GrumbleSmiles

Bodj has been really racking his brains thinking about his Grand Plan for defeating climate change. It is quite clear to him that all the other world leaders are not grasping the nettle. They are just not as bold as Bodj.

He hasn’t got the whole solution yet, but incase nothing much comes out of the Glasgow conference, he needs a Plan B. And that’s when it came to him —— he will build a Lasting monument to his genius —— a BORIS WALL.

After all the Chinese had one and the Russians built one in Berlin and even next President Trump was building a chainlink fence.

This could be the answer to two of the biggest issues facing Bodj —— rising sea levels and mass immigration. Britain has a 19,491 mile long coastline only half of which is protected by cliffs, which leaves about 10,000 miles where the sea could pour in if sea levels continue to rise. A 10 meter high Boris Wall would be a life jacket around Britain.

The spendthrift chancellor Rushi-got-no-money has spent all the cash on Coronapop. But Bodj has thought of that and here is the second part of the plan. The Home Secretary, Pretty Usless needs to turn her coast guard boats around and fetch more immigrants over the channel. The only qualifying test will be can they lift big stones.

They will be granted British Citizenship automatically after the have lifted 10,000 big stones. The stones will be quarried from Ben Nevis, which is expected to be only 500 feet high when the wall is finished. So Snowden will then be the highest mountain in Great Britain, which is all part of Bodj’s plan to level up Britain.

This is all a throw back from Bodj’s student days at Oxford when he vaguely remembers smoking one of those funny cigarettes and listening to Pink Floyd ——-

“We don’t need no education, we don’t need no thought control,

all in all it’s just another brick in the wall.”

The LAST LAUGH LOONEY PARTY is back just in time to join the Cop26 conference in Glasgow along with the other world leaders and Bodj.

It has been a while, but Prime Minister Bodj was doing such a great job doing daft things he didn’t need any help from the LLLP.

Hopeless Handcock has taken one for the PM and accepted he was responsible for all the mistakes with Coronapop. Shame Bodj forgot to mention the camera he had put in all his cabinet ministers offices so that he could keep an eye on things.

Gove who had a nothing post has been shuffled to Minister of Housing and Floods and wild Fires and tornadoes and snow and droughts and heat-waves. Oh and Scottish unity! That should keep him busy for a while.

Pretty Useless is fighting “them” on the beaches and on the high seas. She is moddeling her ideas on King Canute and declaring a success with every new tide.

Meanwhile Rushi-loads-of-money is spending all the money we haven’t got. He and Bodj are getting on like a house on fire.

THAT THE CATCH UP.

MORE FROM GLASGOW NEXT WEEK

This is the next step in BODJ’s GRAND PLAN. It’s all about the money, which has never been Boris’s strong point. Rushi has been spending it like water and now he has run up £trillions of deb, he has become more popular than anyone.

Boris needs to rescue the Nation from over ambitious politicians and become the most popular one again. So he has come up with his own financial rescue plan. It is all his own work. His very original thoughts. He should have all the credit. Or is that debit? Boris is not quite sure which is which.

Before spending anymore Bodj thinks it is best to save a few Bob, although this is definitely not another austerity plan. Here are the first steps to a GRAND, recovery, levelling-up, building up better, global Britain plan :-

• Scrap HS2. Nobody wants to go to London anymore.
• Scrap Heathrow’s 4th runway. Nobody wants to fly anymore.
• Scrap the new Royal Yacht. Commandeer Phillip Green’s to cover an unpaid tax bill.
• Scrap the BBC grant and the license fee. That’ll teach them!
• Scrap the House of Lards. That will sort them out and save a fortune in expenses.
• Scrap the Regional Governments. Boris can decide everything for everyone.
• Close 50% of all Civil Service departments overnight and the rest of the staff can continue to work from home or MacDonalds if they need to be public facing. Selling off all the offices will save £trillions.
• Close down 50% of prisons and release all criminals not guilty of violent crimes or drug offences. They will be tagged and dressed in pink tutu’s so they can serve out their sentences as apple pickers, potato pickers, fruit pickers and in the winter rubbish pickers. They will have to camp in tents wherever they work.

THAT’S BODJ’S GRAND FINANCIAL PLAN , for now, which should save a few Bob. Until he has another great idea 🤡

Having had some time to think in his recent self-isolation BODJ has come up with a plan to defeat Coronapop. It just needs a tweaking of the rules to how we a live in the future.

Rule No 1 – JAB THE LOT

We need 100 % of people vaccinated for 100% protection. Bodj has always said “we are all in this together”. Anyone who doesn’t want a jab must self- isolate and watch repeats on the TV indefinitely.

RULE No 2 – MASK THE LOT

Everyone must ware a mask when they are outdoors or indoors. Anyone found breaking the Mask Rule will be sent to the Outer Hebrides for a long time.

RULE No 3 – MEET NO MORE THAN 10

Bodj worked this out by counting his fingers and thumbs. It all seemed so obvious.

These three simple rules will have profound implications for the way we all live in the foreseeable future :-

Outdoor Music Festivals will be limited to 10 including the performers. The audience must stay 2 meters apart and not sing or shout. Quiet clapping will be allowed.

Restaurants and bars can open but will be allowed no more than 10 customers at a time, so to make it more financially viable opening times will be extended to 24 hours with a maximum stay of 1 hour.

Night Clubs will be restricted with no singing or shouting or jumping up and down. Dancers must observe 2 metre distances and a maximum of 10 people at a time. That should be fun.

Football matches can restart but without supporters because they just keep shouting inspite of Government experts advice. Teams will be reduced to 10 and no substitutes. The referee can be exempted from the numbers but will have to ware a full hazmat suit. Players hugging after goals are scored will be given an automatic red card, so teams might be quite short of players towards the end of the game.

Similar rules will apply to all other team games. Cricket teams are advised to drop the wicketkeeper, which should result in higher scoring matches. In rugby the rule of ten will probably mean leaving out the front and second row forwards.

BODJ will appear on TV every night to advise on any more rules he thinks of. So we had better hope he doesn’t have to self- isolate again.

Next week Bodj will sort out the economy !

While Bodj was forced to self-isolate recently he had time to think. It’s not something he gets time to do very often, because their is so much to do. People are constantly asking him questions – difficult questions – which he has to bluster his way through. But it is not really working, because his poll ratings are going down and down, He was at the crest of a vaccine wave only a few months ago and now he is in the doldrums again. There is nothing Bodj dislikes more than being disliked,

He has just got too much on and everything is a priority :-

Coronapop – just won’t go away, those experts keep asking for more time, more restrictions, more masks, more social distance and now booster vaccines ! They will never be satisfied.

Global warming – as if is want hot enough already. It’s going to get a lot warmer. and colder and wetter and dryer. The weather can’t make up its mind.

The National Debt – £3 trillion and counting. How did Rushi- loads-a-money get us into this mess ?

Brexit Backlash – this was supposed to be sorted but the Europeans still keep complaining.

Scottish Independence- an unruly and unreliable child. They won’t be happy until Hadrian’s wall is rebuilt.

Immigration – the Scots all want to leave and everybody else can’t wait to get here.

Afghanistan – just when we though it was under control it goes out of control.

NHS waiting lists – 5 million and growing by the day, we are going to need those 40 new hospitals, or was it 10, or 50 by Christmas and where are the staff going to come from?

and

HS2 and Grade inflation and Price inflation and No 10 Interior decoration

and Alpacacide.

Who said “Two priorities are no priority at all” ?

Bodj needs a plan – A GRAND PLAN.

see next weeks thrilling episode.

Boris has a plan which he has been thinking about during the many months of lockdown. He has just got to finalise a few details, like what is it all about; where’s the money going to come from; will his quarrelsome MP’s vote for it and most of all he must have a catchy title so that everyone will know it his his idea.

For the moment he is still using BBBB, which obviously stands for Boris Builds Back Better. The only problem is that nobody knows what that means and that includes Boris. So it is back to the drawing board for a while, but the plan will be published very, very soon. Certainly by the time Coronapop is all over, which will be very, very soon.

We have had our milk delivered to the doorstep every day for the last forty years. A reliable faithful service provided without any fuss or hesitation. Also trust that you would pay at the end of the week. A socially distanced service before anyone had heard of Coronapop. A short handwritten note left in the evening could amend the order and have it on your doorstep, before you are awake the next day. Even better than Amazon Prime and no flurry of Emails or extra delivery costs !

Of course the middle of the night deliverers have changed over the years. Mr. Robinson – our original milkman – retired after a long career never seeing his customers, but trusted and valued by all of them. Since then we have had a steady succession of milkmen still with the same everyday service. A few things have changed – Mr Robinson’s silent, electric milk float was ahead of its time, tip- toeing through the night with no carbon footprint, later it was replaced by a diesel version. We didn’t know about climate change back then, but the cows have a lot to answer for.
The service was enhanced with orange juice and eggs …. and bottled water……….and bread ….. and even more things at Christmas. Every house got a Christmas card and the milkman got a tip.
Sadly it’s a fairytale without a happy ending. Along came a corporate business with great ambitions – Why not take over all the small milkmen? – and create a UK-wide milk empire. Call it “ Milk and More”. Economies of scale; bulk purchase of goods; widen the product offer; centralise the back office administration. I’m not sure Mr. Robinson ever had a back office.
It all went well for a while – there were printed colour glossy brochures of the enhanced product range; the occasional free gift to introduce new lines and even TV adverts ! The administration of all this became more complex and much less personal. The back office was a long way from the front line.

The somebody in the back office had an idea of how to simplify the payment system and get rid of all the small change and notes on the door step. Go on-line with orders a get customers to pay by direct debit. Just one problem – the back office staff had never ever met any customers, so they didn’t know that lots of them were elderly and didn’t trust computers, even if they were on-line in the first place; nor did they like the remoteness of direct debits.
Cancel the milk today was the final note on the doorstep.

That is how “Milk and More” became “Milk and Less”.