Riski’s Briski Marathon.

Posted on August 20, 2023 by john graham

From my previous blogs you can clearly see that Riski has a plan for climate change and has begun to turn around the economy …. And has resolved the boat people problem.

So now he is turning his super-imaginative mind to the bloated, bureaucratic, sclerotic NHS. All attempts to reform the system have failed and the managers just ask for more money. Now half the staff are on strike for higher pay and waiting lists for treatment get longer and longer. 7,000,000 and counting.

Some clown in the Department of Illhealth, Stephen Barkingmad – Minister-for-the-moment, came up with the idea of cards in cigarette packets with messages like “It is not woke to smoke” and “ smoke makes you broke” or may be “Smoking adds to global warming”. Somehow Riski didn’t think that would work. People wold just buy more cigarettes to collect the cards, like they did with film stars and footballers in the olden days.

At the moment we are just about the fattest nation on earth. So Riski had a better idea … EXERCISE . A National plan to get us all fitter.

Riski has declared that next week will be “BRISKI MARATHON WEEK”. Between the hours of 8am and 9am every day except Sunday, everybody will be asked to come out and walk at least 4 miles. That will almost add up to a marathon in a week. All traffic will have to stop to allow people to get out of their vehicles and walk. This will improve Britains carbon footprint by an estimated 5% in one small step for mankind and womankind and LGBTQ+kind.

Participation will be entirely voluntary, but any one who does not take part will go to the back of the NHS waiting list should they need any health services. Children under two years will be able to travel in push chairs. Other malingers can be exempted provided they have a Doctors note, although there is a two year waiting list for GP appointments.

The tried and tested Covid track and trace system will identify people who attempt to cheat and they will be rounded up and put on treadmills in public parks and have to walk double miles. The treadmills will generate electricity and will be linked to the National Grid. Another 500,000 kilowatts every week! Ka-ching.

After a week Riski’s great idea will be independently evaluated by Riski’s best friends and anticipating that it will be a great success, it will be extended to BRISKI MARATHON YEAR !

The office of national statistics has estimated that by the end of 2024, conveniently before the General Election, the UK population will have lost 65,000,000 stones in weight; 25,000,000 inches around the National waist and generated enough power to stop drilling more oil wells in the North Sea, which should shut up the Just Stop Oil protesters.

🤡JOB DONE🤡

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Riski’s Climate Change Plan —Part 2

Posted on August 16, 2023 by john graham

Following on from my last post, momentum is gathering and the full benefits of Riski’s imaginative ideas are starting to be realised. Few could have contemplated how far reaching the proposals would be.

The first sign of a change in the economy is the rush to start hotel building all along the coast to accommodate the anticipated influx of tourists. Roubles of investment are flowing in from Russia, mostly in unmarked laundry bags, which the bankers say is totally legitimate.

Another big spin-off of the boom in tourism is the need for many more specialist workers. To solve this Riski has learned from his experience with the 1,000s of accidental barista’s who were conveniently found among the illegal immigrants (see my earlier blog “Barista’s or Barristers). Recategorising illegal immigrants as “skilled Workers” does wonders for the statistics on migration. Indeed we now can welcome many more rubber dinghies crossing the Channel, providing they meet the strict definition of “skilled worker”. On this point Swella Braveperson, ( the longest serving Home Secretary for ages), has been lengthening the list of people skills needed in our world beating holiday industry to include :-

  • In Blackpool – the Paris-of-the-North, we need skilled French Accordionists at the Riski Tower and skilled Camel herders and skilled Elephant Trainers to stop the wild animals running amok.
  • All along the south coast we will need skilled deck-chair putter outers and skilled ice cream sellers and lots of skilled life guards. Preferably ones who can swim. Lots of migrants seem sort of skilled with small boats, so they could do short day trips to France.
  • In Edinburgh – the Athens-of-the-North, we need skilled Greek dancers and probably some skilled Ouzo Distillers and maybe some skilled Spartans called Spartacus.
  • Newcastle has joined the holiday spirit and renamed itself Newcastille-sur-le-Tyne-sans-le-fog. They need skilled grape pickers for the Northumberland vineyards so they they can make their totally unique Newki Brown Wine.
  • Finally, we must not forget the skilled bull fighters now that Wimbledon has renamed itself Wimbulldon and is going to use the Centre Court for bullfights when the tennis finishes.

With all these extra skilled jobs in building hotels and in the highly skilled tourist industry, Swella Braveperson has now whittled down the 660,000 illegal immigrant problem to just 66, who will be sent to Rwanda tomorrow or maybe the day after or perhaps 2026.

ANOTHER OF RISKI’S PROMISES FULFILLED !

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Riski’s Climate Change Plan

Posted on August 13, 2023 by john graham

On holiday in sunny California and visiting Disney, Riski had a sudden revelation about how to rebrand Britain in the light of climate change. It’s an idea that could restore the economy; solve the illegal migration crisis; put two fingers up to Europe AND win the next General Election for Riski.

All over Europe temperatures are rising dramatically, forest fires are burning and tourists are turning away from the holiday resorts around the Mediterranean.

Riski’s “Great Idea” is to rebrand Britain as the tourist capital of Europe. Our wetter maritime climate and only slightly warmer temperatures makes us the obvious alternative to the burned out islands of Greece or the hot hot hot spots of the Spanish, French and Italian riverias. The whole of continental Europe has become uncomfortably hot in the summer months and neither is there any snow in the winter ski resorts

From his previous success in cancelling HS2, (see the previous blog), the £100billion saving will be diverted to pay for flags, umbrellas, loungers, jet skis, paddle boards and most important of all …. New signs. All to upgrade our tourist towns.

To emphasise our new image as the Number 1, Numero Uno, holiday destination in Europe, all the UK coastal towns will have their names “enhanced” :-

  • Clacton will become Royal Clacton sur mer on the Costa del
  • Thames. It will host the Cannes film festival every year, which upset President Macaroon a bit. Maybe he should have made more effort to stop all those rubber dinghies leaving the Beaches at Calais.
  • Blackpool will be the new Paris of the North, with its Tower now called the Riski Tower. Camels and elephants will replace the donkeys for rides on the beach to give it more global appeal.
  • Barry Island will be renamed Taffymelinos on the Welsh Riviera. Tapas will be served with the fish and chips.
  • Roman holidays will be focussed on Bath which has reverted to its old name of “Bathominium”. Complete with the Riski Trevi fountain.
  • The Isle of White will in future be called the “Costa Blanco” and model itself on Monaco. It will be a tax haven for Russian oligarchs with big yachts and loads of dosh, which they can gamble away in the Riski Casino.
  • Liverpool now that it is much drier will be renamed “Liverpuddle”. It will become the permanent home of the Eurovision Song Contest, now that nobody wants to go to overheated Europe. The headline act each year will be the 90 year old supergroup — the Rolling Bones.
  • Edinburgh is already called “ the Athens of the North” so they will just need to recruit lots of men in frilly skirts and slippers to strut up and down Princess Street. They should fit in well with all the men in kilts.

There will be more good news to follow ………..

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Riski’s Rail Plan.

Posted on August 9, 2023 by john graham

HS2 has turned into a National disaster. Years behind schedule, it has already cost £40 billion and not a track has been laid yet. Because of spiralling costs, both ends of the line have been chopped off at least until 2050 and the extension to Leeds is cancelled altogether. The promised “ high speed” has been slowed down to walking pace because of tunnel air pressure or leaves on the line or something. The London terminus stops in North London rather short of where people wanted to go. Still the Government was pressing ahead. But, as the election draws nearer, conservative MP’s, whose constituencies are all along the route are beginning to worry about losing their seats.

But, Riski has a imaginative plan to solve all that. He can’t be seen to scrap HS2 because that would be too big a u-turn. He is going to build two new rail super hubs, at nightingale speed and nightingale cost. It should all be complete before the 2024 general election and save £BILLIONS, thereby getting the economy back on track rather than HS2.

An all new “Birmingham New Street Station” will be constructed at the end of Euston’s Platform 10. At a stroke this will reduce journey times to ZERO. You just get on the train standing at Platform 10, walk up the corridor and step off at Birmingham New Street. You just need imagination!

A twin superhub will be erected at Birmingham with a replica of Euston Platform10, for those wishing to travel the other way. Genius or what! The fare will be just the cost of a platform ticket.

No train drivers, no guards and no ticket collectors will be required, so they can all stay on strike indefinitely.

I know this all sounds a bit fanciful, but, it is about as realistic as the original plans for HS2 and as believable as most politicians promises ever are.

The £100 Billion saved by not building HS2 will be spent on “Riski’s Climate Change Plan”, which comes up next……….

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LLLP Covid Enquiry.

Posted on August 6, 2023 by john graham

The Government has just started it’s enquiry into the Covid outbreak. Somewhat conveniently that’s three years after it started, which is just long enough for all politicians and key other people who were involved to have moved on. What’s more it is not going to report until 2028 or 2029 or maybe even 2039; which is long enough for all the lawyers to drag it out and earn large fortunes and for any guilty parties to have retired and escaped to Argentina.

So the Last Laugh Looney Party has decided to have a much quicker look at the evidence and draw its own conclusions. Based on “ lived experience “ and a lawyer-free enquiry (not that lawyers are ever free).

Where did it start ? Everybody agrees it started in China in 2020 or maybe 2019. In a place called Wuhan, which no-one had herd of but just happens to be where China has it main virology laboratory, although this is purely coincidence. Apparently it came from bats or pangolins who happened to be visiting Wuhan at the time and later were eaten by some rather unfortunate Chinese people. Then some of these infected bats must have flown over to Italy, because that is where Covid turned up next. After a short while, with free movement of people and bats, Covid spread rapidly throughout Europe. Luckily thanks to Brexit there was a short pause before it arrived in Britain.

What about the pandemic plan? Not a lot of people knew we had a plan for dealing with pandemics, which had been drawn up in 2016 and then put in a drawer and forgotten. So we just floundered about in the dark hoping the bats would go away.

Follow the science ? That became the new mantra, because scientists had all sorts of great ideas about dealing with infection that no-one had ever thought of before, like:- “Wash your hands”; “ Wash your face”; and “ 2 metre space”. That’s when we ran out of soap! Unfortunately it didn’t work, so we had to solock down, stay at home, and close schools; unless you were a politician in which case you had to work incredibly hard 24/7 and only have parties on Friday’s or any other day when someone had a birthday.

To mask or not to mask? Seemed like a good idea, except there weren’t enough to go around. Same issue with PPE, ( only if you knew what PPE stood for). Apparently we did have a warehouse full of PPE in Scotland, but it only had one door so it took months to get it all out. Next came “test and trace”, sadly to start with we didn’t have any tests and were not able to trace anybody. All a bit of three steps forward four steps back.

So the LLLP’s interim report on phase 1 of the pandemic is:-

WE DIDN’T KNOW WHAT THE HELL WE WERE DOING !

BATS 1. GOVERNMENT 0.

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Barista’s or Barristers?

Posted on August 3, 2023 by john graham

How a simple spelling mistake can lead to migration chaos !

Everyone knows it takes longer to get a cup of coffee at Costa Lottee or Sturrbucks or any of the many posh cafes that have replaced high street shops in recent years. Espresso is no longer express and the Government is very concerned about this.

The hospitality industry is desperate for more barista’s before the queues go out the door and has been lobbying for immigration rules to be relaxed. Obviously this is a very hot topic and Swella Braveperson, who is Immigration Minister for the day, has agreed it might be possible to add “barista” to the “skilled worker “ list. After all it can take several minutes to train someone to make coffee.

Prime Minister Riski saw cutting coffee queues as a potential vote winner as it would enable a great many illegal immigrants to become fully qualified baristas in a matter of minutes. Thus halving the illegal immigration figures at a stroke.

Unfortunately, in the rush to get new bill through Parliament, the ever efficient civil servants made a small spelling mistake. Oops!

We now have 100,000 illegal immigrants classed as “barristers”. Still you can never have enough lawyers.

This new court of accidental lawyers will however come in very handy in advising and representing all the other migrants on how best to fill in their asylum applications. Riski is hoping that by October they will all be in “skilled occupations” like baristas and barristers ….. and fruit pickers and pocket pickers.

THAT WILL BE THE FIRST OF RISKI’S PROMISES FULFILLED.

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Bogged Down

Posted on July 30, 2023 by john graham

Back in the early days of COVID; or was it the war in Ukraine; or some other recent crisis; queues began to form in Tesco’s, as soon as people were told not to “panic buy”. Strangely enough, when you tell people not to do something, they do the opposite. Whatever the reason, shelves started to empty faster than the middle of the night, shelf-stackers could fill them up. Rumours spread and more people came and queued for what was left. Trolly wars broke out.

What was it all about? Well, toilet rolls were one of the first things to disappear off the shelves. We got our share and more thanks to our little helper band of clutter bears.

A small extension on the house was all we needed to store our new found hoard. Little did we know what a good move we had made.

An article in The Times on 22 July 2023 alerted us to our good fortune. All those years ago who could have forecast raging inflation and who had ever herd of shrinkflation ? In the golden olden days, one roll of Andrex Luxury Extra-soft Quilted toilet paper cost 25pence ( even less if you were lucky enough to get a bog-off offer ). At todays prices it will cost you at least double that. But that’s not all Andrex, have quietly been downsizing by making the sheets 4mm smaller all round and by reducing the number of sheets per roll from 160 down to 155.

Thanks to the Clutter Bears we still have a five year supply of the larger longer toilet rolls and it gives us time to stock up on constipation pills!

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McBODJ’s SCOTTISH BETRAYAL.

Posted on July 23, 2023 by john graham

Resting on his deckchair in not so sunny Scotland, KING McBODJ began to wonder if he had slipped into a backwater and might miss his opportunity to become World Leader. He needed another of his “ great ideas”.

In a few years Scotland would be covered in trees and every town in Scotland would have a 1,000 Nickola Stickler caravan park to house the tree-planters and wall-builders. Bodj quickly calculated that 1,000 caravan parks with 4 immigrants / van, times 23,456 towns in Scotland added up to over 23 million tree-planters and wall builders with nothing much to do. The wall-builders were put to work rebuilding Hadrians wall to keep out the English, it will be renamed McBODJ’s Wall.

Now for the “great idea”, secretly Bodj’s master plan all along. Scotland will rejoin the European Union and thanks to their rules about ‘free movement of peoples’, all the 93 million tree-planters and wall-builders can move back to countries in the EU. Nickola Stickler wii become the new European Commissioner for Caravans and she will be joined by her former best friend Alex Hands-Free Samon, who has been re admitted to the SNP now that Scotland has become independent.

Nickola Stickler will direct the tree-planters to start by replacing all the forests that were burned down in the recent heatwaves that occurred throughout Europe; then they can plant more trees in the Alps where the snow has melted and finally they can plant even more trees on the grass farm lands. These are no longer needed now that the EU has decided that cows create too much methane and everyone must become a vegetarian.

Alex Hands-Free Salmon will become the EU Defence Minister and start building fences. He can begin with a wall along the Russian border. This will be the new “Red Wall”, designed to keep out Putins red Army. It hasn’t yet occurred to AH-FS that Russia has nuclear rocket that go over walls. AH-FS has another big task, which is to build a Sea Defence Wall along the coast of Europe to keep back the ever-rising sea levels. He will model his efforts on King Canute.

Meanwhile KING McBODJ has decided to move his seat from Balmoral to higher ground in Switzerland where it is cooler and there is loads of money and no tax. He now wants to be like Elon Musk and Jeff Bozo and start building a rocket to Mars in case his plans for combating climate change don’t quite work out.

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The King McBODJ Legacy.

Posted on July 16, 2023 by john graham

In an earlier post I said that KING McBODJ had a succession plan. This was because it is clearly not possible, even for a great man like Bodj, to solve all the worlds problems in one lifetime.

So KING McBODJ has declared that each of his children should follow in his footsteps and rule over different parts of the world. In a new Greco-Roman Empire. There are 23, 456 countries in the world and Bodj is doing his best to keep up.

For now he intends to start with Europe. All the little Bodj’s with Roman names will be crowned as Bodj-Prince to each member country of the European Union. There are only 27, so he has probably got enough children already for that, although he can’t quite remember.

Bodj thinks his eldest son – Augustus- should take over Austria, because that alliteration is easy to recall and Bodj seems to remember that some other leader started out that way before World War 2. Then Brutus could manage Belgium. Caligula cold be posted to Croatia. Claudius to the Czech Republic. Continuing all the way through the alphabet to Vespasian, who would have to look after Venezula, because Europe doesn’t have a country beginning with V.

Of course, we mustn’t forget the little Bodj- princesses. They will help rule over the rest of the world, which will be the more serene Greek side of the Empire. Bodj-Princess Athena will look after America, because King Bodj thinks she was a child of his flower-power days on holiday in Sanfrancisco. Athena is the goddess of war so she will enjoy playing with all those guns. Princess Carrie, who is often mistaken for King Bodj’s daughter, with her expertise in very expensive wallpaper, she will be sent to pacify China and get back Hong Kong. All the other little princesses will charm their way around the world adding countries to the Empire as they go.

Statues of KING BODJ will be erected everywhere and his life’s work will be done – for the moment. Although, there is always more work for super-heroes, so as Bodj once famously said “Hasta la vista, baby”

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Promises Fulfilled 🤡

Posted on July 14, 2023 by john graham

From my last post, it is clear that we have a great many problems which are not being solved and never will be unless we take radical action. So to start with we need to put the country* on a wartime footing, where all rules about employment law and planning conditions will be temporarily suspended for a year or two or three or more.

* When I say the country, I just mean Scotland, because it is pretty lawless already.

We will start with immigration and climate change. They should be no problem for a great leader with creative ideas and a burning ambition to show the world how things should be done. Bring back Bodj and make him the new ALL POWERFUL KING OF SCOTLAND.

At a stroke KING McBODJ will stop the trade in illegal immigration across the Channel. In a echo of the Dunkirk spirit, all those waiting on the beaches will be picked up in France and given free passage to Glasgow in the newly commandeered and re-commissioned Royal Yacht McBODJ Britannia. The yacht will make weekly trips to Calais and recruit 1,000 tree-planters at a time. The reason for only 1,000 a week, is because that is the rate that King M cBODJ’s newly appointed Governor General – Stickler Sturgeon – can build caravan parks all over Scotland. Luckily Stickler found £660,000 from somewhere to pay for them all and she already knew something about caravans.

So KING McBODJ’s first great idea to get us to Net Zero is to plant trees all over Scotland; in the highlands and lowlands and islands and mountains. Douglas Fir and Scots Pine will be the trees of choice, but there will also be Boris Birches and Stickler Spruce. For this he will need a huge labour force, which is his second great idea, which he remembered from his excellent knowledge of Roman history. The Romans never managed to conquer Scotland, but KING McBODJ will show how if he were a Roman Emperor it could be done. So the tree-planter labour force will be all the immigrants who want to come to the UK.

Now we are well on the way to solving two of our and the worlds biggest problems. Happily, we have also harnessed two of our most problematic politicians. If only all the other countries around the world could have leaders like this. But KingMcBODJ is working on this with a unique succession plan, which we will come back to.

But, that’s not the end of this saga …….. See next weeks thrilling episode 🤡

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