GrumbleSmiles

Just one of the gifted Prime Minister Stammer’s missions left to address. Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink — that’s because it’s all been polluted by the Tory water companies.

There is only one person for the job — Deputy Prime Minister and proud council house owner — Angie Rainer.

Angie figured out we need more rain and as a good working class girl/ person she likes dancing, so what about a regular National rain dance? She remembered how well everyone clapping on the doorstep helped the NHS through Covid.

So Angie’s answer to water shortages is for every one to come out on their doorstep every night and do a rain dance and SING :-

• Monday – “Singing in the rain”
• Tuesday – “Here comes the rain again”
• Wednesday – “Raindrops keep falling on my head”
• Thursday – “Purple rain”
• Friday – “Crying in the rain”
• Saturday – “ It’s raining men”
• Sunday- “It might as well rain until September”

THAT SHOULD DO THE TRICK IN THE SHORT TERM.

But, as the gifted Stammer has said over and over, this is a 10 year mission to overcome 14 years of Tory neglect. Not to worry Angie has that covered.

A National hosepipe from Loch Ness to the Midlands down the central reservation of the M6. Then on down the M5 to the South West and the M1 to everywhere’s else.

This new lifeline pipeline is only made of firemen’s hoses, so it is cheap and easy to install.

Angie thought of it all by herself, just after she bought a load of shares in a hose pipe company.

Rach Rivet’s budget day is looming or perhaps it should be dooming. Certainly she has painted a picture of how bad the £22 billion black hole in the economy is. It will take lot of dosh to fill the Tory black hole either with tax rises or more borrowing.

Still things are looking up after the new Health Minister —Wes Streeking announced his Healthy Living Programme. He has projected a 50% reduction in the drugs bill, that should save £9 billion every year; although some will have to be spent on paying higher salaries to GP’s — sorry Health Advisor Consultants — say around £3billion. Oh and the gifted football prescriptions and paid health leave and free bikes will cost another £7billion. Leaving a nett saving of -£1 billion. Oops!

Never mind, because Energy Minister – Miserable Ed – has plans to reduce energy costs by 100% once he has closed all the power stations and banned all oil and gas boilers. There maybe a few years when it’s a bit cold before all the new windmills can be fully operational.

The ballooning cost of the NHS is without doubt one of the biggest issues facing the new Government. It is no good tinkering with it, it needs a complete rethink. The Last Laugh Looney Party is the only group bold enough to give it a radical overhaul.

Let’s start with “ free at the point of delivery “. It is not! It is costing us nearly £200 billion every year. That’s a lot of dosh🤡

It is also facing the wrong way. It is an ill health service. You have to get ill before you can use it and increasingly you have to get very ill before you can get to the front of the queue for treatment.

The LLLP will refocus the UK population on healthy living. Everyone will be given a free FITBIT that will monitor how far they walk each day and how many calories they consume. The FITBIT RATIO will be transmitted to your GP who will call you in, if you fall below the NATIONAL FIT STANDARD.

Fast food restaurants will soon go out of business. On the other hand or foot, sportsware shops will flourish.

The LLLP Wellness Service will be full of fun and enjoyment, not based on trepidation and apprehension. There will be rewards and free gifts for healthy achievements. Like free football tickets, or theatre trips, or tickets to a Taylor Swift concert. That must be why Prime Minister Gifted Stammer is so fit and healthy. He is truly a model for the Nation🤡🤡

GP’s will in future be called Health Advice Consultants and of course as consultants, HAC’s will be immediately be given a 25% pay rise. HAC’s prescriptions will be focussed not on drugs, but on healthy lifestyles. Sick leave will be renamed “health breaks”and people who are overweight will be given paid time off work to play football or to go walking around the shops to improve their FITBIT RATIO.

The LLLP also recommends that all working people cycle to work to improve their health. They will be given extra time off to do this or be given paid “travel time”. So that this is not unfair to the majority of people who are “working from home”, they will be provided with the vast unused stock of “Boris bikes” which they can ride around the outside of their house, just like Captain Tom. Look how healthy he was !

Any money raised through sponsorship for your walking or cycling should be donated to the NHS to provide care for those who are genuinely ill. If everyone does half as good as Captain Tom, the money raised will be £billions for the NHS !

A HEALTHY NATION & CHARITABLE SUPPORT FOR ILLNESS.

Now let’s turn our attention to CLIMATE CHANGE which is on everybodies mind these days, especially the new Minister for Energy – Miserable Ed Moribund. A man who is never happy unless he is making everyone else miserable.

Starting with banning new oil leases and making lots of oil workers in Scotland redundant. Then he wants to go on to build windmills everywhere and spoil people’s views. Finally he plans to close all remaining power stations.

Next we all have to have electric cars, which cost a fortune and don’t go far. Although he has no credible plans for a supporting infrastructure.

Then, because he is so certain it is going to get hotter soon, he enthusiastically supported scrapping Winter Fuel Payments for older people. It’s a mystery as to why he is in such a hurry to insulate all our houses against the cold, if it is going to be hotter very soon.

Ed has recruited the teenager Greta Thingamebob as a key adviser to explain why we need to put on seven layers of clothes in the winter, and six layers of sunscreen in the summer.

This is a short sighted visionary leader, who blindly expects the world to follow his lead.

Just one problem ——— they are not likely to.

Maybe we should offer Miserable Ed to China to EDucate them🤡

NO MUDDLE HERE !

Still trying to solve some of the UK’s great missions as sketchily outlined by our new gifted leader – Sir Keir Stammer; it’s time to turn our attention to ENERGY AND CRIME. How to get more energy and less crime?

The link between crime and punishment seems to have been broken in recent years, as more and more crimes go unreported; or are unsolved; or offenders are given non-custodial sentences. Even when persistent offenders are finally incarcerated, they have to be released early due to overcrowded prisons. The system just isn’t working.

The Last Laugh Looney Party once again has a radical solution🤡Treadmills 🤡

Make prisons a place you don’t want to return to. No TV’s, no telephones, no drugs, no shortened sentences. Just tough restitution. Twelve hour shifts on the treadmill for all able bodied prisoners will generate a lot of power for the National Grid. What’s more it will double the capacity of our prisons, if a new hot bedding policy is implemented, in which each cell is to be used by two prisoners.

This means there will be no need for new prisons to be built, saving millions of pounds. Another positive spin off is that prisoners will be far too tired to take drugs. Finally, reoffending rates are expected to plummet as few will want to return to this harsh regime.

As the demand for more energy increases we may in future need to introduce longer sentences to give prisoners more time on the treadmills. Indeed as the gifted Mr Stammer closes the last of our gas fired power stations it is estimated there will need to be another 10,000 prisoners for each station closed.

The gifted Mr Stammer with his extensive legal experience has a an answer for that— more types of offence🤡

• Exceeding the new national 20 miles per hour speed limit in built up areas, which could be almost anywhere when they have built 1,500 new houses in the next 5 years.
• No Smoking inside pubs, outside pubs and within 5 miles of a pub. Or a restaurant, or a coffee bar, or any where you can eat something.
• No Working in the office more than once a year. Or if you are a civil servant even going into the office at all, except for parties at Christmas.
• Misgendering anybody by referring to him as her; or she as he; or them as it; or any pronoun as another pronoun.

The gifted Mr Stammer will undoubtedly lead us into this brave new world and get us out of the muddle we are in —————————- or he won’t.

This post takes forward the all new open door policy on IMMIGRATION.

At the same time it deals with the long standing vexed question of Scottish independence, which has been a thorn in the side of British politics for too long. The SNP’s succession of leaders – Alex the fish; righteous Nickola ; bearded Hamza all left under a cloud and finally we have Jock McSwinny who is still there the last time anyone looked.

People in Scotland have felt neglected by the Government in London. Now thanks to the Last Laugh Looney Party’s great ideas they are about to step on to a global stage.

WILD SCOTLAND will be the world’s biggest national park, a global tourist destination to rival Disney and the safari parks of Kenya and South Africa. It will encompass the whole land north of Hadrians Wall and include all the islands.

It will be an amazing opportunity to reintroduce bears and wolves everywhere. Penguins, seals and walruses on all the islands. And maybe even a DNA engineered Loch Ness monster🤡

Oh ! And one other thing. Scotland is currently the least densely populated nation in the UK, with only 5.3 million people, which is less than 70 people per square kilometre.

That’s where IMMIGRATION comes in. The 2 million refugees arriving in the UK each year can all be located in underpopulated Scotland, which means there will be 25 million living in Scotland within 10 years🤡

This is a Last Laugh Looney Party attempt to resolve some of the big issues in these New Muddled Ages. Based on the idea that desperate times need desperate measures.

We certainly don’t want a war to force us to face up to reality, but neither do we need a revolution. Our politicians have failed us so far, so maybe the LLLP introduce some fresh thoughts based on previous ideas that have fallen on deaf ears.

A critical precursor to the LLLP proposals is that the Government be put on a war-time footing to enable actions to be expedited without delay. This should clear obstructive lawyers and civil service to one side.

Let’s start with IMMIGRATION. Attempts to turn back the tide have been as effective as King Canute. So why not swim with the incoming tide and welcome all immigrants. With conditions.

• A visa fee of £5,000 payable on arrival in the UK. That will immediately stop the rubber boats crossing the channel.
• Followed by a £100,000 CLAP – Citizen Loan Apprenticeship Plan, which they must pay back within 10 years; either in vouchers, or in working for the Government. Similar to the student loan scheme, it can pay toward their new lifestyle in the UK, by covering their rental and healthcare costs. The vouchers cannot be spent on anything else.
• In return they will get accommodation and free health care.
• They will have to use the vouchers to pay for their accommodation, which will be in tents, or caravans, or cheap hotels, or b&b’s, or even 5 star hotels. Whatever they can afford.
• Those requiring health care immediately must pay cash up front or they will be sent to Rwanda’s excellent hospitals. For all other health care they must join the back of the NHS queue.
• On arrival in the UK their skills will be assessed by the new ASS – Apprentice Skills Secretary – Smiling Nigel. He will greet them with a pint of beer and fish & chip meal and a packet of jammy dodgers; to get them into the English culture.
• They will then be placed in a Government priority job, such as fruit picking for victory; or trench digging for the new green electricity grid; or planting wild flowers to create habitats for great crested newts and pine martins and house martins and every other kind of martins.

With this new open door policy the population of the UK is expected to increase by 2,000,000 a year. Or maybe even more!

The next post will look at where they might work and where they can be located.

Our politicians can huff and puff, all they like, but they are never going to sort out the problems around the world, when they can’t resolve the problems in our own country. Indeed they don’t know the boundaries of our country. Is it just England, or does it include Wales and Scotland. And as for Northern Ireland, who knows? Oh and do we have borders anyway? Quite a political conundrum.

Now we have that sorted out 🤡 let’s look at the pressing issues that need to be solved at home:-

• INFLATION – supposedly down to 2%, but it doesn’t feel like it – product sizes shrinking; special offers fiddling; cash disappearing and breaking the link with reality.
• ENERGY – closely tied to rising costs and the knee- jerk response to climate change. We have shut down our coal mines; plan to outlaw gas boilers and frown on nuclear power. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot ☹️
• WATER – privatise the water companies give money to foreign shareholders and pollute the rivers and the sea. What a good idea that was !
• CRIME – what’s a crime these days? Stealing from shops doesn’t seem to be. Taking drugs is now recreation. Scams abound around every corner. Trust is yesterday’s way of life, now it is for the unsuspecting next victim.
• IMMIGRATION – used to be a welcoming harbour for the refugees of war and famine; now it is a white cliff to be scaled by anyone wanting a new life. Rubber boats and a £7,000 bounty are the rights of passage.
• CLIMATE CHANGE – a world of misinformation and uncertainty. A signpost for “ Just stopping oil”; or closing coal mines; or turning off the gas tap. Or the complete opposite if you live in China.
• NHS WAITING LISTS – growing ever- longer requiring more and more money for less and less of a health service. Free, if you can ever reach the end of the queue.
• HOUSING – not enough; too expensive; out of reach of young people; under-occupied by older people; under insulated; over clad with high risk material; empty second homes; nowhere near enough new homes being built. A catalogue of neglect !

There is more, but that’s more than enough to be going on with 🤡

In the past a Great Depression or a war would galvanise a nation into action on this scale of problems, but far better if we have a quiet revolution.