It’s your funeral 😄

Buying a funeral plan is a way of making sure there is  enough money to pay for your last big send off yourself, rather than leaving the bill to be picked up by unhappy relatives when you are gone.   Especially if you want to go out in style, you know — wheeled carriages, four black horses, stretch limos full of hundreds of weeping Facebook flash mob friends, loud speakers outside the church for the overflow audience of clapping fans  who never knew you …….. and flowers lots of flowers.    A modest respectful sort of funeral😢

Last year 183,500 funeral plans were taken out, which is a 25% increase on the year before.  Sounds like death is a growing business. On average a plan costs £3,550.   Not sure that includes a round of drinks at the wake ?

Funeral costs are rising rapidly and are forecast to double in the next 10 years.     So buy you plan while you can!

It pays to shop around, so why not start at your local supermarket —- ASDA has a funeral plan although at the check out they prefer to call it ‘life insurance’.    Speak to the check out lady when you next get your weekly  groceries.

If you don’t shop at ASDA then try the Co-op, they are the UK’s brand leader when it comes to funeral send offs.     They have 1200 outlets (sorry, funeral parlours) in the UK and if you purchase on-line you get a £100 discount on you funeral plan.   They have bronze, silver and gold plans, which is certain to create an argument amongst  your relatives 😄.       I wonder if you can also use your Co-op green stamps  for the final payment ?

Another option, particularly if you want to ascend in a puff of smoke into the clouds (although Heaven is not a guaranteed destination for everyone) is to use Dignity,  the UK’s  largest owner of crematoria.   Not to be confused with Dignitas which includes a final trip to Switzerland.    Dignity operate on a gargantuan scale — 39 crematoriums throughout the UK, 750 funeral directors and a further 400 ‘vetted’ directors, so your pets can come too.   In their advertising, they pride themselves on the fact that “98% of their customers would recommend them to friends and relatives”.    That must be clear evidence that there is life after death.

One last thing on this sombre subject.    Apparently we are running out of land for burials. So it rather looks like I will have to have that ostentatious Viking burning-boat-burial at sea after all.


Better take out the “luxury tailored funeral plan”. 😄

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6 Responses to It’s your funeral 😄

  1. davidwfreeman237 says:

    What a load of tosh and ‘bollocks’ you have ranted on about today John. A land fit for kings and queens, and all we are doing is going down the high street first to the insurance broker, and then the supermarkets ( Lidals would not be best pleased or maybe Netto’s,?) and then onto the funeral directors for that friendly chat, remember that barber anything for the weekend sir? Gone is that dream.
    Your gentle nudge reminds of that advert/commercial on ITV with the talk host -Name escapes me bluff yorkshireman (Not Russel Hearty- but the cricket loving gent, especially Yorkshire), and the Sun Alliance insurance company. I was intrigued, I did look at the market and buy for Molly and I two end of life insurances, with the Colonial and Mutual, now friends provident, who are now some super-duper swiss insurance company (Dignitas?). The policy as all in those days was either a lump sum premium or a direct debit-I took the later. I was 55 years old the end insured sum was £1100, towards future funeral costs? If one read some of the market leaders the direct debit was for life (Natural). My father died at 81 I reckoned I was overpaying the premium, so with colonial and mutual the payment was only for the future 15 years, not a bargain, but at least protection, and my premiums returned to my estate: a judgement.
    Today as you say John that farewell at the gates of St.Peter, are now beyond that sum and the friendly funeral director is looking more towards £3500 to £5000 for those flowers and the visit to the pub toilets.
    One thing about this subject, and living in an Extracare Retirement Village, one becomes aware of death, bereavement, sorrow, not in a mournful way:If the masters of the village have structured the residents each and everyone of us in a thoughtful manner with respect to mobility, ailments and age?
    Then the village residents as a whole become respectful of death, accept the inevitable with dignity,
    and if you are a party goer you can attend if you so wish every crem, church service and wake, and be come an officanardo, at what you may want when the grim reaper comes calling!
    Do not get me wrong, a retirement village is not ‘Gods Waiting Room’ but a living and beating heart of emotions and life, and all aspects of life can be discussed, humourise in an adult way, with seriousness and the utmost respect, for all concerned.
    We are all part of life and each one of us is a child of some god? or parent?

  2. Burial at sea, two myths facts: a sailor wore a single gold earring (left ear), to allay his funeral costs.
    The bosun, under the eye of a deck officer when closing up the shroud would with the last stitch peirce the soft part of the nose between each nostril, if a reaction one was saved, if not one with ceromy was put over the side, into the OGGIN

  3. Dearest John, you are the nearest thing? I have to consider to be a ‘tinned fart’ in the nicest possible way! I have a grumble for you, it may be my last and my swan song, if you find my language too colourful. (Tinned fart-, something that rattles but cannot be heard, but belongs to some I love and admire’!)
    My grumble!
    The internet, it was I believe devised/designed conceived by a Englishman, but not patented, but left to mankind in general to feel the benefits of a truly conceptive idea, for all races and creed and colour of mankind.
    My itch is that the web/internet providers google, Yahoo, and Microsoft(and others) are basically free to access and free to use, for general information- not business or trade.
    Now I have email accounts(s), from said IPS providers? so far so good: I am allocated an address, and must nominate password(S) to allegedly protect my account from undesirables.
    Now the soft wear privacy agreement gives the rights to the IPS Provider to update/modify/promote services and products to my personal email address: ( again they say all information is private and confidential-no government authority has a right or access to this stored information?)
    Goody, with me so far? now the rub!!!, I now learn that the IPS Provider reviews my account every 4 weeks or thereabouts, and in doing so wishes me to re-activate my account by shall I say two methods: 1 By my normal sign on to my mail sign on page, and then 2; by signing on through the internet connection function. This may involve a backup reserve email address and information, either by the same provider or a different one?(at 70+ or older this can be confusing retrieving the sign on data)
    My bitch grumble I am wary that some of the internet providers or soft-wear for programming and antivirus, anti-hacking ETC, have superstitiously built in to a free web system an automatic costings which is not apparent or clearly defined, and it smacks the face of the original concepts of a free web.
    I am not naive but to who does one complain or report to for unrealistic costs? Here the answer lies in ones own hands, it I supposedly depends on the personal, financial, libellous and other information that is liable to enable a third party to gain from ones lack of thought?
    Beware of Greeks bearing gifts comes to mind.

    • Foot note to the item above!
      I have had tussle’s with the internet provider that I have registered with
      I have two email address’e from too different email companies, but the internet IPS google controlled by Microsoft. The upshot of my problems is that a Microsoft server, wishes all my various email address’s are registered on one only of their servers (central records)? may be I am up the pole and miss reading the situation, but I have one sceptical view point that that Microsoft all be it for privacy and confidential agreements, my information is on one server, and That Microsoft are to some extent controlling my input out on the net? So what is their legal position with respect to aunty the UK, american Intelligence, Russian and Chinese interests, or ISL interests accessing the Microsoft server for inappropriate information, or indeed if secure private and confidential, what is the commercial integrity of Microsoft?
      Are they protecting me, or their system of the weB? who controls the controllers? a conundrum? I may suggest with tongue in cheek.

  4. I am having a tussel with my IPS Internet provider, and the global web based internet engines.
    i just wonder who is watching who.
    I was informed a data base on one of my web visits had been, or was suspected of plagiarism, I decided to have an alternative email address.
    I am now utterly confused with the whole process. I was required and sought advice on how to open an alternative email address.. The web provider asked me as I checked in on my original signature to complete the form. This was done.
    While on my original email I received a cryptic note saying please go on the web, via google chrome, and resign in.
    This I did and opened up my emails,? I then got a cryptic blog all was well-
    It reminded me of a baby asleep in my arms passing wind, and then that smile without opening the eyes, like the inscrutable smile of the sphinx…
    I have still not resolved the issues, and I find it: the procedure totally confusing, and still wonder who or whom the websites are protecting?? and from who?
    It would be most rewarding to talk to a fellow human being in ones own mother tongue.

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