GrumbleSmiles

The doubling of the prison capacity by Shababa Badmood has been very successful. After a fashion🤡

Community sentences have provided an army of reluctant road workers to fill in potholes.

But, there is a logistics problem. In some parts of the country there are too many potholes and not enough criminals to fill them in.😈

So the ever cleaver Minister Badmood has come up with a new novel idea. Shoplifting Week.

For years the police have given up on arresting people for taking a few things from shops without paying. So now Shababa is going to have Shoplifting Weeks in areas where there are to many unfilled potholes. Like Blackburn, which has 10,000 holes.

The local police will still not arrest the perpetrators, but the BBC will have cameras everywhere to record the stealings. This will provide material for their next hit show “ I’m a shoplifter, lock me up”.

The viewing audience will have facial recognition hand sets and can phone in their findings. The first viewer to recognise a shoplifter and name him or her will receive a £50 voucher from the shopkeeper.

The local Bobby can then go and arrest the shoplifter, armed with the video evidence. 24/7 judges can then immediately convict them and start them filling in potholes without delay🤡

ANOTHER GREAT WIN FOR SIR KEYER AND HIS MAGIC MINISTERS!

Fresh from her success in creating a lot more prison places with her innovative bunk bed idea, Shababa Badmood has turned her attention to the huge number of people on remand awaiting trial. What we need is much swifter justice.

Shababa has been impressed with the speed of TV telephone voting for quizzes and celebrity shows. So she has decided to personally host a new show called “ I’m a remand prisoner, get me out of here”.

On day time TV, the viewers can watch a brief trial, interrupted only by a few adverts for security systems and locksmiths. The prosecution case is put first by either the victim or the police. The accused can then explain why they should not be found guilty. There are no lawyers involved anywhere in this process, except of course for the judge who will decide the sentence.

Then at the end of the programme, the viewers can phone in their verdict. If the contestants are found to be innocent, they are immediately free to go. If convicted the prisoner goes straight back to jail.

Sir Keyer Stammer has this week announced his UK long term defence plan. It is indeed very long term because the funding is not available until 2034 or even later. Presumably wars break out slowly these days🤡

We are going to have more 12 submarines and 6 more ammunition factories and more troops and more houses and 6 more missiles and thousands more drones. More of just about everything if we can find the money. As you would expect, this stuff costs a bomb!

Sadly we may have to have less and less of everything else☹️

Wars won’t wait for Stammer to figure it out, because Rachael Rivet is still trying to find some bit coins to pay for it all.

The Last Laugh Looney Party has a different speedier, cheaper solution.

Toys-R-Us and Pizza Hut and Deliveroo. Between them they are the best at getting things done quickly. So they will order 200,000 toy drones capable of carrying a small box; then order 200,000 exploding pizzas on same day delivery and send them to all the Russian troops in Ukraine. Private enterprise at its best.

This military expansion will be reinforced with a newly created Dads Army Home Guard, who will line the beaches of Britain to deter any Russian invasion. They will only be armed with walking sticks, but they will be very very grumpy.

This will all be done at no cost to the public purse. The LLLP plan to take out a pay day loan with Wonga at an interest rate of only 99 % and charge it to President Tramp🤡. We will just call it the Chagos Island surcharge.

Sir Keyer Stammer has been fretting about our prisons being so full up. As a lawyer and former Director of Public Prosecutions, Sir “Lock em up” Keyer, wants to free up prison places by freeing more prisoners, so he can lock more people up.

His Justice Secretary- Shabarba Badmood- has come up with a raft of new ideas aimed a creating spaces in prisions:- let ‘em out earlier; let ‘em out even earlier; don’t put ‘em in in the first place; more tagging; suspended sentences; deferred sentences; community sentences and if none of that works —- castration!

Even the Looney Party thinks that’s a bit harsh😈

The Last Laugh Looney Party has another simple solution to the seemingly intractable problem of overcrowding in our prisons.

BUNK BEDS🤡

Overnight we can double the number of prison places and lock em all up.

A bulk order for 90,000 flat pack bunk beds has been placed with IKEA, at the knock down price of £10,000 per bunk. so that’s just £900 million to double the prison capacity almost overnight🤡

The D Day anniversary channel crossing of small boats to commemorate the evacuation of Dunkirk, gave the Last Laugh Looney Party an idea. A simple solution to illegal channel crossings 🤡

Round up all the illegal immigrants arriving on our shores in small boats before they land in the UK and tow them back to the beaches in France. A sort of re-enactment of the D Day landings🤡 After all the French could hardly claim to be a hostile country, because that is where they came from in the first place. Besides we would make no charge for the return journey 🤡

We could also cancel the £500 million we are paying the totally ineffectual French police for letting the illegal immigrants get on the boats. The money saved could be used to help UK citizens get faster treatment in the NHS.

THIS IS THE FIRST OF MANY MORE LLLP SIMPLE SOLUTIONS to follow🤡