GrumbleSmiles

The next three issues that weigh heavily on people’s minds are all closely related and reflect a major change in the culture of our society in recent years. SAFTY in your home and your community is the prime responsibility of any Government and quite obviously successively over the last decade our politicians and the judicial system have lost control of this issue. Large areas a of public life have changed beyond all recognition. Dixon of Dock Green has long since retired and been replaced by flack-jacketed coppers in flash cars issuing crime numbers instead of catching criminals.

CRIME. The definition of a crime in the eyes of the police seems to have changed; though not in the minds of the public. Theft is seldom followed up and shoplifting is accepted as an every-day inconvenience. Drug taking is a recreational pastime even though it is illegal. Be careful not to go too fast in your car however, or speed cameras will snap you and wanna-be PC Louis Hamiltons will be on your tail. Fare dodjing is another fun game that will save you outrageous travel costs. Blocking motorways is also a happy way of spending the day, just say you are “ saving the world”.

Using AI, cameras everywhere and facial recognition the LAST LAUGH LOONEY PARTY will track and trace all these criminals and with the assistance of PC Robo Dixons on every street corner, they will feel the minor criminals collars, fine them on the spot and bang them up if necessary.

🤡Uman rights lawyers will be most upset!🤡

JUSTICE. The clogged up judicial system will be speeded up now that minor crimes are expeditiously settled by all seeing Robo Cops on every street. The courts will only be used for more serious crimes like hate speech or miss gendering or flag waving demonstrations. Jury’s won’t be required as the all- knowing ROBO JUDGE will be able to quickly assess all-seeing camera evidence and dispense ROBO JUSTICE. Conviction rates will reach an all time high as robots are never wrong🤡

🤡In no time at all offending will fall🤡

PRISONS. Of course initially there will be a lot more convictions. ROBO PROBATION OFFICERS have an answer for that, home detention and – ROBO CORRECTIVE TAGS. Thanks to the genius of Elon Must, nurolink chips can be inserted in the heads of offenders and programmed with the required corrective behaviours. Small electric shocks will be administered for any steps taken outside your home during your sentence.

I am sure we will all feel much safer in this Robo controlled world.

🤡Won’t we?🤡

Big strides were taken in the first 100 days of the new Last Laugh Looney Government. Now it’s time to move forward with the remaining pressing issues.

SOCIAL CARE. This is an issue that has been prevaricated on for years by all political parties, because nobody wants to face up to the colossal cost or to offend elderly voters by telling them the truth. The brutal reality is that most people have not saved enough for a long retirement, especially if it involves a period of supportive care. The good news is that for many home owners their property has accumulated in value significantly in their lifetime and is an asset which could cover the cost of care. The LLLP will unlock these assets by offering reverse mortgages, that enable the elderly to release money from their houses to pay for care. They will also set up a compulsory social care insurance scheme for people under retirement age. This means inherited wealth will be reduced, but on the positive side it will create many more jobs in the care industry.

INFLATION. Calculations of this are always wrong when you look back on them. All these highly paid economists with no understanding of what is going on in the street. I am surprised that they think they can calculate it to1 decimal point and that anyone puts any store by it. The average man/ woman on the street are only too well aware of the rising price of everything. The Last Laugh Looney Party will immediately introduce a price freeze on all goods and services for two years.

🤡 SIMPLES 🤡

Economy sorted🤡 in the next post we will turn to crime😎

The Last Laugh Looney Party’s first proposals in Government have been quite radical, even if they might seem like common sense to the man/ woman in the street. So before they are enacted the LLLP has a uniquely different approach.

“GAZZA’s PENALTY SHOOT OUT”. This is an all new Saturday night prime time TV show hosted by Gary Lineker in the hour before Match of the Day. Gary has generously agreed to compare the show for only £1,000,000.

In the simplest of terms Gary will explain the issues that have been discussed in Parliament in the previous week. No action replays, no VAR, no bookings. The viewing audience will then be asked “ do you still want to go ahead and change the law on each issue discussed that week?.” YES/ NO.

In the first half of the programme the viewers can submit amendments to the proposals, e.g.

• IMMIGRATION – immigrants with £1,000,000 can be allowed.🤡
• NHS WAITING LISTS – newly qualified doctors and nurses are welcome provided they can speak English or Welsh and promise not to go on strike for a year.
• CLIMATE CHANGE – fracking will be allowed in all Constituencies that vote either Labour/ Conservative/ Liberal Democrat.

Amendments will be voted on before the final vote takes place. It will be a fast moving, all action show, although there will be no action replays or extra time.

To be eligible to vote you must be over 12 and have lived in the country for at least a day or two.

If over 50% of registered voters say YES, the proposal must be enacted within a week. If majority vote NO then the issue cannot be revisited for a year.

This is carefully designed by the LLLP to ensure the electorate knows what it is doing🤡 and in any case it can’t be worse than the current system.

Let’s look at the prospect of the Last Laugh Looney Party getting into power at the next General Election, with the help of Chat GPT and AI and all its Robo MP’s.

First of all it will be a big shock to the established system of Government. But also they will also have to face up to the reality of the situation previous Governments have left behind. There will be no extra money, just a huge pile of debt. “Britain is broken” will be the backdrop to almost every situation. There will be mountains to climb in every direction.

Here are some of the mountains :-

• IMMIGRATION both illegal and legal
• NHS WAITING LISTS still growing
• CLIMATE CHANGE
• SOCIAL CARE neglected and underfunded
• INFLATION ever rising
• CRIME ever present on our streets
• JUSTICE SYSTEM all clogged up
• PRISONS full and brimming over
• UKRAINE
• GAZA & ISRAEL

That’s probably enough to be going on with! So what will be the peoples answers ?

IMMIGRATION. Cancel the £750 million we have been giving the French police for looking on and doing nothing. Accept the small boats will keep coming for a while and when they get to the UK, immediately put them on military landing craft and send them back to Calais. Take no notice of protesting lawyers , who can accompany them on the craft if they wish🤡. For immigrants already here and accommodated in hotels, move them to tented camps on an uninhabited island in Scotland until their application is resolved. Alternatively they can get on a landing craft and go back to France and live in a tent there, where the climate is better🤡

No doubt the French won’t be too happy about this, but c’est la vie.

NHS WAITING LISTS. With no more money from the Government this is a tricky one. The reality is that for many people who can afford it, they are already forced to go private. So let’s just accept that and encourage more people to do it by making private health care insurance tax free. That has already happened by default for dental care.

This at least one way of getting more money into health care without it coming from the public purse.

CLIMATE CHANGE. Learn from the Donald and pretend it doesn’t exist or at least accept the UK is too small to do anything about it. Then “drill baby drill”. Ditch the push for electric cars and heat pumps. Send Ed Elasticband to China to preach to them about climate change.

When the seas start rising TAKE TO THE HILLS🤡

THAT‘S ENOUGH FOR THE LLLP’S FIRST HUNDRED DAYS🤡

With the help of Chat GPT and AI the Last Laugh Looney Party has shown how to all but eliminate the need for half a million people “not working from home” in the Civil Service.

Now it’s the turn of the MP’s. At the next General Election the LLLP will dispense with human candidates and instead be represented by robots, who will be named after their constituency :- Robo Rugby; Robo Daventry; Robo Milton Keynes; etc.

All LLLP Robo MP’s will be bound by a code of Robo ethics :-

• Not to work from home
• Not to just repeat standard meaningless phrases
• Not to accept any freebe concert or sports event tickets
• Not to spend hours drinking in the bars of the House of Commons
• Not to accept donations from Trade Unions or millionaires
• Not to go on frequent free trips abroad
• Not to accept free clothes
• Not to claim any expenses
• Not to travel first class or in chauffeur driven cars

What the LLLP Robo MP’s will do :-

• Vote on what was said in the LLLP manifesto
• Regularly canvas the views of their constituents
• Vote on what their constituents say

THE WILL OF THE PEOPLE Will PREVAIL ON ALL ISSUES.

Having Tackled the bigger Departments, it is time to examine the smaller Ministeries. They have lower profiles and their role is lost in acronyms, but they can still waste a lot of money.

The DCMS – the Department of Culture, Media and Sport. A mere 2,750 staff (How do they cope?) Their main job seems to be giving Ministers freebe tickets to concerts and sports events and reigning in the excesses of the BBC. Since the first is not needed and the second is an abject failure, maybe it’s time to shut down the DCMS altogether. Another elephant bite in the Civil Service behind🐘🐘🐘🐘🐘🐘🐘🤡

How about the mysteriously named DLUHC – Department for Levelling Up, Housing and Communities. Nobody quite knows what it does, but it has over 10,000 staff not doing it. If they closed tomorrow nobody would notice, so there is another saving 🐘🐘🐘🐘🐘🐘🐘🐘🤡

Or how about the curiously named, DESNZ – ( goodness knows why we should have a whole department dedicated to New Zealand) – actually it’s the Department of Energy Security and Net Zero. Ed Elasticband is the Minister in charge and he has been busy closing down drilling for oil; shutting down power stations and erecting windmills everywhere, because he says energy will be a lot cheaper by 2050. As long as we buy an electric car NOW. There is probably 3,500 staff there that can be saved, although Ed is a bit fuzzy on numbers. If we “drill baby drill” and forget Net Zero for a while that would be another significant saving 🐘🐘🐘🐘🐘🐘🐘🐘🐘🤡

With the help of AI the Last Laugh Looney Party has shown how the bloated Civil Service can be dramatically slimmed down, while at the same time improving productivity. It just needs one big data base in the sky.

Of course the staff no longer required would normally be entitled to considerable redundancy costs, but the LLLP has a plan for that. Instead of being dismissed, staff will be granted extra unpaid holidays until they reach retirement age. A bit like “working from home” without the work or the pay🤡

My last two posts have begun to give me some ideas about how to revolutionise how Government works, or more to the point doesn’t work!

I have started with the overblown and inefficient Civil Service and with the help of AI I seem to have solved the problem of striking NHS staff🐘 I have also dispensed with teachers in schools; so the Department of Education is no longer required🐘🐘

The 🐘 icon is a reminder of how you eat an elephant- one bite at a time.

So what’s next?

Let’s start with the Civil Service headcount. In 2025 there were 549,150 civil servants. The civil service has grown 33% since 2016, largely driven by Brexit and Covid.

Since Brexit and Covid are long gone the Last Laugh Looney Party would propose a simple and immediate one third reduction. Using a sophisticated HR strategy called – Enie, meanie, mineie, GO. That should cut 180,000 unproductive jobs straight away🐘🐘🐘🤡

Next the biggest is the Department of Work and Pensions with 93,800 staff- opps sorry – 62,263 until a few minutes ago. Since work is increasingly a thing of the past the LLLP would suggest shutting down half the Department straight away. Since their work was all about form filling and simple maths calculations, it can be better done using AI. Of course we have to look after our pensioners, so we definitely need all the pension related workers — at least for now🐘🐘🐘🐘🤡

Second in headcount is the Ministry of Justice with 69,655 staff, probably “working” from home. That must be why the courts are all clogged up; we are letting out criminals very early and we are not bothering to convict shoplifters, burglars, drug-takers and rapists. On the rare occasions when the police catch them. So the LLLP suggests we get rid of all of them 🐘🐘🐘🐘🐘🤡. The civil servants can be replaced with greater use of facial recognition cameras; Chat GPT automatic email and social media monitoring and “INSTANT FINES FOR MINOR CRIMES”. Trials of more serious crimes can be shown on YouTube and verdicts voted on by anyone over 16. Convicting offenders could become a popular pastime.

Third in line is the HM Revenue and Customs with 69,655 staff. They all just seem to be letting more people in and collecting more and more taxes. The LLLP proposes we put them all on a boat and send them to France 🐘🐘🐘🐘🐘🐘🤡 The civil servants that is. In future all people entering the UK will be tracked and traced using the much vaunted, near infallible Covid track and trace system and then deported if they step out of line.

ENOUGH AXE WEALDING FOR TODAY. THAT HAS BLOWN AWAY OVER HALF THE CIVIL SERVICE.

MORE IN THE NEXT POST🤡