GrumbleSmiles

The Riski University is an early way out of the Riski Army after one year of service in the army. It will be modelled on the apprentice TV show and focussed on practical business skills. Lord Sugar has agreed to be the University Vice Chancellor and promote the success of the scheme with a new TV series entitled “Anyone can be like Riski”.

The students will of course have to pay fees, starting with a £5,000 welcome-to-the-UK charge. The annual fee will thereafter be £10.000 a year for three years. It will be given by the Riski Loan Company and be paid back over the next ten years. The interest will only be 39% pr annum which should be no problem if you go on to be a banker or a Prime Minister like Riski.

Students still wear a Last Laugh Looney Party style uniform but it will include a kilt to accustom them to the colder climate of bonnie Scotland, where the Riski University will be located.

The Riski Army has really taken off. As a great idea. Almost overnight the little rubber dinghies have stopped crossing the Channel. Riski holiday camps have sprung up in Scotland and have been renamed Riski’s Luxury Hotels. Three hundred have been built to the highest possible standards. Army standards that is —- a camp bed, a small locker and a straw bale for sitting on, if you ever have time.

The army has also been given a new title and is to be called Riski’s Foreign Legion. It is now 3,000.000 strong and is larger than the Russian Red Army or the NHS. Recruits are being trained in all the essential skills —— train driving; nursing; delivery driving; driving instructing; ambulance drivers; DVLA administering; vegetable picking; —— and forward planning for other possible strikes will include G.P.’s; brain surgeons; dust bin collectors and anybody who wants more money. Except for civil servants, lawyers and bankers, who if they go on strike, won’t be replaced. Oh! And the House of Lards.

Thinking about it, it is not such a bad deal, when compared to the current situation of illegal migrants who pay £5,000 to cross the Channel in a flimsy dinghy and the end up in a non-luxury hotel or holiday camp, while they wait three years to have their case assessed before being sent to Rwanda.

To be in The Riski Army will be a matter of pride. They will be taught English and wear smart uniforms. The uniforms will be copied from the Last Laugh Loony Party so that their contribution to society can be clearly seen where ever they work. They will be taught new skills and be given badges for achievements, like the Boy Scouts and Girl Guides. High achievers will be promoted to leadership roles and can in two years move on to the Riski University.

At any time it is possible to be demobbed from the Riski Army you just have to agree to pay for your own flight home or go anywhere else that will have you.

Almost by accident Riski Somewhat, our nearly new latest Prime Minister may have stumbled upon the answer to all our problems.

No more labour shortages. Anyone who wants to come here, who is over the age of eighteen is welcome, providing they are prepared to enlist in Riski’s Army for three years. If they come illegally they will be automatically conscripted for five years.

No more inflation. With the Riski Army used to fill all the labour shortages at minimum cost. the price of UK sourced goods and services will fall dramatically. This will boost the economy and promote greater UK self-sufficiency.

No more strikes. The disruptive trade unions will have to get back in their boxes, because the Riski Army will be ready to step in at a moments notice. Army training will make sure they have all the skills necessary for delivering the post or repairing the railways or even driving the odd train or two. Of course if neurosurgeons go on strike your next head operation might be a bit Riski 🤡

No more illegal immigration. The people smuggling gangs will have to redirect their efforts elsewhere, now that Riski’s new conscription policy is in place. Who will want to pay £5,000 to cross the channel in a little rubber boat, when all they have to do is jump on a P&O ferry or a Eurostar express train. On arrival they can instantly signup for Riski’s Army and they will whisked off to a Butlins or a Pontins holiday camp somewhere in the UK. What could be better?

No more Scottish independence talk. Of course this new more positive Riski immigration approach will probably be extremely popular and there may not be enough holiday camps for everyone. But our lateral thinking, out of the box, ever-inventive, nearly new, latest Prime Minister has a Riski answer. If the army was able to build a Nightingale hospital in a few weeks, they can build Riski holiday camps all over Scotland in no time at all. No doubt, when all the migrants who were housed in Scotland finish their three year stint in Riski Army and become UK citizens they are hardly likely to vote for the SNP.

Yet another problem solved thanks to Riski. Who knows, perhaps he could become our new,new Prime Minister at the next election 🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡

Dear Andy,

I do hope you have received my first letter, although sadly I misspelt Kirkcaldy. Still I am sure Jock the postie knew what I ment. After all, I was only trying to keep him in a job. There again, he could have been on strike. Still you should get this second letter eventually, even if it is in 2023!

Strikes seem to be the order of the day at the moment, so it may be that someone in an army uniform will be delivering your letter. Soldiers are rapidly being trained to be posties, train drivers, ambulance driving instructors, border force people, G.P.’s, nurses and soon that will probably include brain surgeons.

Our latest Prime Minister, Riski Somewhat has been consulting with the Last Laugh Looney Party about a long term plan to combat the increasingly militant trade unions. CONSCRIPTION !

Conscript all the nurses and doctors and ambulance drivers and then put them to work in hospitals. Don’t include most of the administration staff, if they go on strike nobody would mind.

Conscript all the train drivers and put them to work on the trains. Then if the trains don’t run on time the drivers could be court marshalled and demoted to be ticket collectors.

Conscript all the posties and get them delivering my letters.

Don’t bother conscripting the boarder guards because they are not managing to stop people coming into the UK anyway.

Finally, Riski’s masterstroke, he has a plan to resolve the immigration problem without using Uganda. CONSCRIPTION ! Enlist all three million people who have come to the UK in the last three years. They will be granted full UK citizenship after serving three years in the army on the minimum wage.

Hence to be called “The Riski Army”.

This should solve all our labour shortage problems. No difficulty finding potato pickers in future, just call in the Army.