LLLP “Freedom Workforce” Expands.

Posted on August 30, 2023 by john graham

My last post introduced the Last Laugh Looney Party idea for getting Britain back on its feet. In particular taking a more positive approach to immigration and a more productive use of prisoners time. It also enabled us to take great steps forward with renovating our older housing stock and creating much needed new housing. This virtuous triumvirate of opportunities was only possible by putting the Government on a wartime footing; suspending Parliament and giving executive authority to the LLLP.

This leaves the existing crop of current MP’s with nothing to do, other than sit on their hands. Which is pretty much what they did already 🤡, but the LLLP HAS A SOLUTION FOR PEOPLE WHO SIT ON THEIR HANDS. All the sitting MP’s will be expected to take this time out to get closer to their constituents and experience life outside the Westminster bubble. For a year they will work for minimum wage in the Freedom Force.

They will receive no expenses or special privileges and will be required to do the same jobs as the immigrants and prisoners. At the end of their year there will be a General Election and the MP’s can re-start their political careers. It will be interesting to see if their views have changed. The voters will have the final say in whether they are re-elected.

The LLLP will next turn its attention to any other groups who are sitting on their hands. Watch out for the next post🤡

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LLLP “Freedom Workforce”

Posted on August 27, 2023 by john graham

As I have said before both Riski and Stammer are not going to be able to solve the countries problems without loads of money—which we haven’t got. Stopping the boats didn’t work and prison doesn’t work.

At the last count there were 660,000 asylum seekers awaiting their application being assessed and more arriving every day. This is not going to stop, so we need a more positive approach. They are not allowed to work while their application is in a lengthening queue, so they sit on their hands in hotels that cost taxpayers millions. Eventually 59% of applications are approved, but while they are waiting they learn no new skills and nothing of our culture, other than that we are not a very welcoming country.

In prison there is another group of people not working. There are 89,000 people also sitting on their hands and learning no new skills, other than maybe how to commit more crimes. 55% of prisoners serving less than 1 year reoffend. Each year they spend locked up costs £46,696 each, at a total cost of £6.1 billion annually.

The Last Laugh Looney Party has a creative solution to both of these issues, which will also solve another major issue which our timid, wasteful politicians have talked a lot about but completely failed to address. That is poor housing conditions and a significant shortage of new houses.

It requires thinking outside the box and some wartime rapid decision making. The LLLP idea is to create a “Freedom Workforce” from all the sitting-on-hands people in exchange for improving their skills, their long term job prospects and a pathway to citizenship or being reintegrated into society.

The Freedom Workforce will work for nothing to start with and therefore cost no more to the taxpayers for the first year, until they have acquired enough skill to be economically productive. Thereafter they will be paid the minimum wage in year two, rising to a full apprentice rate for the job in year three.

The Freedom Workforce will be tasked with renovating the country’s housing stock and building new homes. King Charles has generously agreed to provide free land from the Crown Estates and half of the Nations golf courses will be sequestered for new housing estates. Planning regulations will be relaxed to accelerate new housing projects.

NOT A BAD START. MIGRANTS WELCOMED AND USEFULLY EMPLOYED. PRISONERS REHABILITATED. ALL AT NO COST TO THE TAXPAYERS.

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The LLLP is back 🤡

Posted on August 23, 2023 by john graham

The General Election is only a year away and Riski and Stammer are paralysed with a lack of imagination. What can they promise the voters if there is no money to spend?

Time for some Last Laugh Looney Party free ideas that could be adopted be either political party for their manifestos :-

  • Every household will be given a free adult migrant as an apprentice for a year. They will be expected to diligently work on any task directed by the householder. In exchange they will get bed and breakfast, which may be in a tent in the garden. They will also be taught English. This boat people opportunity will be offered to floating voters on a first come first served basis. The LLLP must emphasise that this is not a form of modern slavery, it’s more a golden opportunity to become fully integrated into British values and culture.
  • To help to combat climate change and enable us to reach Nett Zero by 2050, central heating will be phased out immediately. After all we didn’t have it in the olden days, one bar electric fires should be enough to keep you warm in one room. According to the weather forecasters it’s going to get a lot warmer very shortly. That will save on people’s energy bills and put an end to all this silly talk about replacing gas boilers with heat exchangers or new expensive nuclear power stations.
  • Working from home should be the norm for all politicians in future, which will keep them more in touch with their constituents. It will also save a fortune in MP’s expenses and eliminate the need to refurbish the House of Commons And the House of Lords, which can be let out as tourist attractions.
  • Free BBC TV —— the license fee will be abolished altogether, now that just about every programme is a repeat. They will remind people of times gone bye :- when cops actually caught robbers and Dixon of Dock Green was on the beat; or when Dr Finley saw patients face to face and sometimes even did home visits. Of course it is very sad that many over-paid TV personalities will have to be made redundant.
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Riski’s Briski Marathon.

Posted on August 20, 2023 by john graham

From my previous blogs you can clearly see that Riski has a plan for climate change and has begun to turn around the economy …. And has resolved the boat people problem.

So now he is turning his super-imaginative mind to the bloated, bureaucratic, sclerotic NHS. All attempts to reform the system have failed and the managers just ask for more money. Now half the staff are on strike for higher pay and waiting lists for treatment get longer and longer. 7,000,000 and counting.

Some clown in the Department of Illhealth, Stephen Barkingmad – Minister-for-the-moment, came up with the idea of cards in cigarette packets with messages like “It is not woke to smoke” and “ smoke makes you broke” or may be “Smoking adds to global warming”. Somehow Riski didn’t think that would work. People wold just buy more cigarettes to collect the cards, like they did with film stars and footballers in the olden days.

At the moment we are just about the fattest nation on earth. So Riski had a better idea … EXERCISE . A National plan to get us all fitter.

Riski has declared that next week will be “BRISKI MARATHON WEEK”. Between the hours of 8am and 9am every day except Sunday, everybody will be asked to come out and walk at least 4 miles. That will almost add up to a marathon in a week. All traffic will have to stop to allow people to get out of their vehicles and walk. This will improve Britains carbon footprint by an estimated 5% in one small step for mankind and womankind and LGBTQ+kind.

Participation will be entirely voluntary, but any one who does not take part will go to the back of the NHS waiting list should they need any health services. Children under two years will be able to travel in push chairs. Other malingers can be exempted provided they have a Doctors note, although there is a two year waiting list for GP appointments.

The tried and tested Covid track and trace system will identify people who attempt to cheat and they will be rounded up and put on treadmills in public parks and have to walk double miles. The treadmills will generate electricity and will be linked to the National Grid. Another 500,000 kilowatts every week! Ka-ching.

After a week Riski’s great idea will be independently evaluated by Riski’s best friends and anticipating that it will be a great success, it will be extended to BRISKI MARATHON YEAR !

The office of national statistics has estimated that by the end of 2024, conveniently before the General Election, the UK population will have lost 65,000,000 stones in weight; 25,000,000 inches around the National waist and generated enough power to stop drilling more oil wells in the North Sea, which should shut up the Just Stop Oil protesters.

🤡JOB DONE🤡

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Riski’s Climate Change Plan —Part 2

Posted on August 16, 2023 by john graham

Following on from my last post, momentum is gathering and the full benefits of Riski’s imaginative ideas are starting to be realised. Few could have contemplated how far reaching the proposals would be.

The first sign of a change in the economy is the rush to start hotel building all along the coast to accommodate the anticipated influx of tourists. Roubles of investment are flowing in from Russia, mostly in unmarked laundry bags, which the bankers say is totally legitimate.

Another big spin-off of the boom in tourism is the need for many more specialist workers. To solve this Riski has learned from his experience with the 1,000s of accidental barista’s who were conveniently found among the illegal immigrants (see my earlier blog “Barista’s or Barristers). Recategorising illegal immigrants as “skilled Workers” does wonders for the statistics on migration. Indeed we now can welcome many more rubber dinghies crossing the Channel, providing they meet the strict definition of “skilled worker”. On this point Swella Braveperson, ( the longest serving Home Secretary for ages), has been lengthening the list of people skills needed in our world beating holiday industry to include :-

  • In Blackpool – the Paris-of-the-North, we need skilled French Accordionists at the Riski Tower and skilled Camel herders and skilled Elephant Trainers to stop the wild animals running amok.
  • All along the south coast we will need skilled deck-chair putter outers and skilled ice cream sellers and lots of skilled life guards. Preferably ones who can swim. Lots of migrants seem sort of skilled with small boats, so they could do short day trips to France.
  • In Edinburgh – the Athens-of-the-North, we need skilled Greek dancers and probably some skilled Ouzo Distillers and maybe some skilled Spartans called Spartacus.
  • Newcastle has joined the holiday spirit and renamed itself Newcastille-sur-le-Tyne-sans-le-fog. They need skilled grape pickers for the Northumberland vineyards so they they can make their totally unique Newki Brown Wine.
  • Finally, we must not forget the skilled bull fighters now that Wimbledon has renamed itself Wimbulldon and is going to use the Centre Court for bullfights when the tennis finishes.

With all these extra skilled jobs in building hotels and in the highly skilled tourist industry, Swella Braveperson has now whittled down the 660,000 illegal immigrant problem to just 66, who will be sent to Rwanda tomorrow or maybe the day after or perhaps 2026.

ANOTHER OF RISKI’S PROMISES FULFILLED !

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Riski’s Climate Change Plan

Posted on August 13, 2023 by john graham

On holiday in sunny California and visiting Disney, Riski had a sudden revelation about how to rebrand Britain in the light of climate change. It’s an idea that could restore the economy; solve the illegal migration crisis; put two fingers up to Europe AND win the next General Election for Riski.

All over Europe temperatures are rising dramatically, forest fires are burning and tourists are turning away from the holiday resorts around the Mediterranean.

Riski’s “Great Idea” is to rebrand Britain as the tourist capital of Europe. Our wetter maritime climate and only slightly warmer temperatures makes us the obvious alternative to the burned out islands of Greece or the hot hot hot spots of the Spanish, French and Italian riverias. The whole of continental Europe has become uncomfortably hot in the summer months and neither is there any snow in the winter ski resorts

From his previous success in cancelling HS2, (see the previous blog), the £100billion saving will be diverted to pay for flags, umbrellas, loungers, jet skis, paddle boards and most important of all …. New signs. All to upgrade our tourist towns.

To emphasise our new image as the Number 1, Numero Uno, holiday destination in Europe, all the UK coastal towns will have their names “enhanced” :-

  • Clacton will become Royal Clacton sur mer on the Costa del
  • Thames. It will host the Cannes film festival every year, which upset President Macaroon a bit. Maybe he should have made more effort to stop all those rubber dinghies leaving the Beaches at Calais.
  • Blackpool will be the new Paris of the North, with its Tower now called the Riski Tower. Camels and elephants will replace the donkeys for rides on the beach to give it more global appeal.
  • Barry Island will be renamed Taffymelinos on the Welsh Riviera. Tapas will be served with the fish and chips.
  • Roman holidays will be focussed on Bath which has reverted to its old name of “Bathominium”. Complete with the Riski Trevi fountain.
  • The Isle of White will in future be called the “Costa Blanco” and model itself on Monaco. It will be a tax haven for Russian oligarchs with big yachts and loads of dosh, which they can gamble away in the Riski Casino.
  • Liverpool now that it is much drier will be renamed “Liverpuddle”. It will become the permanent home of the Eurovision Song Contest, now that nobody wants to go to overheated Europe. The headline act each year will be the 90 year old supergroup — the Rolling Bones.
  • Edinburgh is already called “ the Athens of the North” so they will just need to recruit lots of men in frilly skirts and slippers to strut up and down Princess Street. They should fit in well with all the men in kilts.

There will be more good news to follow ………..

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Riski’s Rail Plan.

Posted on August 9, 2023 by john graham

HS2 has turned into a National disaster. Years behind schedule, it has already cost £40 billion and not a track has been laid yet. Because of spiralling costs, both ends of the line have been chopped off at least until 2050 and the extension to Leeds is cancelled altogether. The promised “ high speed” has been slowed down to walking pace because of tunnel air pressure or leaves on the line or something. The London terminus stops in North London rather short of where people wanted to go. Still the Government was pressing ahead. But, as the election draws nearer, conservative MP’s, whose constituencies are all along the route are beginning to worry about losing their seats.

But, Riski has a imaginative plan to solve all that. He can’t be seen to scrap HS2 because that would be too big a u-turn. He is going to build two new rail super hubs, at nightingale speed and nightingale cost. It should all be complete before the 2024 general election and save £BILLIONS, thereby getting the economy back on track rather than HS2.

An all new “Birmingham New Street Station” will be constructed at the end of Euston’s Platform 10. At a stroke this will reduce journey times to ZERO. You just get on the train standing at Platform 10, walk up the corridor and step off at Birmingham New Street. You just need imagination!

A twin superhub will be erected at Birmingham with a replica of Euston Platform10, for those wishing to travel the other way. Genius or what! The fare will be just the cost of a platform ticket.

No train drivers, no guards and no ticket collectors will be required, so they can all stay on strike indefinitely.

I know this all sounds a bit fanciful, but, it is about as realistic as the original plans for HS2 and as believable as most politicians promises ever are.

The £100 Billion saved by not building HS2 will be spent on “Riski’s Climate Change Plan”, which comes up next……….

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LLLP Covid Enquiry.

Posted on August 6, 2023 by john graham

The Government has just started it’s enquiry into the Covid outbreak. Somewhat conveniently that’s three years after it started, which is just long enough for all politicians and key other people who were involved to have moved on. What’s more it is not going to report until 2028 or 2029 or maybe even 2039; which is long enough for all the lawyers to drag it out and earn large fortunes and for any guilty parties to have retired and escaped to Argentina.

So the Last Laugh Looney Party has decided to have a much quicker look at the evidence and draw its own conclusions. Based on “ lived experience “ and a lawyer-free enquiry (not that lawyers are ever free).

Where did it start ? Everybody agrees it started in China in 2020 or maybe 2019. In a place called Wuhan, which no-one had herd of but just happens to be where China has it main virology laboratory, although this is purely coincidence. Apparently it came from bats or pangolins who happened to be visiting Wuhan at the time and later were eaten by some rather unfortunate Chinese people. Then some of these infected bats must have flown over to Italy, because that is where Covid turned up next. After a short while, with free movement of people and bats, Covid spread rapidly throughout Europe. Luckily thanks to Brexit there was a short pause before it arrived in Britain.

What about the pandemic plan? Not a lot of people knew we had a plan for dealing with pandemics, which had been drawn up in 2016 and then put in a drawer and forgotten. So we just floundered about in the dark hoping the bats would go away.

Follow the science ? That became the new mantra, because scientists had all sorts of great ideas about dealing with infection that no-one had ever thought of before, like:- “Wash your hands”; “ Wash your face”; and “ 2 metre space”. That’s when we ran out of soap! Unfortunately it didn’t work, so we had to solock down, stay at home, and close schools; unless you were a politician in which case you had to work incredibly hard 24/7 and only have parties on Friday’s or any other day when someone had a birthday.

To mask or not to mask? Seemed like a good idea, except there weren’t enough to go around. Same issue with PPE, ( only if you knew what PPE stood for). Apparently we did have a warehouse full of PPE in Scotland, but it only had one door so it took months to get it all out. Next came “test and trace”, sadly to start with we didn’t have any tests and were not able to trace anybody. All a bit of three steps forward four steps back.

So the LLLP’s interim report on phase 1 of the pandemic is:-

WE DIDN’T KNOW WHAT THE HELL WE WERE DOING !

BATS 1. GOVERNMENT 0.

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Barista’s or Barristers?

Posted on August 3, 2023 by john graham

How a simple spelling mistake can lead to migration chaos !

Everyone knows it takes longer to get a cup of coffee at Costa Lottee or Sturrbucks or any of the many posh cafes that have replaced high street shops in recent years. Espresso is no longer express and the Government is very concerned about this.

The hospitality industry is desperate for more barista’s before the queues go out the door and has been lobbying for immigration rules to be relaxed. Obviously this is a very hot topic and Swella Braveperson, who is Immigration Minister for the day, has agreed it might be possible to add “barista” to the “skilled worker “ list. After all it can take several minutes to train someone to make coffee.

Prime Minister Riski saw cutting coffee queues as a potential vote winner as it would enable a great many illegal immigrants to become fully qualified baristas in a matter of minutes. Thus halving the illegal immigration figures at a stroke.

Unfortunately, in the rush to get new bill through Parliament, the ever efficient civil servants made a small spelling mistake. Oops!

We now have 100,000 illegal immigrants classed as “barristers”. Still you can never have enough lawyers.

This new court of accidental lawyers will however come in very handy in advising and representing all the other migrants on how best to fill in their asylum applications. Riski is hoping that by October they will all be in “skilled occupations” like baristas and barristers ….. and fruit pickers and pocket pickers.

THAT WILL BE THE FIRST OF RISKI’S PROMISES FULFILLED.

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Bogged Down

Posted on July 30, 2023 by john graham

Back in the early days of COVID; or was it the war in Ukraine; or some other recent crisis; queues began to form in Tesco’s, as soon as people were told not to “panic buy”. Strangely enough, when you tell people not to do something, they do the opposite. Whatever the reason, shelves started to empty faster than the middle of the night, shelf-stackers could fill them up. Rumours spread and more people came and queued for what was left. Trolly wars broke out.

What was it all about? Well, toilet rolls were one of the first things to disappear off the shelves. We got our share and more thanks to our little helper band of clutter bears.

A small extension on the house was all we needed to store our new found hoard. Little did we know what a good move we had made.

An article in The Times on 22 July 2023 alerted us to our good fortune. All those years ago who could have forecast raging inflation and who had ever herd of shrinkflation ? In the golden olden days, one roll of Andrex Luxury Extra-soft Quilted toilet paper cost 25pence ( even less if you were lucky enough to get a bog-off offer ). At todays prices it will cost you at least double that. But that’s not all Andrex, have quietly been downsizing by making the sheets 4mm smaller all round and by reducing the number of sheets per roll from 160 down to 155.

Thanks to the Clutter Bears we still have a five year supply of the larger longer toilet rolls and it gives us time to stock up on constipation pills!

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