GrumbleSmiles

LLLP Speedy Defence🤡

Posted on June 4, 2025 by john graham

Sir Keyer Stammer has this week announced his UK long term defence plan. It is indeed very long term because the funding is not available until 2034 or even later. Presumably wars break out slowly these days🤡

We are going to have more 12 submarines and 6 more ammunition factories and more troops and more houses and 6 more missiles and thousands more drones. More of just about everything if we can find the money. As you would expect, this stuff costs a bomb!

Sadly we may have to have less and less of everything else☹️

Wars won’t wait for Stammer to figure it out, because Rachael Rivet is still trying to find some bit coins to pay for it all.

The Last Laugh Looney Party has a different speedier, cheaper solution.

Toys-R-Us and Pizza Hut and Deliveroo. Between them they are the best at getting things done quickly. So they will order 200,000 toy drones capable of carrying a small box; then order 200,000 exploding pizzas on same day delivery and send them to all the Russian troops in Ukraine. Private enterprise at its best.

This military expansion will be reinforced with a newly created Dads Army Home Guard, who will line the beaches of Britain to deter any Russian invasion. They will only be armed with walking sticks, but they will be very very grumpy.

This will all be done at no cost to the public purse. The LLLP plan to take out a pay day loan with Wonga at an interest rate of only 99 % and charge it to President Tramp🤡. We will just call it the Chagos Island surcharge.

Tagged "LLLP" | 1 Comment

LLLP WAITING LISTS🤡

Posted on June 1, 2025 by john graham

NHS waiting lists growing longer and longer has bedevilled politicians ever since the Covid years. The Conservatives couldn’t shake it off and now the Labour government is dogged with it. It seems like everything they try is doomed to fail. The Conservatives outsourced a host of services to the private sector, but that only increased demand.

Junior Doctors strikes then made the problems worse. The waiting lists grew to 7,000,000 plus! The Labour government then gave them a bung- a zillion% pay rise. They went back to work but it made little difference. The Labour party’s ratings in opinion polls continued to nose dive.

Time for something different.

The Last Laugh Looney Party had a radical solution to get the NHS waiting list down in a day! Walk-in centres.

No need for an appointment just go to your nearest new NHS facility based in an empty shop on your empty high street. There you will be able to see one of the richly rewarded Junior Doctors or maybe a Junior Doctors Assistant. The Assistants must have completed at least a weeks training on how to put on a white coat. They will be able to give you an aspirin, which should help your condition and will constitute the completion of your medical consultation. Waiting lists growing longer will fall overnight!

If by any chance the aspirin doesn’t work for your condition, you can begin the process all over again. You can make another appointment with your GP. It currently only takes about 6 weeks to see you GP and they can refer you to an NHS consultant. Appointments with consultants take less than 6 months to arrange, if you are classed as an emergency. It’s 12 months if you are not.

Of course if these delays frustrate you, you can always go to one of the newly created Walk-in Centres🤡

Tagged "LLLP", NHS | 2 Comments

LLLP Prison overcrowding.

Posted on May 28, 2025 by john graham

Sir Keyer Stammer has been fretting about our prisons being so full up. As a lawyer and former Director of Public Prosecutions, Sir “Lock em up” Keyer, wants to free up prison places by freeing more prisoners, so he can lock more people up.

His Justice Secretary- Shabarba Badmood- has come up with a raft of new ideas aimed a creating spaces in prisions:- let ‘em out earlier; let ‘em out even earlier; don’t put ‘em in in the first place; more tagging; suspended sentences; deferred sentences; community sentences and if none of that works —- castration!

Even the Looney Party thinks that’s a bit harsh😈

The Last Laugh Looney Party has another simple solution to the seemingly intractable problem of overcrowding in our prisons.

BUNK BEDS🤡

Overnight we can double the number of prison places and lock em all up.

A bulk order for 90,000 flat pack bunk beds has been placed with IKEA, at the knock down price of £10,000 per bunk. so that’s just £900 million to double the prison capacity almost overnight🤡

Tagged "LLLP" | 2 Comments

LLLP Small Boats

Posted on May 25, 2025 by john graham

The D Day anniversary channel crossing of small boats to commemorate the evacuation of Dunkirk, gave the Last Laugh Looney Party an idea. A simple solution to illegal channel crossings 🤡

Round up all the illegal immigrants arriving on our shores in small boats before they land in the UK and tow them back to the beaches in France. A sort of re-enactment of the D Day landings🤡 After all the French could hardly claim to be a hostile country, because that is where they came from in the first place. Besides we would make no charge for the return journey 🤡

We could also cancel the £500 million we are paying the totally ineffectual French police for letting the illegal immigrants get on the boats. The money saved could be used to help UK citizens get faster treatment in the NHS.

THIS IS THE FIRST OF MANY MORE LLLP SIMPLE SOLUTIONS to follow🤡

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Troubles a Plenty☹️

Posted on May 18, 2025 by john graham

Ukraine over and over again and then the rain in Spain.

And the countrywide power failure☹️

Then there is Gaza ever worsening devastation.

India and Pakistan facing up with nuclear missiles☹️☹️☹️

And President Tramp stirring the pot with tariffs.

Not to mention global warming or is it warning.

At home there are more taxes looming and benefits cutting.

Sowing division and derision.

Politicians with no purpose other than survival.

And increased crime and decreased punishment.

And boats crossing Channels and immigrant full hotels.

And ever lengthening NHS waiting lists.

And …. And…. And….. And…. And….

What a world we are living in?

Still you can stride out on a sunny day and

For a moment make it all go away🤡

Posted in SMILES | 3 Comments

It’s a Gas🤡

Posted on May 7, 2025 by john graham

Got a letter today from our calor gas supplier saying that they are going paperless. No doubt saving half the Amazon rain forest. When we next receive a tank refill the delivery man will no longer put a delivery note through the letter box. It will also lead to efficiency savings which will probably count towards the £300 saving by 2030, that Ed Elasticband promised everyone.

If we still want a delivery notification, all we need to do is send them an email address so they can do it online. Simple.

Just three easy steps :-

Send them your account number which is on your statement, although it it is not on the letter they sent you😈 So I go look for a statement. It’s 14 digits long with a lot of zeros and it is different to the last statement? Still I gave it a try.
Next add the delivery point, which might be called the customer address and it is on the letter they sent or the last delivery note. Are we clear? It is only 8 digits and no zeros.
Finally add your email address.

I did all that and the form would not “submit”. Evidently I had got my account numbers mixed up; or my delivery point should have been my delivery address; or maybe I had put in too many zeros.

But I wasn’t going to submit either! This calor gas improvement in customer service wasn’t going to beat me. I had a few more goes, juggled with the combinations of delivery notes, addresses, customer numbers and assorted zeros. Eventually, like a Chinese hacker, I managed to break through. I might have a go at breaking into the Bank of England next. Only kidding🤡

As Mick Jagger would say — “ It’s all right now, in fact it’s a gas”

Posted in SMILES | Tagged "Technology Gap" | 3 Comments

Breaking Walls Down🤡

Posted on May 4, 2025 by john graham

After the spectacular Local Election results expected by Friday the Willies are JUBILANT 🤡 A collection of odd balls elected everywhere. Hot off the press — Ed Elasticband has defected to the Willies, now that Keyer Stammer has decided he wanted to drill, baby drill after all.

In Parliament their ramshackle group of disaffected MP’s have everything to argue about, before they can reform any new policies. Some of them on the left want to spend, spend, spend; while others on the right want to cut, cut ,cut. They all agree they should break down the red walls and blue walls and any other colour walls.

Jeremy Corbit suggested nationalising Walls and Ed agreed it would be a cool thing to do. So Walls Ice Cream was the first firm to be taken over by the State. To satisfy the right of the party it was decided to denationalise the NHS to get rid of all the waiting lists. It will be handed over to the pharmaceutical companies and pills will be the answer to all ills.

The Irish MP’s have never been keen on boarders and offered to blow up all the walls still standing between Northern Ireland and the Republic—- they have had plenty of practice in the past. The Scots Nats said they might as well blow up Hadrians Wall while they are at it, if they are not going to be allowed to be independent.

Prime Mister elect Sir Niggle Smiley suggested scrapping the Royal Mint since nobody uses coins anymore. Next he thinks Banks could be shut down completely after they debanked him, he says it’s only fair that he debanks them.

Finally Sir Ed Gravey, the Lib Dem’s resident clown is proposing to jump off the top of the Blackpool Tower into a bowl of Walls ice cream.

So this is what the Trumpian world will look like in future🤡🤡

Posted in SMILES | Tagged "LLLP", NHS | 1 Comment

LLLP Coalition of the Willies.

Posted on April 30, 2025 by john graham

In anticipation of a landslide of disaffected voters turning up at the local elections and not knowing who on earth to vote for, the Last Laugh Looney Party has come up with an unlikely coalition of odd balls. MP’s who have realised that even after they have somehow been successfully elected, they still can’t change anything. But they do enjoy the perks and self-importance of being in Parliament.

Protesters about anything and everything. Rebels with and without a cause.

The outcasts are:-

Jeremy Corbit ousted from the Labour Party.
Rosie Plumduff sent to Coventry for her views on women.
All SNP’s who are leaderless and rudderless.
All the Irish MP’s both sitting and not sitting.
The Welsh Nationalists lost in a language not a song.
The lonely Green.
The Conservatives out of favour – too right or too left.
The Reform Party who need reforming even before they’ve started to reform.

It will definitely be worth joining the LLLP Coalition because that way they can continue to claim expenses and join committees and go on fact finding missions to Bali or the Maldives. 🤡 They can champion the poor without having to change anything. 🤡They can butter up the rich in the hope of a job when they cease to be an MP. 🤡

THEY ARE ALL TRAMPERS NOW🤡

Posted in SMILES | Tagged "LLLP" | 3 Comments

Looney P.O.O.P

Posted on April 27, 2025 by john graham

As the May local elections loom the Last Laugh Looney Party may have come up with an election winner.

They have been digging deep into potholes, as this may be the key to election success. Surely potholes can’t be too difficult to fix?

The current way of doing things is dreadfully slow :- inspect the hole first — draw a white circle around it —- leave it a few days —- send six men to put cones around it —- put up some traffic lights —- break for tea —- make the pothole bigger —- more tea —- fill in the enlarged hole with tarmac – more cones – final cup of tea— take down traffic lights — move on to next hole.

Daventry District Council has millions of potholes to fill in, the process could take years !

We need a radical new way. A LOONEY fix🤡

The Last Laugh Looney Party looked to dentists for a solution, after all they probably do a lot more fillings than Daventry District Council.

How about if the LLLP had a fleet of toothpaste tube shaped lorries robotically controlled to travel the roads of Daventry District at night, pausing at every pothole and filling it in with rapid hardening cement and a special dash of Fixodent. One quick squirt and holes of all shapes and sizes can be filled in a few seconds. Leaving the tube to move quickly to the next pothole. It’s a game changer🤡 All sponsored by Colgate.

This could be replicated in other District Councils, sponsored by other leading toothpaste brands.

It will be called the “POTHOLE ORIGINAL OMNIFIX PROJECT”.

The cost of road repairs has been estimated to be £16.8 billion. The LLLP POOP solution would dramatically reduce this and radically speed up the process.

It could provide a road sweeping victory for the LLLP across the country.

Posted in SMILES | Tagged "LLLP" | 1 Comment

May Elections?

Posted on April 23, 2025 by john graham

What shall I do in May? Who shall I cast my precious vote for?

How can I in some small way change the world? Or at the very least change some small part of it?

I have been following President Tramp’s every twist and turn for the last few weeks,but I doubt he knows I even exist. So my vote won’t end the war in Ukraine, nor stop the fighting in Gaza. I even doubt if it will have much impact on the world economy.

Perhaps I should turn my attention to Mr Stammer who keeps saying he has been very clear, but I haven’t heard him mention Kilsby once! Maybe the pile of bins in Birmingham have put him off mentioning anything local.

So I should set my sights even lower. What can I do to influence Daventry District Council? They have been Conservative for the last two decades and their greatest achievement as part of Northamptonshire County Council has been to go nearly bankrupt!

Not a good track record for our local politicians.

The Liberal Democrat’s are the only ones so far, to have canvassed me by pushing a leaflet through my door. Sadly it’s full of platitudes and empty promises.

I am probably better sticking to potholes🤡

Posted in SMILES | 1 Comment