“My Paper Chase”

I had a frustrating day yesterday – making phone calls to no-one who was in, just b****y voice mail!; typing an e-mail which then I accidentally deleted before I could send it!!  Finally, when I wanted to print a report, I ran out of paper half way through!!!

Still, an easy day today, looking forward to an enjoyable afternoon of wood-turning.  Started the day doing my Tai Chi outside in the garden to get me all relaxed and ready.

Just need to pop in to stationers, should not take long – it’s almost on my way.  Staples surely won’t tie me down for long.  As I walk through the door, I enter a bureaucrat’s emporium – a warehouse full of paper – my goodness the Amazon Forest has come to Northampton.  The impulse buy near the entrance is envelopes on “special offer”.   I must need some of them but here’s the first problem:-

  • Do I need gummed ones, self-seal ones or peel and seal ones – does self seal mean you have to seal them yourself?
  • What size do I need – C4 / C5 / C6
  • What does “C” stand for and why isn’t it “E” for envelope
  • What happened to “A” and “B”
  • Now I’ve found “DL – what?????

A few more choices:-

  • With a window or without a window?
  • Pack of 25 / 50 / 100 or a whole box of unknown number?
  • Basket weave – whatever that is – it must be on the wrong shelf

 I eventually decide not to bother!

The impulse seems to have disappeared

Now onto the paper I came for.  Oh dear! Bit of a choice here about a mile of shelving stacked so high you would need a telescope to see what is on the top shelves – providing it’s not a cloudy day that is.  I know exactly what I want – just a pack of A4 copier paper but life is not that simple in the Staples Emporium – I need to pass an “A” level in stationery first:-

  • What is bigger – 500 sheets or a ream?

Whatever happened to diaries with all that useless information inside?  And anyway you can never find your diary when you need it !

  • Do I need 80 gram, 90 gram, 135 gram?

Who says size doesn’t matter, certainly not Mr Staples?

  • Now the big question, what type of paper do I need?
    • Sample paper – presumably you can bring it back later
    • Office paper – where else would you use it?
    • Multi-use paper – perhaps you can use this for fish & chips
    • “All in one paper” – maybe there is a giant sheet inside with enough space for everything you would ever want to write about
  • Now the final and most important exam question of all.  How to save the world in the midst of this fallen Amazonian Forest.  What Eco paper do I buy?
    • Ecologically friendly – as opposed to paper that tell you off when you use it
    • Recycled paper – I guest this comes with words already typed on it – maybe you write between the lines
    • Eco-logical “Give a tree a name” – presumably before you cut it down

Hopelessly failing my “A” level in paper, I buy the cheapest and leave.

 

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3 Responses to “My Paper Chase”

  1. the flower pot man says:

    I read this piece, and it raised a smirk on my brow? Who are you, what are you like? I know myself, portly balding and slightly confused at times with the knowlege of gutter type english! But You? are you different? Having ranted and raved about paper products the selection of the same, and myself the same age I would direct at some of my rage to the www sites, all that confusion to obtain a few facts!
    By the way the main image I have of a gentleman of certain age is: Are you of my proportions and modesty-dashing into the garden or the patio doing TY Chi to soothing music; Maybe some tunes from the Beetles such as ‘Will you still love when I sixty four?’ or a ‘Queens’ Heavy metal group thrashing out the music, while you attempt to keep in Rhytm to the tunes and lyrics? Great Stuff, please continue to rant and rave. The images I have keeping me sane and smiling while I attempt to train in the gym, and trying to read and contest some of the www web sites.
    ps what are you turning in the woodwork shop at present- ‘A self flagulation whip?’

  2. David Evans, Cardiff says:

    Retailers these days seem obsessed with segmenting the market to the n’th degree.
    Every supermarket has more and more choices which only manages to confuse me. To make matters worse, just when you are getting used to where everything is, they change everything around. All of this maybe good marketing strategy but it certainly doesn’t make for an enjoyable shopping experience.
    Bring back the baker with his fresh bread bread delivered to your house the day it was baked. And the butcher and fishmonger and fruit and veg men with their weekly van deliveries and a cheery smile. Don’t forget the Corona pop lorry.
    These are the things that make a community work, especially for older people.

    I will stick to buying my paper and envelopes in the local post office. It may be more expensive but the smile and the friendly chat are free.

  3. Gasbag says:

    I find the people in Staples very very helpful They even leave a pack of each paper opened so you can feel the thicknee and the quality! I am a supporter of Staples and spend a fortune in there. If I had to work in a shop or store I’d choose Staples. All those lovely files, coloured paper, pens, crayons, containers office furniture etc. combined with helpful people. Try the Milton Keynes store, they are so good. They will explain even to the oldest and thickest customer and I should know I’m one of them!

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