Washing Day

Posted on November 12, 2023 by john graham

The day came for Bodj’s first broadcast to the Nation about his and Riski’s great rubbish idea. It was still early days and there hadn’t been a lot of progress yet, but Bodj wasn’t daunted, by all the criticism the idea had received.

The Royal Society for the Protection of Birds was most upset about the loss of the mudflats and nesting sites, particularly for the lesser spotted herons. Newts and otters and water vowels also had protesting societies winding up there campaigns. Bodj declared this was all just piffle and the rubbish would be a good source of food for the wild life. Although he was a bit worried that Carrie was up all night making protest placards in their lounge.

Still just before Strictly on prime time TV, Bodj began his comeback speech. No mention of the nesting birds, he began with the wonders of rubbish and how it could transform the finances of of a levelled up Britain. The most imaginative use of drone technology and a massive saving on the UK’s carbon footprint.

The first bags of rubbish had already been dropped and thousands more would follow every night from now on. Bodj expected a small foothill in the Wash by Christmas. Thereafter, an ever-growing mountain which should reach 4,000 feet high by 2027 and be higher than Ben Nevis shortly after. Bodj already had Mont Blanc in his sights by 2030.

It was a shame about the few tons of rubbish bags that were accidentally dropped on Washington by mistake, but Bodj explained that it was due to a spelling error in the drone computer system, probably put there by Russian hackers.

Then Bodj allowed his mind to wander into the endless future possibilities for tourism in Norfolk —- The worlds longest zip line; Snow capped ski runs; a Jodrill bank telescope. Even the journalists were cheering by this stage.

The entire population of Norfolk were less than delighted to be known as the rubbish capital of Europe and swore never to vote Conservative again. Riski was worried about that, but Bodj assured him that more votes would be won back in the red wall seats and metropolitan cities where the rubbish had been piling up on the streets. Of course this was due to the bin men always being on strike for more pay.

Only Bodj could inspire people with a talk about rubbish !

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A Great Rubbish Idea !

Posted on November 7, 2023 by john graham

It’s the first King’s speech in Parliament today for 70 years. A great day for a great Last Laugh Looney Party idea. An idea to renew Riski’s chances of winning the next General Election and revive Bodj’s tarnished reputation.

There has been so much rubbish talked, ever since Coronapop began and when climate change started to dominate the headlines, that now there are piles of it everywhere. So the LLLP thought we should build a rubbish mountain out of the molehills of rubbish.

Riski immediately realised this could be his political salvation and that he needed a great orator to champion such a rubbish idea. Who better than his “new best friend”, a man who frequently speaks a lot of rubbish – Bodj.

The two great politicians were awash with rubbish ideas, the first of which was to build a world beating rubbish mountain in the Wash. The Wash is a muddy estuary in Norfolk, which is just a home for the birds and no voters.

Bodj thought this mountain had the potential to become the biggest rubbish mountain in the UK, …… or even Europe, …….or in time maybe the world. In fact he believes you could see it from the moon!

The ever practical Riski saw the savings that could be made in simplifying the collection of rubbish. No more sorting your rubbish into four different wheelie bins on your doorstep. A fleet of drones could collect your rubbish every week and overnight drop it off at the Wash. No more need for rubbish carts or bin men, which would save thousands of carbon footprint miles and many millions off Local Authority budgets.

This is definitely a rubbish idea if ever there was one and Bodj has agreed to do a weekly TV broadcast on the Countryfile programme now it has moved from talking about farming.

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Looney Bonanza !

Posted on October 1, 2023 by john graham

The LAST LAUGH LOONEY PARTY has been quietly storing up a nest egg of funds in advance of the upcoming General Election. Secretly but in plain sight, they installed a party member at the top of one of Britains wealthiest companies. His name is Mr. Looney and he is the CEO of British Petroleum. The next step was to persuade Prime Minister Riski to grant BP a license to drill for oil at its Rosebud field in the North Sea. This he did as part of his NetZeroPlusabit strategy.

Unfortunately Mr Looney had to be sent on long term sick leave when he became more interested in ladies than drilling for oil. So he has gone to Honolulu to look for oil in the Pacific.

In the meantime the LLLP has proposed nationalising BP, which is worth £90,000,000,000. This should go a long way towards paying off the national debt. The extra petrochemicals from the new Rosebud oil field will be sold cheaply to motorists who still have petrol and diesel cars until 2050.

The outcome of this simple strategy is that Riski will stay as Prime Minister until 2050. Mr. Stammer will remain in the shadows. Scotland will never want to be Independent now we have all that oil.

And we will all live happy ever after, until it gets too hot !

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Loose Change.

Posted on September 13, 2023 by john graham

It’s a time of constant change. Quite probably it always has been. It is only with a lifetime of perspective that you can always appreciate the degree of upheaval. Or is it just a failure to adapt ?

So is the pace of change any more dramatic in my 70 decades? Certainly it feels that way in that there seem to be fewer unchangeable anchor points like family, community, religion and trust in institutions.

TV was perhaps the first big change, starting with only two channels in black and white, for just a few hours a day; it has now morphed into hundreds of channels every hour of the day and night. Although 70 years on it seems likely to go the same way as the ‘wireless’ for the next generation.

For the generation before me there were things beyond my imagination :- the aftermath of World war 1; the depression and unemployment years of the 1930’s and then another World War. Not to mention the technological advancement of electricity and the proliferation of motor vehicles. These were big changes that my mother and father had to come to terms with in their lives, but they seldom looked back and talked about them.

The moon landing was the most memorable event of those early TV days, although that one off adventure had little impact on my day to day life.

More mundane things had lasting effect in the UK, when we changed to metric measures. Or sort of changed — we still have “miles” and temperatures seem better in Fahrenheit . £sd went out of the window and in came new coins that heralded a jump in inflation. In my teens I used to serve a pint of beer in a pub for one and six. Now it costs me over a fiver ! Next we are about to do without change altogether and just use plastic.

There are many more changes I could grumble about, but without question, the most significant one is the advent of the internet. Discombobulating certainly, but an opportunity for great adventure too. It now pervades just about everything, for good and ill.

Like the moon landing, who knows where it will lead ?

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Burner Phone ?

Posted on September 6, 2023 by john graham

I have never been a fan of mobile phones. I know they are supposed to keep you in touch wherever you are, but do you want that ? When I am out and about I don’t want to be interrupted all the time. In any event I have never quite mastered all the tiny keys.

I understand they are useful in emergencies and that smart phones have more applications than a rocket to the moon. But I am not going there any time soon.

So, although I have a cheap mobile, I only take it with me when I think there is going to be an emergency. Otherwise it just sits on a desk at home receiving text messages that I don’t open. So you could say I am a limited user. Or maybe a mobile telephone dinosaur.

Reading the paper recently I was interested to see that diplomats visiting China were being issued with “burner phones”, which are apparently more secure then ordinary mobile phones. I had no idea what a “burner phone was, so I googled it. It turns out that my little old fashioned mobile is a “burner phone”. What do you know I am ahead of my self, I might have known. That must be why nobody rings my mobile. I’m totally secure.

Drug dealers use “burner phones” because they can’t be traced. Perhaps I have a whole new career in front of me🤡

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LLLP Road to Full Employment.

Posted on September 3, 2023 by john graham

As the next General Election approaches voters are not so worried about global warming or the war in Ukraine. They are more concerned about LOCAL issues :- the £ in their pocket; or the price of a pint of milk; or how long it takes to get a GP appointment. But the thing that tops the poll of issues that come up everywhere is …. POTHOLES.

If only our MP’s had been listening more carefully to Sargent Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band way back in 1967, John Lennon and Paul McCartney warned them about the problem. In a song entitled “A day in the life” they mention “4,000 holes in Blackburn Lancashire”. Unfortunately the BBC at the time banned the song as being too controversial, so the holes went unfulfilled.

If just one MP had bothered to listen and extrapolate the Blackburn experience across the whole of the UK, they would have realised that in total that amounts to about 75 billion holes. No wonder people are concerned. It’s an elf and safety calamity. There needs to be a Government Minister for Potholes🤡

The Last Laugh Looney Party has a solution, which is to get the 1.5 million people in the UK, who are sitting on their hands, receiving up-to £67.20 a week in JobSeekers Allowance to fill in the potholes.

No doubt tarmacking can be a bit smelly and dirty, but at least you’re out in the fresh air, doing a fulfilling job. Of course, for elf and safety reasons, the thousands of miles of roads where the potholes are being mended will have to be closed to traffic for a week or two or more. But the spin off of this minor disruption is that the National carbon footprint will be reduced by 15% due to the reduction in traffic while the holes are being mended. We may also be able to do without ULEZ rules requiring us to scrap perfectly good cars before their time.

A win win for the LLLP🤡 Full employment🤡 Roads fixed🤡 All at no extra cost to the taxpayer 🤡

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LLLP “Freedom Workforce” Expands.

Posted on August 30, 2023 by john graham

My last post introduced the Last Laugh Looney Party idea for getting Britain back on its feet. In particular taking a more positive approach to immigration and a more productive use of prisoners time. It also enabled us to take great steps forward with renovating our older housing stock and creating much needed new housing. This virtuous triumvirate of opportunities was only possible by putting the Government on a wartime footing; suspending Parliament and giving executive authority to the LLLP.

This leaves the existing crop of current MP’s with nothing to do, other than sit on their hands. Which is pretty much what they did already 🤡, but the LLLP HAS A SOLUTION FOR PEOPLE WHO SIT ON THEIR HANDS. All the sitting MP’s will be expected to take this time out to get closer to their constituents and experience life outside the Westminster bubble. For a year they will work for minimum wage in the Freedom Force.

They will receive no expenses or special privileges and will be required to do the same jobs as the immigrants and prisoners. At the end of their year there will be a General Election and the MP’s can re-start their political careers. It will be interesting to see if their views have changed. The voters will have the final say in whether they are re-elected.

The LLLP will next turn its attention to any other groups who are sitting on their hands. Watch out for the next post🤡

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LLLP “Freedom Workforce”

Posted on August 27, 2023 by john graham

As I have said before both Riski and Stammer are not going to be able to solve the countries problems without loads of money—which we haven’t got. Stopping the boats didn’t work and prison doesn’t work.

At the last count there were 660,000 asylum seekers awaiting their application being assessed and more arriving every day. This is not going to stop, so we need a more positive approach. They are not allowed to work while their application is in a lengthening queue, so they sit on their hands in hotels that cost taxpayers millions. Eventually 59% of applications are approved, but while they are waiting they learn no new skills and nothing of our culture, other than that we are not a very welcoming country.

In prison there is another group of people not working. There are 89,000 people also sitting on their hands and learning no new skills, other than maybe how to commit more crimes. 55% of prisoners serving less than 1 year reoffend. Each year they spend locked up costs £46,696 each, at a total cost of £6.1 billion annually.

The Last Laugh Looney Party has a creative solution to both of these issues, which will also solve another major issue which our timid, wasteful politicians have talked a lot about but completely failed to address. That is poor housing conditions and a significant shortage of new houses.

It requires thinking outside the box and some wartime rapid decision making. The LLLP idea is to create a “Freedom Workforce” from all the sitting-on-hands people in exchange for improving their skills, their long term job prospects and a pathway to citizenship or being reintegrated into society.

The Freedom Workforce will work for nothing to start with and therefore cost no more to the taxpayers for the first year, until they have acquired enough skill to be economically productive. Thereafter they will be paid the minimum wage in year two, rising to a full apprentice rate for the job in year three.

The Freedom Workforce will be tasked with renovating the country’s housing stock and building new homes. King Charles has generously agreed to provide free land from the Crown Estates and half of the Nations golf courses will be sequestered for new housing estates. Planning regulations will be relaxed to accelerate new housing projects.

NOT A BAD START. MIGRANTS WELCOMED AND USEFULLY EMPLOYED. PRISONERS REHABILITATED. ALL AT NO COST TO THE TAXPAYERS.

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The LLLP is back 🤡

Posted on August 23, 2023 by john graham

The General Election is only a year away and Riski and Stammer are paralysed with a lack of imagination. What can they promise the voters if there is no money to spend?

Time for some Last Laugh Looney Party free ideas that could be adopted be either political party for their manifestos :-

  • Every household will be given a free adult migrant as an apprentice for a year. They will be expected to diligently work on any task directed by the householder. In exchange they will get bed and breakfast, which may be in a tent in the garden. They will also be taught English. This boat people opportunity will be offered to floating voters on a first come first served basis. The LLLP must emphasise that this is not a form of modern slavery, it’s more a golden opportunity to become fully integrated into British values and culture.
  • To help to combat climate change and enable us to reach Nett Zero by 2050, central heating will be phased out immediately. After all we didn’t have it in the olden days, one bar electric fires should be enough to keep you warm in one room. According to the weather forecasters it’s going to get a lot warmer very shortly. That will save on people’s energy bills and put an end to all this silly talk about replacing gas boilers with heat exchangers or new expensive nuclear power stations.
  • Working from home should be the norm for all politicians in future, which will keep them more in touch with their constituents. It will also save a fortune in MP’s expenses and eliminate the need to refurbish the House of Commons And the House of Lords, which can be let out as tourist attractions.
  • Free BBC TV —— the license fee will be abolished altogether, now that just about every programme is a repeat. They will remind people of times gone bye :- when cops actually caught robbers and Dixon of Dock Green was on the beat; or when Dr Finley saw patients face to face and sometimes even did home visits. Of course it is very sad that many over-paid TV personalities will have to be made redundant.
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Riski’s Briski Marathon.

Posted on August 20, 2023 by john graham

From my previous blogs you can clearly see that Riski has a plan for climate change and has begun to turn around the economy …. And has resolved the boat people problem.

So now he is turning his super-imaginative mind to the bloated, bureaucratic, sclerotic NHS. All attempts to reform the system have failed and the managers just ask for more money. Now half the staff are on strike for higher pay and waiting lists for treatment get longer and longer. 7,000,000 and counting.

Some clown in the Department of Illhealth, Stephen Barkingmad – Minister-for-the-moment, came up with the idea of cards in cigarette packets with messages like “It is not woke to smoke” and “ smoke makes you broke” or may be “Smoking adds to global warming”. Somehow Riski didn’t think that would work. People wold just buy more cigarettes to collect the cards, like they did with film stars and footballers in the olden days.

At the moment we are just about the fattest nation on earth. So Riski had a better idea … EXERCISE . A National plan to get us all fitter.

Riski has declared that next week will be “BRISKI MARATHON WEEK”. Between the hours of 8am and 9am every day except Sunday, everybody will be asked to come out and walk at least 4 miles. That will almost add up to a marathon in a week. All traffic will have to stop to allow people to get out of their vehicles and walk. This will improve Britains carbon footprint by an estimated 5% in one small step for mankind and womankind and LGBTQ+kind.

Participation will be entirely voluntary, but any one who does not take part will go to the back of the NHS waiting list should they need any health services. Children under two years will be able to travel in push chairs. Other malingers can be exempted provided they have a Doctors note, although there is a two year waiting list for GP appointments.

The tried and tested Covid track and trace system will identify people who attempt to cheat and they will be rounded up and put on treadmills in public parks and have to walk double miles. The treadmills will generate electricity and will be linked to the National Grid. Another 500,000 kilowatts every week! Ka-ching.

After a week Riski’s great idea will be independently evaluated by Riski’s best friends and anticipating that it will be a great success, it will be extended to BRISKI MARATHON YEAR !

The office of national statistics has estimated that by the end of 2024, conveniently before the General Election, the UK population will have lost 65,000,000 stones in weight; 25,000,000 inches around the National waist and generated enough power to stop drilling more oil wells in the North Sea, which should shut up the Just Stop Oil protesters.

🤡JOB DONE🤡

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