Banking Security

My money is safe in the bank.    So safe I can’t get at it !

My bank card expires at the end of the month and normally a few weeks before that I am automatically sent a new one.   But this time it must have got lost in the Christmas post because I didn’t get one.   I was worried that I might not be able to buy anything from the 1st of February and that starvation was only a step away.

So I decided to ring up the helpline number on the back of the card.    This is where customer service kicks in.   I speak to a recorded message press 1 for  “ nothing I could understand” ; press 2 for “nothing I wanted”; press 3 for “ nothing in particular”.    I finally reverted to pressing 1 in the hope I might get a real person.    No such luck, I got another automatic message saying “we are exceptionally busy  right now, please wait and we will be with you as soon as possible”.   Then I got entertained with some plinky plonk music regularly interrupted by repeated messages of how exceptionally busy they were.  I nodded off for a while, eventually to be woken up by a real person.     Well not quite, it was another recorded message asking some security questions :- “please type the third digit of the security number on the back of your card”      Which I did.     It was only when I was next asked to type in the fourth digit, that I realised that I had got the third digit wrong.    Too late, they already had me down as a suspected fraudster.  I was then abruptly told, that if I hung up my card would be ‘locked’.   If I held on and listened to some more music, I could speak to a real person eventually although “we are exceptionally busy  right now, please wait and we will be with you as soon as possible”.   Then a bit more plinky plonk music!

A tune or two later the music stopped and a real person answered.   As I was half asleep I didn’t catch her name, just the thick Glaswegian accent.   She told me she had some security questions so that I could verify who I was :- name, address, post code and date of birth.   Fortunately, I knew who I was so I could answer the questions correctly.   I told her my problem and so she said “ in that case I have a few more security questions”.    None of them were as simple as my mother’s maiden name, it was more like Eggheads except they didn’t give you alternative answers.    I am normally quite good at quiz shows, but not today.    I didn’t know what bank accounts we had with them.    I didn’t know the favourite colour I had given them six years ago when I opened the account.    Worst of all I could not recall what I had used the card for five days ago.     I could tell she was beginning to lose confidence in me.  In fact the fraud squad were probably on their way around as we spoke.

My money was safe, but I wasn’t.

Then as the interrogation was drawing to a close, I remembered I bought a small fridge six days ago at Sainsbury’s.   “No that’s not it”, she said.  “But I did,  I bought a fridge”.    “Not according to us you didn’t”.   “Well OK maybe it was Argos inside Sainsbury’s“  “Sorry I have to accept your first answer”

Then she very politely explained that the system had now locked me out for my own sake and I couldn’t get any more money until I personally visited my bank with some photo ID. Preferably not wearing a mask and definitely not carrying a fire arm.

 

Posted in SMILES | 1 Comment

LLLP and Trump

Once again the Last Laugh Looney Party has been brought back to assist Prime Minister, Mrs Maynever.     This time it was at the world leaders summit ——- the World Economic Forum at the Swiss luxury resort of Davos.     Mrs Maynever thought she might need some creative LLLP ideas to put to President Trump to help secure a better trade deal with the USA.

The first step in LLLP negotiations was to get a copy of Mr Trump’s book ‘The Art of the Deal’.    Then tell him how he must be a very clever man to become President with no political experience, just a lot of money.    Oh and his writing style was excellent, when you consider all he had written before was a few tweets.     Finally we had a special gift to reflect our special                                                         relationship ——  a years supply of hair spray.

Mr Trump seemed very flattered by all this adulation.  So then we heaped on some more  to celebrate the fact that his mother came from this country, so he was practically a British citizen.      Mrs Maynever, wishing to ingratiate herself as his very best friend, offered him —— Scotland, —— which had always been a bit of a problem for her party.

In one fell swoop the LLLP had got rid of all those caber tossing, whiskey drinking, argumentative bravehearts —— and re-secured a majority in the House of Commons, now that the SNP members of parliament would be leaving to take up a place in Washington.

President Trump couldn’t believe his good luck.   He would make Scotland the golfing capital of the free world, because everyone knows he is a great golfer, probably the best golfing President there has ever been.

Without hesitation he offered Mrs Maynowandagain a brand new better, much much better trade agreement, than any one else had got in the past.     Britain would be able to buy lots more American fighter jets for its aircraft carriers that didn’t have any and also a heap of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream.

In return the USA would pay all the back tax on tea owed to Britain since the Boston Tea Party in 1773.    In recognition of their help in the negotiations, the President offered Hawaii to the LLLP to add to their Island Republic.

On his way home, the President reflected on the excellent deal he had negotiated.    Hawaii was always bit too close to North Korea for his liking and they voted for the Democrats, so it was a good off-load before his second term election.     Scotland  could be the new 51st state, and would be an ideal location for some more nuclear missiles pointed at Russia or anyone else really.

Then he thought about all the extra golf courses the Trump Organisation could build.    He could implement his hew revolutionary golf concept.    No 18th hole, instead a brand new 50 storey luxury world class Trump hotel.   Never mind all those silly rules about over development in National Parks, this would be a new land of opportunity in America’s new 51st State.

Later, when the dust has settled, he might also drop the 13th hole, because who likes unlucky 13.   That would make room for a brand new world class Trump casino.     Everybody knows 16 hole golf courses are better than 18, because President Trump, who is probably the best golfing President in the world, says so.

Posted in SMILES | Tagged | 2 Comments

Blog Koan?

If a tweet equals 142.

How many characters does it take to make a conversation?

 

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Doggy Rush Hour.

Every Monday is a very special day for dogs in Kilsby.    You have to get your owner up nice and early, and get out and about before the bin men come.    This is the day when everyone puts out all their rubbish.   Lots of nice smells everywhere.    It’s like doggy Christmas Day.

The big bin is too high up to reach so you have to wait until the bin lorry has been, because there are always a few titbits left on the road when they are gone.   But before the Collection, the recycling boxes are best,  their lids are open and you can see right inside.   I don’t know why grown-ups throw these things away.   The papers are great for tearing up and making a mess everywhere.    The cardboard food boxes always have some tasty scraps left in them.

The blue recycling bin is a different kind of challenge, although now I have learned how to get bottle tops off, it’s much more fun.     It has empty bottles, many which smell strongly of alcohol, must be from a grown-up party that I wasn’t invited to.    Then there are the baked bean tins, which are definitely worth a lick or two.     And the yoghurt cartons.   And the soup packets.    But, never any biscuits.  Grrrrr!

Finally, the very bestest of smells come from the cooked food waste bin.    Sunday lunches only half eaten.     What a terrible thing to throw away perfectly good food when there are hungry dogs everywhere.

I don’t understand humans, they have some very wasteful habits.

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Shrinking NHS GRAND PLAN.

Last week my post commented on the services that are being squeezed out of the NHS.    Now after a barrage of stories in the media over Christmas and into January about a ‘potential’ winter crisis a clear strategy is becoming clear.    Here are some of the emotive headlines:-

  • “Doctors left in tears over ‘battlefield conditions’’
  • “Flue outbreak feared after jabs targeted wrong strain”
  • ”Take your elderly home to free beds”
  • ”Winter crisis cripples NHS”
  • “Doctor’s used as bouncers at A&E entrances”

Just in case there might be a flu epidemic or a mysterious norovirus outbreak, the newly formed Emergency Pressures Panel have cancelled all non-urgent operations and stationed specially trained bouncer doctors on the doors of A&E Departments to turn patients away.   The Health Secretary, Jeramy Hunt and the Prime Minister, Theresa Maynot, have both apologised to people who have had there operations cancelled.  They were almost in tears, but I expect they will get over it.

Of course if there is no flu outbreak in January at least the NHS will have saved a lot of money.   Or Maybe not ?     There again, if the ‘potential’ outbreak doesn’t happen until February or March,  they may have to postpone operations for a few more months.

Wishing to learn lessons from this, the Emergency Pressures Panel is now considering shutting down the NHS for the winter to everyone except emergencies.    Providing they can get passed the bouncers and can prove they don’t have norovirus.

In the long-term, the Emergency Pressures Panel is envisaging that this could create an opportunity to close some hospitals altogether.   This would relieve the pressures on the NHS staff, although sadly some of them may have to be made redundant.   The managers will be able to be redeployed to organise the closures and redundancies, before taking golden handshakes for the excellent work they have done.

Posted in N.H.S. | 1 Comment

Weather Koan

Another wet and wind-torn day,

the weather just won’t go away.

 

Setting the disturbed mood of awakening,

but the outlook will soon change.

 

A bright new dawn awaits.

Time to get the wind in your sails.

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The Shrinking NHS

It doesn’t feel like the NHS is getting smaller.      We are always being told by our politicians that there are more doctors and nurses than ever.    This doesn’t seem to fit with the stories always coming out of the health service about the unrelenting pressures on them.  Nor does it square with the endless queues in A&E or the over filled beds.    And the bill for the NHS goes up and up.

Strange then that in my recent blogs I have been writing about how pills are being struck off the list of things GP’s can proscribe.   Then there is hearing loss, or more accurately the withdrawal of hearing aids in the NHS.     Oh and eyesight is looked at, but you still have to get and pay for your own glasses.    I must not forget dentistry, although the NHS has done that years ago.

Ever lengthening waiting lists are a key tactic to continue this process and reduce demand.  How do you know you need an operation if you can’t get seen in the first place to get a diagnosis?   Closing the front door and leaving potential patients out side in the cold is certainly one way of pretending there is not a problem.

The NHS England grand strategic plan for all this is to employ more managers to explain why they are able to do less and less.

Posted in N.H.S. | 1 Comment

Pill Rationing

I seem to be addicted to writing about pills and it is obviously catching. Because as fast as I write about it more and more articles appear in the media on the same topic.  (You can read all my earlier posts by click on “Pills” in the Tag Cloud)

So the NHS is finally putting its foot down.    There will be less pills from now on,    At least on prescription.   You will be encouraged —- no —- told to go buy them yourself from the local chemist.

In future you will no longer be able to get pill for all ills from your GP. Take your itches and aches to the pharmacist first and they will certainly sell you something.   It is just a matter of time before they start doing over the counter or even on the counter heart transplants.

“I was sorry to hold up all the other customers for so long” said MILLY, “I only came in to get something to perk me up.  I didn’t expect to end up on the operating counter”

Posted in N.H.S., SMILES | Tagged | 2 Comments

Koan

Absorbed in a book,

I could not look.

Too see the world was older.

 

Wrapped from the cold,

I did not feel.

The climate was changing.

 

If we are

too  careful.

Fear keeps us living

in our own bubble

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Saga of Europcar Hire

In the middle of December 2017, we had snow in Kilsby.  Two days later, the snow had almost disappeared but there was still lots of ice on the roads in the village.  And that’s how this saga begins.

My car was parked outside on the road, as it always is, and just as I’m sitting down to wrap some Christmas presents, there comes a knock on the door.  It’s a nice young lady with a Christmas jumper and a bobble hat and she says – “Is that your car on the road?  I’m afraid I’ve just bumped into it.”

We both went out to inspect the damage and it was clear that she slid on the ice and the driver’s side headlight of her car had smashed into the driver’s side fog light of my car.  On both cars, the lights were broken and panels and bumpers on both cars were damaged.  The good news was the lady wasn’t injured and the damage wasn’t too extensive.

I hadn’t had an accident for years so I wasn’t totally sure what the procedure was but we swapped names and addresses and she told me the name of her insurance company.  She was keen to get to a meeting and so departed quite quickly after that.

That’s when this long tale really begins.  I rang my insurance company – SAGA – and spoke to a very nice man called Matt.  Matt told me our conversation would be recorded to make sure they captured everything.  He asked me to give him my address, my post code and my date of birth, from which he was able to confirm that I was who I was.  I recounted the story of what had happened and he  asked me to describe the lady, describe her car, describe the damage and confirm her conversation with me.  Matt then suggested that it wasn’t my fault.  Which is hardly surprising since I wasn’t in the car at the time.  Matt said this would mean that I didn’t lose my no claims bonus nor would I have to pay any excess charges. This conversation lasted for about half an hour.

Matt then passed me on to a colleague called Connor – another very nice man.  Connor works for SAGA Car Repair Company.  Connor told me that our telephone conversation would be recorded to make sure they captured everything.  He asked me to give him my address, my post code and my date of birth, from which he was able to confirm that I was who I was.  I recounted the story of what had happened and he  asked me to describe the lady, describe her car, describe the damage and confirm her conversation with me.  Connor then confirmed that it didn’t seem that the accident was my fault and that they should be able to claim all the cost from the lady’s insurance.  This would also mean that I didn’t lose my no claims bonus nor would I have to pay any excess charges.  Connor then said he would arrange for Rugby Car Care to collect and repair my car and that also he would ask Europcar to deliver me a hire car until my car repair was complete.  This conversation lasted for about another half an hour.

Within minutes, a very nice man from Rugby Car Care, who gave me his name but I didn’t catch it, rang and arranged to pick up my car.  They said because of the Christmas period it might take more time than usual to complete the repair.

At exactly the same time as Rugby Car Care came to collect my car, the phone rang and it was a very nice man from Europcar, who confirmed they would deliver me an Audi 4+4 the same day at 4pm.  So far, so good.  You couldn’t fault this excellent and expeditious service.  Later on that day, while I was in the middle of my lunch, a very nice man called Owen from Europcar, rang to say that they didn’t have an Audi 4+4 but they could deliver me a top of the range, “it won’t cost you anything”, brand new Jaguar XE, although it wouldn’t be available until 10am the following day.  Wanting to finish my lunch, I said “fine”.

Overnight, I thought about it and thought that it didn’t sound right.  A top of the range, “it won’t cost you anything”, brand new Jaguar XE was hardly equivalent to my 9-year old Freelander.  And the nice lady that bumped into me, didn’t deserve to be stung with a very expensive car hire.  So I decided to ring Europcar and change the car.

That’s where the slippery slope of Europcar begins in earnest.  The first problem was that I didn’t have a phone number for Owen at Europcar.  The second problem was that the car was due to be delivered at 10am and it was already 7am when I decided to cancel the top of the range, “it won’t cost you anything”, brand new Jaguar XE.  So I went on Europcar’s website and found their 24-hour helpline.  I rang them and spoke to a very nice man called Nicky and explained the problem.  He asked me for my Europcar reference number, but I didn’t have one.  He then asked me for my name and address, so that he could check on his system, but sadly no top of the range, “it won’t cost you anything”, brand new Jaguar XE due to be delivered to Kilsby at 10am seemed to be on his system.  Oops!  So then Nicky suggested I ring my local Europcar in Rugby and gave me their number.  Although he told me they don’t open until 8.30am.

At 8.30 I rang Europcar Rugby and spoke to a very nice lady, with no name that I could catch and having shared with her the same story, she confirmed that they didn’t hire out top of the range, “it won’t cost you anything”, brand new Jaguar XE’s and that would probably be Bristol Street Motors in Birmingham.  I asked her if she could ring them and cancel my shortly, due to be delivered, top of the range, “it won’t cost you anything”, brand new Jaguar XE.  She helpfully agreed to do this and said she would ring me back.  An hour later, I was getting anxious that the top of the range, “it won’t cost you anything”, brand new Jaguar XE would be appearing on my doorstop at any time.  So I rang Europcar Rugby again.  The nice lady explained that she had cancelled the car and didn’t ring me because Bristol Street were going to do that.  But they didn’t!

At the beginning of the following week, a very nice man called Henry from SAGA Car Repair called when I was out.  He spoke to my wife, Mo, but he wasn’t able to talk to her because she wasn’t on their system.  Apparently, according to SAGA, I am married to Morag Graham, who lives in Scotland!  This came as quite a shock to Mo.  It took a few more days and a lot of Christmas presents to get over that little SAGA bump in the road.  Maybe Morag is a contact on the SAGA dating service that I have yet to meet.

Once my marital problems were healed, Henry became quite a good friend after that and we spoke regularly over the Christmas period.

A few days later Henry calls from SAGA to confirm by car repair had been approved but they may not get parts until after Christmas.  That’s when I told him about Europcar and the top of the range, “it won’t cost you anything”, brand new Jaguar XE which I had cancelled.  He said he would follow it up with Europcar and confirm they have a car booked out to me on Friday 22nd December.  This was news to me as I had no phone call from the very nice man, Owen, from Europcar.

No doubt after Henry’s call to Europcar, Owen rang to confirm they will deliver a car on the 22nd at 10am.  A top of the range, “it won’t cost you anything”, brand new Jaguar XE.  I explained to him that I thought it was too expensive but he explained that it wouldn’t cost me anything.  Unusual that, I’m sure there aren’t many free, top of the range, “it won’t cost you anything”, brand new Jaguar XE’s around but Europcar seemed to have one and who could refuse a freebie!  Someone must pay somewhere, presumably everyone pays in higher insurance premiums.

I slept on it again and was still not happy.  It offends my integrity to take a car which is much more valuable than the once it is replacing.  Also I feel I am being hassled to have something I don’t want.  So I decided to put my foot down.  The cost didn’t seem to matter to anyone because it is on the other person’s insurance.  ONCE AGAIN, I CANCEL THE TOP OF THE RANGE, “IT WON’T COST YOU ANYTHING”, BRAND NEW JAGUAR XE.  I decided to wait until after Christmas.

Finally, in the first week in January, Henry rings to say my car will be returned on Friday and don’t forget to return the hire car within 24 hours.     I remind him about the top of the range, “it won’t cost you anything”, brand new Jaguar XE story and say that I haven’t yet got a hire car.   A day early, on Thursday, Rugby Car Care ring to say my car is about to be delivered and don’t forget to have the £300 excess ready to pay.   I explain that there is no excess to pay but they assure me there is.    I contact Henry again and he confirms there is no excess and he will email the repairers and tell them “Oh and don’t forget to return the hire car”.

Before I have hardly had time to get dressed, my car is returned.   All fixed, dents all gone, lights all working, freshly valetted and no excessive demands.   Excellent service from Rugby Car Care !

Later that day Henry rings to check I have my car back and that everything is OK.    I confirm that it is, he is pleased for me and mentions that I must not forget to return the hire car.  I think Henry has hire cars on the brain, but to be fair I am probably not his only customer and he may have forgotten.    I repeat for the umpteenth time the story about the top of the range, “it won’t cost you anything”, brand new Jaguar XE that I never wanted and never had.   “Oh!” says Henry, “if you didn’t have a hire car you have to pay the £300 excess”.

What?  How does that work?  I save you money and have to pay you more!    After a few more reminders about the all singing all dancing top of the range “it won’t cost you anything” brand new Jaguar XE, Henry talks to his boss and they agree there will be no excess in this instance.

At last the SAGA is over !

SAGA were great, I have made lots of new friends there and their service was helpful and efficient throughout this process, aside from nearly getting me divorced.

Rugby Car Care did an excellent job and my car looks as good as new and is cleaner than it’s ever been.

EUROPCAR, however, get no medals from me, they are probably the reason insurance claims are so high.  I’ll only ever use them should I want to hire a top of the range, “it won’t cost you anything”, brand new Jaguar XE!

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