Since the publication of our Last Laugh Looney Party manifesto the opinion polls have been very encouraging. So far we have received 100% support from older people, admittedly the poll was rather small, in fact it was just the two people who commented on my post. Still the facts don’t lie and 100% is 100% !
Sadly, I have not had any responses from Scotland so far, perhaps they don’t want to move to the Outer Hebrides or maybe it is just because I referred to them as dour. In an effort to improve the LLLP appeal north of the Border we have decided to extend our demand for sovereignty to include the Inner Hebrides. Of course this has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that there are a lot of very good whiskey distilleries located there. Although the tax revenues will come in handy and we do have sound medical reasons for consuming the odd tipple or two.
I am still waiting for my invitation to go on the Andrew Marr politics programme, but I haven’t heard anything yet.
Here are the second-half ideas to be added to our manifesto :-
There would be a new law against conning older people. It would apply to unsolicited phone callers who tell you ” your computer has been hacked and they can fix it”; people who knock on your front door and say “I am not trying to sell you anything”; bank managers and insurance salesmen who fail to explain things in a simple way and leave you befuddled; opticians and hearing aid vendors who tell you every year ” your sight / hearing has deteriorated and you need to spend even more money with us”; and last but not least, most politicians who promise the earth before an election and then disappear for the next three or four years and forget the promises they made.
Their punishment would be to have to stand in a very public place every Sunday and say ” I am sorry, very sorry ” to every older person that passes by, until 100 older people say ” OK but don’t do it again”. If they do, then repeat offenders will have to spend a day every week for a year in a wheelchair wearing incontinence pads, ear muffs to make it hard to hear things and glasses that they can’t see clearly through. Then they might learn to be kinder to older people in future 😀😀😀😀😀
TELEVISION PRESENTERS & ASSORTED ACTORS
All of them must learn to speak clearly at the Sylvia Peter’s School of Good Diction and use no slang or acronyms or swear words. At least half of them should be over pension age and have grey, white or no hair.
On day one after the election our new Island Government we will reintroduce ” feet and inches” —- miles never seemed to go away anyway. ” Pounds and ounces” — will be back too —– who ever understood a kilo of potatoes and grams are far to small to make sense. As for litres well ! Only Germans drink litres of beer and we never got round to litre-sized milk bottles —- so we will go back to “gallons and pints” and ” bushels and pecks and rods and poles and perches” they were so much more understandable.
Just for good measure the LLLP will revert back to our former and totally unique currency of Pounds, Shillings and Pence. Oh and Farthings. Things seemed so much cheaper with farthings ! We will no longer be linked to decimal coinage and the Euro will only be legal currency for supermarket trolleys, public toilets and parking meters. Although of course without cars on our Islands, there won’t be any parking meters, or speeding fines or traffic wardens or road fund licences or congestion charges. If you get congestion you need to go to the doctor.
And while we are at it, we will get the weather forecasters to speak English and only talk in ” Fahrenheit “. When the temperatures are in the 70’s and 80’s again it will all feel much warmer.
In an effort to catch up in the opinion polls comrade Jeremy Corbyn and what is left of the Labour Party ( in fact nothing is left of the Labour Party these days ) have promised to introduce four new bank holidays. The Last Laugh Looney Party would just like to point out that for older people on our sovereign Islands —- every day will be a bank holiday 😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀
VOTE FOR THE LAST LAUGH LOONEY PARTY.