GrumbleSmiles

Having had some time to think in his recent self-isolation BODJ has come up with a plan to defeat Coronapop. It just needs a tweaking of the rules to how we a live in the future.

Rule No 1 – JAB THE LOT

We need 100 % of people vaccinated for 100% protection. Bodj has always said “we are all in this together”. Anyone who doesn’t want a jab must self- isolate and watch repeats on the TV indefinitely.

RULE No 2 – MASK THE LOT

Everyone must ware a mask when they are outdoors or indoors. Anyone found breaking the Mask Rule will be sent to the Outer Hebrides for a long time.

RULE No 3 – MEET NO MORE THAN 10

Bodj worked this out by counting his fingers and thumbs. It all seemed so obvious.

These three simple rules will have profound implications for the way we all live in the foreseeable future :-

Outdoor Music Festivals will be limited to 10 including the performers. The audience must stay 2 meters apart and not sing or shout. Quiet clapping will be allowed.

Restaurants and bars can open but will be allowed no more than 10 customers at a time, so to make it more financially viable opening times will be extended to 24 hours with a maximum stay of 1 hour.

Night Clubs will be restricted with no singing or shouting or jumping up and down. Dancers must observe 2 metre distances and a maximum of 10 people at a time. That should be fun.

Football matches can restart but without supporters because they just keep shouting inspite of Government experts advice. Teams will be reduced to 10 and no substitutes. The referee can be exempted from the numbers but will have to ware a full hazmat suit. Players hugging after goals are scored will be given an automatic red card, so teams might be quite short of players towards the end of the game.

Similar rules will apply to all other team games. Cricket teams are advised to drop the wicketkeeper, which should result in higher scoring matches. In rugby the rule of ten will probably mean leaving out the front and second row forwards.

BODJ will appear on TV every night to advise on any more rules he thinks of. So we had better hope he doesn’t have to self- isolate again.

Next week Bodj will sort out the economy !

While Bodj was forced to self-isolate recently he had time to think. It’s not something he gets time to do very often, because their is so much to do. People are constantly asking him questions – difficult questions – which he has to bluster his way through. But it is not really working, because his poll ratings are going down and down, He was at the crest of a vaccine wave only a few months ago and now he is in the doldrums again. There is nothing Bodj dislikes more than being disliked,

He has just got too much on and everything is a priority :-

Coronapop – just won’t go away, those experts keep asking for more time, more restrictions, more masks, more social distance and now booster vaccines ! They will never be satisfied.

Global warming – as if is want hot enough already. It’s going to get a lot warmer. and colder and wetter and dryer. The weather can’t make up its mind.

The National Debt – £3 trillion and counting. How did Rushi- loads-a-money get us into this mess ?

Brexit Backlash – this was supposed to be sorted but the Europeans still keep complaining.

Scottish Independence- an unruly and unreliable child. They won’t be happy until Hadrian’s wall is rebuilt.

Immigration – the Scots all want to leave and everybody else can’t wait to get here.

Afghanistan – just when we though it was under control it goes out of control.

NHS waiting lists – 5 million and growing by the day, we are going to need those 40 new hospitals, or was it 10, or 50 by Christmas and where are the staff going to come from?

and

HS2 and Grade inflation and Price inflation and No 10 Interior decoration

and Alpacacide.

Who said “Two priorities are no priority at all” ?

Bodj needs a plan – A GRAND PLAN.

see next weeks thrilling episode.

Boris has a plan which he has been thinking about during the many months of lockdown. He has just got to finalise a few details, like what is it all about; where’s the money going to come from; will his quarrelsome MP’s vote for it and most of all he must have a catchy title so that everyone will know it his his idea.

For the moment he is still using BBBB, which obviously stands for Boris Builds Back Better. The only problem is that nobody knows what that means and that includes Boris. So it is back to the drawing board for a while, but the plan will be published very, very soon. Certainly by the time Coronapop is all over, which will be very, very soon.

We have had our milk delivered to the doorstep every day for the last forty years. A reliable faithful service provided without any fuss or hesitation. Also trust that you would pay at the end of the week. A socially distanced service before anyone had heard of Coronapop. A short handwritten note left in the evening could amend the order and have it on your doorstep, before you are awake the next day. Even better than Amazon Prime and no flurry of Emails or extra delivery costs !

Of course the middle of the night deliverers have changed over the years. Mr. Robinson – our original milkman – retired after a long career never seeing his customers, but trusted and valued by all of them. Since then we have had a steady succession of milkmen still with the same everyday service. A few things have changed – Mr Robinson’s silent, electric milk float was ahead of its time, tip- toeing through the night with no carbon footprint, later it was replaced by a diesel version. We didn’t know about climate change back then, but the cows have a lot to answer for.
The service was enhanced with orange juice and eggs …. and bottled water……….and bread ….. and even more things at Christmas. Every house got a Christmas card and the milkman got a tip.
Sadly it’s a fairytale without a happy ending. Along came a corporate business with great ambitions – Why not take over all the small milkmen? – and create a UK-wide milk empire. Call it “ Milk and More”. Economies of scale; bulk purchase of goods; widen the product offer; centralise the back office administration. I’m not sure Mr. Robinson ever had a back office.
It all went well for a while – there were printed colour glossy brochures of the enhanced product range; the occasional free gift to introduce new lines and even TV adverts ! The administration of all this became more complex and much less personal. The back office was a long way from the front line.

The somebody in the back office had an idea of how to simplify the payment system and get rid of all the small change and notes on the door step. Go on-line with orders a get customers to pay by direct debit. Just one problem – the back office staff had never ever met any customers, so they didn’t know that lots of them were elderly and didn’t trust computers, even if they were on-line in the first place; nor did they like the remoteness of direct debits.
Cancel the milk today was the final note on the doorstep.

That is how “Milk and More” became “Milk and Less”.

We have all got so used to the Coronapop rules these days.    Therefore, to keep society in order and free from viruses forever, it would be a good idea to continue with them for the foreseeable future or longer.       Of course they should be simplified and harmonised across all nations of the UK.

• To make Scotland feel more part of the Union, everybody throughout the UK should wear tartan kilts from now on.     Upkilting will be strictly banned !    
• To include the  Northern Irish community everyone will be required to parade up and down their local streets every Friday waving banners and shouting ( quietly).   Rock throwing will only be allowed after 5 o’clock.    Only diesel cars can be set alight.
• To appease the Welsh nationalists, Welsh will become the adopted language throughout the UK.    Road signs throughout the UK will be re-languaged and all towns will begin with  “Llan”.   Travel will still be limited to 12 miles a day until every single person agrees to be vaccinated against Coronapop.

In honour of this momentous declaration of national unity, Prime Minister Bodj has decided to re name himself as Paddy Jock Taff Bodj. Although this will be shortened to PJT in cabinet meetings. Just using initials seems to be catching on.

On his travels around the RE-UNITED KINGDOM the Prime Minister will use the name “Jock Bodj” in Scotland, “Paddy Bodj” in Ireland and “Taff Bodj” in Wales. Bodj is sure this will go down well. He is still thinking about England, maybe he will stick to “Boris”?

To keep things simple, the only other rule is that there will be more rules.