😀. Educational standards improved🤡

A General Election is expected to be at the end of 2024, so the Last Laugh Looney Party is furiously working on its manifesto. It has to be better than ever before, because the LLLP is starting from zero. There again the other political parties are working their way down to zero and the electorate have no confidence in them keeping their promises.

The LLLP won’t say everything has been fully costed, because it hasn’t. In fact it will cost a lot, but you have to speculate to accumulate.

So here goes with a give-away budget openly designed to buy votes :-

• First :- state pensions will be increased to £20,000 a year for over 70’s and then doubled to £40,000 when people reach 80. Just as a big THANK YOU for all their hard work. Obviously this extra unexpected wealth will either be used to pay for carer support which will create more jobs; or older people will pass it on to the next generation ( or probably grandchildren ) which will cement family relationships.
• Second :- Banks can close as many branches as they like, ——-provided they offer a personalised home delivery service to every pensioner who lives more than a mile from a bank that is still open. A real person in a uniform and proof of identity and a smile, definitely not a robot. On second thoughts the uniform might be a security risk, so a big smile will do😀
• Thirdly :- GP’s can do video calls to all patients aged below 70, ——- provided they do home visits to all older people that are ill and take them a bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates each time.
• Fourthly :- All prisoners will have to work instead of just sitting around in their cells all day and they won’t get a vote until they are released. This work program will be extended to include the long-term unemployed and asylum seekers. This free labour force should give a major boost to the economy and assist in rehabilitating offenders, shirkers and non-workers.
• Fifth :- the BBC licence fee will be doubled, except for pensioners who will get it for free. The additional income will ensure the LLLP get positive coverage in the run-up to the General Election and that Gary Lineaker can be paid even more.

THE BIGGER IDEAS ARE STILL TO COME AND WILL BE EVEN ————- L—-Oooo ——N ——-I——E——-R.