GrumbleSmiles

Resting on his deckchair in not so sunny Scotland, KING McBODJ began to wonder if he had slipped into a backwater and might miss his opportunity to become World Leader. He needed another of his “ great ideas”.

In a few years Scotland would be covered in trees and every town in Scotland would have a 1,000 Nickola Stickler caravan park to house the tree-planters and wall-builders. Bodj quickly calculated that 1,000 caravan parks with 4 immigrants / van, times 23,456 towns in Scotland added up to over 23 million tree-planters and wall builders with nothing much to do. The wall-builders were put to work rebuilding Hadrians wall to keep out the English, it will be renamed McBODJ’s Wall.

Now for the “great idea”, secretly Bodj’s master plan all along. Scotland will rejoin the European Union and thanks to their rules about ‘free movement of peoples’, all the 93 million tree-planters and wall-builders can move back to countries in the EU. Nickola Stickler wii become the new European Commissioner for Caravans and she will be joined by her former best friend Alex Hands-Free Samon, who has been re admitted to the SNP now that Scotland has become independent.

Nickola Stickler will direct the tree-planters to start by replacing all the forests that were burned down in the recent heatwaves that occurred throughout Europe; then they can plant more trees in the Alps where the snow has melted and finally they can plant even more trees on the grass farm lands. These are no longer needed now that the EU has decided that cows create too much methane and everyone must become a vegetarian.

Alex Hands-Free Salmon will become the EU Defence Minister and start building fences. He can begin with a wall along the Russian border. This will be the new “Red Wall”, designed to keep out Putins red Army. It hasn’t yet occurred to AH-FS that Russia has nuclear rocket that go over walls. AH-FS has another big task, which is to build a Sea Defence Wall along the coast of Europe to keep back the ever-rising sea levels. He will model his efforts on King Canute.

Meanwhile KING McBODJ has decided to move his seat from Balmoral to higher ground in Switzerland where it is cooler and there is loads of money and no tax. He now wants to be like Elon Musk and Jeff Bozo and start building a rocket to Mars in case his plans for combating climate change don’t quite work out.

In an earlier post I said that KING McBODJ had a succession plan. This was because it is clearly not possible, even for a great man like Bodj, to solve all the worlds problems in one lifetime.

So KING McBODJ has declared that each of his children should follow in his footsteps and rule over different parts of the world. In a new Greco-Roman Empire. There are 23, 456 countries in the world and Bodj is doing his best to keep up.

For now he intends to start with Europe. All the little Bodj’s with Roman names will be crowned as Bodj-Prince to each member country of the European Union. There are only 27, so he has probably got enough children already for that, although he can’t quite remember.

Bodj thinks his eldest son – Augustus- should take over Austria, because that alliteration is easy to recall and Bodj seems to remember that some other leader started out that way before World War 2. Then Brutus could manage Belgium. Caligula cold be posted to Croatia. Claudius to the Czech Republic. Continuing all the way through the alphabet to Vespasian, who would have to look after Venezula, because Europe doesn’t have a country beginning with V.

Of course, we mustn’t forget the little Bodj- princesses. They will help rule over the rest of the world, which will be the more serene Greek side of the Empire. Bodj-Princess Athena will look after America, because King Bodj thinks she was a child of his flower-power days on holiday in Sanfrancisco. Athena is the goddess of war so she will enjoy playing with all those guns. Princess Carrie, who is often mistaken for King Bodj’s daughter, with her expertise in very expensive wallpaper, she will be sent to pacify China and get back Hong Kong. All the other little princesses will charm their way around the world adding countries to the Empire as they go.

Statues of KING BODJ will be erected everywhere and his life’s work will be done – for the moment. Although, there is always more work for super-heroes, so as Bodj once famously said “Hasta la vista, baby”

From my last post, it is clear that we have a great many problems which are not being solved and never will be unless we take radical action. So to start with we need to put the country* on a wartime footing, where all rules about employment law and planning conditions will be temporarily suspended for a year or two or three or more.

* When I say the country, I just mean Scotland, because it is pretty lawless already.

We will start with immigration and climate change. They should be no problem for a great leader with creative ideas and a burning ambition to show the world how things should be done. Bring back Bodj and make him the new ALL POWERFUL KING OF SCOTLAND.

At a stroke KING McBODJ will stop the trade in illegal immigration across the Channel. In a echo of the Dunkirk spirit, all those waiting on the beaches will be picked up in France and given free passage to Glasgow in the newly commandeered and re-commissioned Royal Yacht McBODJ Britannia. The yacht will make weekly trips to Calais and recruit 1,000 tree-planters at a time. The reason for only 1,000 a week, is because that is the rate that King M cBODJ’s newly appointed Governor General – Stickler Sturgeon – can build caravan parks all over Scotland. Luckily Stickler found £660,000 from somewhere to pay for them all and she already knew something about caravans.

So KING McBODJ’s first great idea to get us to Net Zero is to plant trees all over Scotland; in the highlands and lowlands and islands and mountains. Douglas Fir and Scots Pine will be the trees of choice, but there will also be Boris Birches and Stickler Spruce. For this he will need a huge labour force, which is his second great idea, which he remembered from his excellent knowledge of Roman history. The Romans never managed to conquer Scotland, but KING McBODJ will show how if he were a Roman Emperor it could be done. So the tree-planter labour force will be all the immigrants who want to come to the UK.

Now we are well on the way to solving two of our and the worlds biggest problems. Happily, we have also harnessed two of our most problematic politicians. If only all the other countries around the world could have leaders like this. But KingMcBODJ is working on this with a unique succession plan, which we will come back to.

But, that’s not the end of this saga …….. See next weeks thrilling episode 🤡