As the Election draws closer all the political party’s are making more and more spending plans in an effort to bribe the voters. Evidently the age of austerity is over even though the UK is in trillions of pounds of debt.
So it is an ideal time for the Last Laugh Looney Party to take a more sensible view and fully cost all its proposals by ensuring that all its policies are covered by savings.
We will start with Defence. The Ministry of Defence spends £36 billion a year, 2 % of the UK budget. So why have we got new aircraft carriers with no planes ? And why are half of our Navy ships out of commission and what are all the sailors on them doing in the meantime ? Oh and why don’t our soldiers have enough equipment ? It sounds like a complete mess. Perhaps if we shed a lot of the 56,000 civilian staff at the MOD and while we are at it we could retire all the medal-dangling, over-dressed Director Generals; flightless Air Chief Marshall’s and shipless Vice Admiral’s parading around the MOD endlessly repeating that they haven’t got enough money.
Still it meets the 2% commitment to NATO, which is only met by two other countries – USA and Greece ( who I thought was bankrupt ! ) The average contribution is 1.5% and most EU countries don’t even reach that.
So the LLLP says, let’s start again and rethink how we should defend ourselves.
We have lots of kids playing computer games, why not recruit them into a new drone operations force (DOF) and withdraw all our troops from abroad. We could also conscript all the young hoodlums caught carrying knives and send them to conflict areas to play until they grow up. Finally, anyone convicted of a violent offence can in future serve their sentence overseas in a soon to be established LLLP Foreign Legion.
Meanwhile, because of rising crime back at home we need de-fences here. We will renovate Hadrians Wall using the Brexit No-Deal budget, just in case the Scots decide to vote to stay in Europe. In Northern Ireland we will build a wall of Guinness along the border, which should put an end to any future troubles, —— or probably not.
With less civilian staff, less high ranking officers and only drones and kitchen knives from Poundland the Defence budget will be cut to £500 a year. I am sure we can rely on Boris’s new best friend —- President Tramp to come hastily to our rescue with a nuclear missile or two if we really need them.
WATCH OUT FOR THE NEXT LLLP GOVERNMENT EXPENDITURE REVIEW COMING SOON TO A THEATRE NEAR YOU.