LOCK OUT !

Posted on January 31, 2021 by john graham

Last weeks post saw the Last Laugh Looney Party proposing to lock every one in the UK in their houses, to combat the spread of Coronapop.   Now because the R number is not coming down fast enough there is a new change to the rules to stop any more pesky variants of the virus being brought in from abroad.     Which is where it came from in the first place .


The LLLP proposes that from midnight tonight everyone arriving in the UK without a lorry load of vaccine is sent back to where they came from.   They then have to stay away until there is no “R.” in the month, because we have got too much  “R” already.

Celebrities going to their second homes in Monaco or the Caribbean can leave on their private jets whenever they like, but they won’t be allowed back until they have  tested negative ten times; been scrubbed down with disinfectant; been sealed in a anti-virus suit and finally, they will be required to bring back vaccines for 1,000 people and lap top computers for 100 children.     Oh!  And not forgetting PPE for the NHS.    They must then isolate on a remote Scottish island for six months and be lectured to by the always right Ms Sturgen at 9 am each day.

To prevent people from finding their way back illegally in little inflatable boats, the Home Secretary -Pretty Awful – has started to  erect a defensive wall on all the south and east coast beaches which will be patrolled by a  Daily Mail force of Track and Trace volunteers.     She has cunningly code named the wall “Flood defences “ to hide its real purpose of keeping out illegal immigrants.

The Health Secretary – Matt Cockup – has declared the Isle of White as a new  Nightingale Hospital / Detention Camp to be used for anyone who breakers the Covid rules.   Dominic Cummings is appointed as it’s first Chief Executive/ detainee / patient.
The Education Secretary- Gavin-a-bad-day Williamson – will join them on the island to re-educate the in-mates before they become out-mates.

Prime Minister Bodj said the is a ground-breaking, world-beating, moonshot of an idea and he anticipates sending some more of the Cabinet to help soon, no later than the 15th of February, or maybe early Spring, or late Spring, or definitely the Summer probably.

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£1,000 Lock Inn !

Posted on January 24, 2021 by john graham

Coronapop is still raging around the country, in spite of the Governments second lockdown and Bodj’s Churchillian exhortations on TV to “ Fight the virus on the beaches”.    The trouble seems to be that infected people are still going out and not doing as they are instructed by the Test-Track-&-Tracers to “STAY IN”.
The Stay Home Secretary- Pretty Aweful is intending to fine all the law breakers.   That is provided the police can catch them.  Let’s hope they are better at it than their record with other criminals.

In the meantime the Ill-Health Secretary – Matt Cock-up is considering offering people who test positive a £500 bribe to stop in, but he is not clear how this will be enforced.

The Last Laugh Looney Party has a bolder idea.   Now that money is no object, why not make it a bonus prize of £1,000 tax free per week until they test positive again.    Hoards of people will be running to see their GP to get tested and it will only cost a piddling £ billion a week.   Of course there would have to be a guarantee of compliance.     This could be easily achieved by learning from the Chinese and boarding up the houses of infected people after throwing in two weeks supply of Markus Rashford food parcels.   That should get the R number down to Q or even P, in no time at all.

Problem solved !     Everybody tested and after two weeks you have your “Dead or Alive “ answer.    It seemed to work in Wuhan 🤡

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Lost !

Posted on January 17, 2021 by john graham

I am lost in a WordPress fog. As if Coronapop wasn’t bad enough.

What used to be simple yesterday seems to be complicated by an ” upgrade”.

It must be something to do with that horrible little symbol that appeared from nowhere. Origin uncertain rather like Coronapop. Perhaps I need to do “Test, Track and Trace.”

Is there a treatment for or do I need to wait for a vaccine ?

Strange times.

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Alok gets hot seat.

Posted on January 13, 2021 by john graham

My new old friend Alok Sharma is in the news again.     I haven’t heard from him since November last year.  . ( You can see our exchange in the Archive. ).   He was doing sterling work at the Department of Buisness, Work and Energy,  where he did so well at closing down business and eliminating work,  that we didn’t need so much energy.

   As a result of his great success, particularly with energy conservation,  prime Minister Bodj promoted him to a new role leading the way on climate change.   Britain is to host a world conference on climate change in  November this year and Alok has been charged with championing the UK’s leadership role in showing the rest of the world how to do it.  His new official title is President of COP26, so it sounds like he will be putting in a few shifts for the Metropolitan Police from time to time.


So far he is off to a good start, with a little help from Coronapop.

  • No fuel is required for aeroplanes now the sky’s are shut down.
  • Domestic travel is also severely curtailed during the lock down.
  • Cross-border travel has ground to a standstill due to the extra paperwork and the need to test drivers repeatedly.
  • Domestic heating is unnecessary now that windows have to be open 24/7 to ventilate homes.

Alok has another idea too :-

Bodj electric cars will be offered free to the world.

This will revolutionise travel everywhere, especially now that the car has been modified  by Sir James Dyson to run on 4 triple A batteries.   Of course this does limit its range to 550 yards, so you will need to carry some spares until you can get to a corner shop.
A complimentary armoured one is being given to President Biden to cement our ‘special relationship’ with the United States.     Ones are also being offered to all European leaders provided the learn to drive on the right side of the road.

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RED, AMBER, GREEN 🌈

Posted on January 1, 2021 by john graham

Bodj has taken a year to find his stride, but now he has got it all figured out.   Brexit is sorted after a fashion.   A non-detailed Bodj sort of way.

For 2021 he has come up with a brand new driving forward slogan ……………

This is the Bodj ‘Stop Start Stop Start ‘ strategy to keep everybody guessing what his next move will be.    Since Bodj himself doesn’t know what his next move will be until it happens, it seems like a good idea.

So here goes For 2021 :———-

RED.    RED means STOP.   A total lockup, put everybody under house arrest, except we will call it ‘Tier Ten‘ then it won’t sound like we have changed our minds.      It is a National Hibernation, which may become an annual event, if Coronapop comes around every year.   
It will have a firm end date of early Spring , or maybe late Spring, or Easter:  although we may need to put back Easter until the Summer this year.

AMBER.      AMBER means hold on a minute !    In the start of a Cabinet reshuffle,  AMBER RUDD  has been appointed the new Cabinet TRAFFIC CONTROLLER, because of her ability to turn on a sixpence and keep a straight face.

GREEN.    This is for Bodj’s big new world beating announcements for the Green New Year, all designed to get him re-elected for the rest of the century :-

    Only go out in a Boris car,         And not far!

 We are the First Green Family. Follow Karrot’s advice ….

  • HS2 is not needed now that everybody is working from home so we will make it the first National Cycleway and name it GB1 after of great leader.    It can only be used by people riding Boris bikes.
  • The fourth runway at Heathrow was always a problem, especially as it is in Bodj’s constituency.     So now there are no planes flying around, it will be turned into Boris 🥦🥕🥬🥔 Allotments.    ‘Dig for Victory’ as someone once said.

  • The Royal Parks will be turned into Boris Market 🦚💐🍎🍊Gardens.  They will provide Boris free food parcels 🍱 for children everywhere.
  • Hyde Park will be reserved for the Boris National 🐄 Cow Heard.   There will only be one cow because of all the methane and Michael Gove has been the National 👩‍🌾 Cowboy and will look after it.
  • Windsor Castle will become the Boris National 🕊Pidgin Loft which will be overseen by Prince Andrew in his new role as Keeper of Young Birds.  

THERE WILL BE MORE IN BODJ’S NEW GREEN VISION  FOR BRITAIN.

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Last Ditch Coronapop Effort

Posted on December 30, 2020 by john graham

Now that Bodj has solved Brexit he has decided to give the irradication of Coronapop his undivided attention for the last few days of 2020.
Bodj thinks he has found a few little loopholes that all his Cabinet Ministers and all the scientists and epidemiologists and immunologists and every kind of other ologist has missed altogether.

Here are the extra new rules for 2021 :-

  • Anyone who wants to can travel abroad to anywhere that will have them, but they can’t come back.
  • Anyone who has had a Chinese meal between January 2019 and now, must self- isolate for three weeks, then take a test, then get in the back of a lorry and smuggle themselves into France.
  • Anyone who has had a Christmas present marked with ‘made in China’ should burn it immediately and isolate themselves for forty days.   This will probably be almost everyone.
  • Students studying Chinese should complete their course in Wuhan and then emigrate.
  • People who will not commit to going green by 2025 should move to one of the low-lying islands in the Pacific.   Now!
  • All school children will be given free Boris bikes and told to ride around for a year instead of going to school.    The fresh air and exercise will be good for them and prepare them for their low carbon future.
  • Any one whose name is Dominic and has been to Durham recently should move to a remote uninhabited Scottish island and take half the Civil Service with him.
  • All the journalists who have asked awkward questions in Bodj’s zoom conferences and Piers Morgan should go and do live weather reports from Antarctica.
  • Finally, Nicola  Sturgeron and her grumpy Scottish National MP’s should relocate to Rockall and become ‘independent’,  then they can rejoin the European Union.   They won’t need borders, because nobody else will go there.

THAT SHOULD DO IT !

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Bodj, Karrot and Sprout.

Posted on December 26, 2020 by john graham

 

As with every Boxing Day, it is a time for using up all the left-over Christmas vegetables.     At Number 10 it is no different, especially now Carrie has decided that  as the First Family. they should set an example to the whole country,  and the rump of Europe …….. and maybe even the whole world…… by becoming vegetarian.     She was sure that was what Boris ment by going green.

Of course for the New Year, Prime Minister Bodj says there is going to be a New Years resolution like :- “EAT YOUR GREENS”

……… or is that a revolution like :-   “GREEN ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING”

……..or perhaps it could be a revelation like :- “I’M THE JOLLY GREEN GIANT”.

Bodj thinks it’s time for a Cabinet clear out, since they took so long over ‘getting Brexit  done’.    Oh! And that virus thing hasn’t gone away.

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Clutter reset- bank statements

Posted on December 23, 2020 by john graham

I started my decluttering rampage four years ago, although it soon fizzled out into more like a ramble.    Then I slowed to an amble and eventually it became a shambles.   Rather like the story of Brexit.

Take the example of bank statements which I  blogged about 4 years ago on Christmas Day!    ( You can find it by clicking on the Archive for December 2016)    Maybe I didn’t get any presents that year ?
I thought I had sorted all the bank paperwork once and for all and saved another Amazon forest, but I was sadly mistaken.    I declined to bank on line so the  bank statements kept coming and coming and coming.    Now Prime Minister Bodj is having to spend billions of pounds planting trees to combat climate change and it is all my fault !
I didn’t mean to do it.   I have even reluctantly started to use contactless cards, which means I quickly lose track of how much money I have spent.   That’s why I still need the bank statements !

So here I am 4 years on still getting bank statements in the post every month.    I need a new plan :-

  • I could spend all my money and have a big Christmas blow out.
  • I could even over spend, max out my credit cards and almost go bankrupt,   That would seem to be Bodj’s approach.   Certainly there would come a point when I would get no more bank statements !
  • Another option would be to withdraw my money, stuff it under a mattress and close the account.


Decluttering bank statements is becoming a Christmas tradition, A bit like mince pies and games of Monopoly.


🎄 Happy Christmas 🎄

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Many A Slipper. Part Two

Posted on December 20, 2020 by john graham

This post is the sequel to the slipper story in my previous post.

So now due to my wife, Mo’s generosity, I am the proud possessor of two identical pairs of suede slippers.     The light tan pair  for ‘indoor best’ and the brown pair for  walking the 10 yards from the back door to the greenhouse.    Before I change into my gardening shoes.

This does make gardening a bit of a logistical nightmare,  especially when regular cups of tea are needed from the kitchen during a normal gardening day.     Four cups of tea requires 48 shoe changes.    Not surprisingly I sometimes get it wrong and end up with a gardening shoe indoors, or an indoor slipper outdoors.     A sudden April shower driving me quickly in from the garden and the kitchen can look like shoe shop.

Then one day I somehow lost one of my outdoor slippers.   That ment I needed to use one of my ‘best ‘ indoor slippers outdoors.    I knew this would lead to trouble.   Before long my right indoor light tan slipper started to look the colour of my left outdoor slipper.      Now the logistics had gone completely out of the window.

I couldn’t let a few slippers get in the way of my gardening, but I suppose it was inevitable that sooner or late I would loose another of my luxury mules.     It just slipped away quietly and no foot noticed.
Unfortunately,   what I am left with is one indoor light tan luxury left slipper and one outdoor not so luxury brown left slipper.    Still walking like a donkey is easier and Mo always says I have two left feet.

ROLL  ON  CHRISTMAS.

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Many A Slipper.

Posted on December 16, 2020 by john graham

Two years ago my wife Mo gave me a lovely pair of slippers for Christmas.  It wasn’t the only present she gave me, but it was definitely the one I used the most from then on, because they were so comfortable.     They were expensive tan coloured suede, sheep skin, fleece-lined, slip-on slippers.   So much much more fashionable than my grandad style check pattern slippers with the Velcro straps, that I had previously; or the hotel-liberated flip flops that I used to ware around the house.    I wouldn’t be at all surprised if David Beckham hasn’t got a pair.

They took a bit of getting used to because they were mules, which means that you have to grip them with your toes to stop them sliding off.   I  guess that is why they are called mules, because you tended to walk like a donkey with slow plodding steps.     They would be more accurately called slip-offs, than slip-ons.    Still they were my pride and joy, so I threw out all my old unfashionable slippers and give-away flip flops.

That’s when the problem started.    The 10 yards between the kitchen door and the green house.     That is where I keep my gardening shoes.    Obviously I needed to keep my new luxury slippers for ‘best’,  even a step outside was a risk.     Suede does mark very easily, particularly light tan suede.

I did tip toe to the greenhouse extra carefully for almost a whole year, but gardening is a  muddy business especially in the spring.     So it wasn’t long before my new slippers started to get marked. which caused a few glaring glances from Mo, every time I came in from the greenhouse.      You can brush the dirt off the slippers in the summer, but by autumn in the wind and rain, brushing them makes the marks worse.     Just in that 10 yard sprint, my tan slippers became a dark shade of brown.

So what a lovely surprise it was when the very next Christmas Mo gave me another identical pair of luxury tan coloured slippers, with strict instructions that they were ‘indoor’ slippers.     In future, I think slippers might become a regular Christmas present, like pants and socks.

To be continued ………. in the next post.

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