More Junk Mail Please.

Posted on February 21, 2021 by john graham

I have written a lot of posts grumbling about junk mail since I started this blog.       ( You can see my earlier posts by clicking on “GrumbleSmiles Post” in the TagCloud).
Now in the drawn out days of Coronapop  I take it all back.   I have never found junk mail so interesting.     I long for the moment when when the outside world  reconnects with the inside shielding me.     Better still a larger unrequested catalogue of unwanted gifts or gadgets that won’t fit through the letter box.   Then you get the bonus of a knock on the door and a human face.   Shame about the mask and the muffled explanation from across a socially distanced street.

Still, I have something to do for an hour or two in the morning.    Reading about things I didn’t know I wanted.   Forget about the Amazon rain forest that is rapidly disappearing and think about the unique extended reach toenail clippers  that you need now you can’t get down to the floor any more.     Or would I have ever known about the luxury, 6star, all-inclusive Mediterranean cruises that I can book now before it is too late, but may not be able to go on for a year or two …… or ever again.

Perhaps I should buy some stylish wide fitting shoes with 20% off, just in case I can go out again.    Or how about some all new, powerful, non-toxic, all- natural home cleaner that never ever scratches; no home should be without some in these days where germs lurk around every corner.

Without junk mail I have been missing out on all these wondrous products, all because of my negative attitudes towards junk mail.      In the lockdown isolating  Coronapop world, junk mail is becoming a blessing.    GP’s should order it on prescription.     Bodj should make a new rule that everyone should have at least one piece of junk mail a day.

Posted in SMILES | Tagged , | 6 Comments

Pangolin WHO?

Posted on February 14, 2021 by john graham

It is just a few days away from the 10th World Pangolin Day, but should we be celebrating ?
Pangolins had a lot of bad press last year when it was rumoured that they might be the super-spreaders of Coronapop.

This fake news all started in the wet markets of Wuhan last year to divert attention away from the Chinese laboratories which were researching new viruses.     It was a terrible slur on pangolins from which they may never recover.
The WHO are looking into it, although quite why an ageing pop group should be bothered I am not sure.     I suppose they have taken an interest in health issues as they got older and became even more fearful of dying.    Remember that when they were young they were already singing  “I hope I die before I get old”.
Another lyric said “ I’m not trying to cause a big sensation “.   Well they certainly did that alright.  These Coronapop groups have a lot to answer for.

           HAPPY BIRTHDAY PANGOLINS EVERYWHERE !

Posted in SMILES | Tagged , | 4 Comments

If The Cap Fits.

Posted on February 7, 2021 by john graham

The sports pages lately have been full of stories about football players at risk of getting dementia from heading balls.   Almost half of the 1966 World Cup team have suffered from this dreadful disease.
At the same time the rugby community has increasingly been concerned about head injuries.   Rugby quite rightly has gone further than football by introducing protocols on assessments and time-outs.   Nobody in there right mind would wish to reverse this caution, but in future it maybe going too far.

In cricket batsmen have worn helmets for quite a few years now, but they must have been mad in the first place to stand in front of someone throwing a hard ball at you at 90 miles an hour !

Looking back, I think my forgetfulness first started with my school cap.   It was grey with a yellow ring and a peak at the front.   Wearing it backwards was never a possibility!  I hated wearing that cap and as often as I could get away with it, I accidentally left it at home.   That usually ended up with 100 lines ——-  “ I must wear my  cap every day”.       Persistent offences lead to detention and a letter to my parents.
I think that slapping that cap on several times a day, every school day for twelve years could well be the cause of my forgetfulness.   I may have a case against Hereford Road School for cruelty to children.

Posted in SMILES | Tagged | 5 Comments

Geronimo !

Posted on February 3, 2021 by john graham

What’s the password ?

That used to be a key question in my childhood days.   It gained you special access to a secret den  or a select group of friends.    Not everyone new the password,  that was the whole idea.    But most people could guess it, because the answer was always “Geronimo !”.    Still, childhood days and innocent ways were great fun.

Now in the grown up world and more thefty days, things have become darker and there are passwords for just about everything.     Neither can you guess “Geronimo” it doesn’t work anymore.

For your bank card you only need to remember four numbers, which doesn’t sound too difficult and now you have contactless cards you don’t even need a number too often.   Therein lies a problem, because, if you don’t use it you lose it.   That’s how passwords are forgotten.    You can have a try at remembering, but three try’s and your money is locked up in a vault that even the great train robbers cannot get into.   Bring back “Geronimo”.

Getting a new password is not quite so easy either.    You have to ring up your bank and answer some security questions to prove that you are you.    The questions you gave them three years ago and have long since forgotten.    They really don’t want to give you your money back in case you are trying to rob yourself.

But passwords don’t stop at bank doors.   We now have passwords for many more things and “Geronimo” doesn’t work for them either.   Log onto a website to buy some plants from a nursery and you have to have a six digit code to register your interest.    “Geroni” should work until they tell you you need to include a number.    “Geron7” ought to do the job.   But it doesn’t because you also have to use a ? or a ! or even an &.     So how about “Ger&r7”.     Nobody is going to guess that!    Nor will you ever remember it.

Posted in SMILES | 3 Comments

LOCK OUT !

Posted on January 31, 2021 by john graham

Last weeks post saw the Last Laugh Looney Party proposing to lock every one in the UK in their houses, to combat the spread of Coronapop.   Now because the R number is not coming down fast enough there is a new change to the rules to stop any more pesky variants of the virus being brought in from abroad.     Which is where it came from in the first place .


The LLLP proposes that from midnight tonight everyone arriving in the UK without a lorry load of vaccine is sent back to where they came from.   They then have to stay away until there is no “R.” in the month, because we have got too much  “R” already.

Celebrities going to their second homes in Monaco or the Caribbean can leave on their private jets whenever they like, but they won’t be allowed back until they have  tested negative ten times; been scrubbed down with disinfectant; been sealed in a anti-virus suit and finally, they will be required to bring back vaccines for 1,000 people and lap top computers for 100 children.     Oh!  And not forgetting PPE for the NHS.    They must then isolate on a remote Scottish island for six months and be lectured to by the always right Ms Sturgen at 9 am each day.

To prevent people from finding their way back illegally in little inflatable boats, the Home Secretary -Pretty Awful – has started to  erect a defensive wall on all the south and east coast beaches which will be patrolled by a  Daily Mail force of Track and Trace volunteers.     She has cunningly code named the wall “Flood defences “ to hide its real purpose of keeping out illegal immigrants.

The Health Secretary – Matt Cockup – has declared the Isle of White as a new  Nightingale Hospital / Detention Camp to be used for anyone who breakers the Covid rules.   Dominic Cummings is appointed as it’s first Chief Executive/ detainee / patient.
The Education Secretary- Gavin-a-bad-day Williamson – will join them on the island to re-educate the in-mates before they become out-mates.

Prime Minister Bodj said the is a ground-breaking, world-beating, moonshot of an idea and he anticipates sending some more of the Cabinet to help soon, no later than the 15th of February, or maybe early Spring, or late Spring, or definitely the Summer probably.

Posted in SMILES | Tagged , | 4 Comments

£1,000 Lock Inn !

Posted on January 24, 2021 by john graham

Coronapop is still raging around the country, in spite of the Governments second lockdown and Bodj’s Churchillian exhortations on TV to “ Fight the virus on the beaches”.    The trouble seems to be that infected people are still going out and not doing as they are instructed by the Test-Track-&-Tracers to “STAY IN”.
The Stay Home Secretary- Pretty Aweful is intending to fine all the law breakers.   That is provided the police can catch them.  Let’s hope they are better at it than their record with other criminals.

In the meantime the Ill-Health Secretary – Matt Cock-up is considering offering people who test positive a £500 bribe to stop in, but he is not clear how this will be enforced.

The Last Laugh Looney Party has a bolder idea.   Now that money is no object, why not make it a bonus prize of £1,000 tax free per week until they test positive again.    Hoards of people will be running to see their GP to get tested and it will only cost a piddling £ billion a week.   Of course there would have to be a guarantee of compliance.     This could be easily achieved by learning from the Chinese and boarding up the houses of infected people after throwing in two weeks supply of Markus Rashford food parcels.   That should get the R number down to Q or even P, in no time at all.

Problem solved !     Everybody tested and after two weeks you have your “Dead or Alive “ answer.    It seemed to work in Wuhan 🤡

Tagged , , | 7 Comments

Lost !

Posted on January 17, 2021 by john graham

I am lost in a WordPress fog. As if Coronapop wasn’t bad enough.

What used to be simple yesterday seems to be complicated by an ” upgrade”.

It must be something to do with that horrible little symbol that appeared from nowhere. Origin uncertain rather like Coronapop. Perhaps I need to do “Test, Track and Trace.”

Is there a treatment for or do I need to wait for a vaccine ?

Strange times.

6 Comments

Alok gets hot seat.

Posted on January 13, 2021 by john graham

My new old friend Alok Sharma is in the news again.     I haven’t heard from him since November last year.  . ( You can see our exchange in the Archive. ).   He was doing sterling work at the Department of Buisness, Work and Energy,  where he did so well at closing down business and eliminating work,  that we didn’t need so much energy.

   As a result of his great success, particularly with energy conservation,  prime Minister Bodj promoted him to a new role leading the way on climate change.   Britain is to host a world conference on climate change in  November this year and Alok has been charged with championing the UK’s leadership role in showing the rest of the world how to do it.  His new official title is President of COP26, so it sounds like he will be putting in a few shifts for the Metropolitan Police from time to time.


So far he is off to a good start, with a little help from Coronapop.

  • No fuel is required for aeroplanes now the sky’s are shut down.
  • Domestic travel is also severely curtailed during the lock down.
  • Cross-border travel has ground to a standstill due to the extra paperwork and the need to test drivers repeatedly.
  • Domestic heating is unnecessary now that windows have to be open 24/7 to ventilate homes.

Alok has another idea too :-

Bodj electric cars will be offered free to the world.

This will revolutionise travel everywhere, especially now that the car has been modified  by Sir James Dyson to run on 4 triple A batteries.   Of course this does limit its range to 550 yards, so you will need to carry some spares until you can get to a corner shop.
A complimentary armoured one is being given to President Biden to cement our ‘special relationship’ with the United States.     Ones are also being offered to all European leaders provided the learn to drive on the right side of the road.

Tagged , | 2 Comments

RED, AMBER, GREEN 🌈

Posted on January 1, 2021 by john graham

Bodj has taken a year to find his stride, but now he has got it all figured out.   Brexit is sorted after a fashion.   A non-detailed Bodj sort of way.

For 2021 he has come up with a brand new driving forward slogan ……………

This is the Bodj ‘Stop Start Stop Start ‘ strategy to keep everybody guessing what his next move will be.    Since Bodj himself doesn’t know what his next move will be until it happens, it seems like a good idea.

So here goes For 2021 :———-

RED.    RED means STOP.   A total lockup, put everybody under house arrest, except we will call it ‘Tier Ten‘ then it won’t sound like we have changed our minds.      It is a National Hibernation, which may become an annual event, if Coronapop comes around every year.   
It will have a firm end date of early Spring , or maybe late Spring, or Easter:  although we may need to put back Easter until the Summer this year.

AMBER.      AMBER means hold on a minute !    In the start of a Cabinet reshuffle,  AMBER RUDD  has been appointed the new Cabinet TRAFFIC CONTROLLER, because of her ability to turn on a sixpence and keep a straight face.

GREEN.    This is for Bodj’s big new world beating announcements for the Green New Year, all designed to get him re-elected for the rest of the century :-

    Only go out in a Boris car,         And not far!

 We are the First Green Family. Follow Karrot’s advice ….

  • HS2 is not needed now that everybody is working from home so we will make it the first National Cycleway and name it GB1 after of great leader.    It can only be used by people riding Boris bikes.
  • The fourth runway at Heathrow was always a problem, especially as it is in Bodj’s constituency.     So now there are no planes flying around, it will be turned into Boris 🥦🥕🥬🥔 Allotments.    ‘Dig for Victory’ as someone once said.

  • The Royal Parks will be turned into Boris Market 🦚💐🍎🍊Gardens.  They will provide Boris free food parcels 🍱 for children everywhere.
  • Hyde Park will be reserved for the Boris National 🐄 Cow Heard.   There will only be one cow because of all the methane and Michael Gove has been the National 👩‍🌾 Cowboy and will look after it.
  • Windsor Castle will become the Boris National 🕊Pidgin Loft which will be overseen by Prince Andrew in his new role as Keeper of Young Birds.  

THERE WILL BE MORE IN BODJ’S NEW GREEN VISION  FOR BRITAIN.

Posted in SMILES | Tagged , | 8 Comments

Last Ditch Coronapop Effort

Posted on December 30, 2020 by john graham

Now that Bodj has solved Brexit he has decided to give the irradication of Coronapop his undivided attention for the last few days of 2020.
Bodj thinks he has found a few little loopholes that all his Cabinet Ministers and all the scientists and epidemiologists and immunologists and every kind of other ologist has missed altogether.

Here are the extra new rules for 2021 :-

  • Anyone who wants to can travel abroad to anywhere that will have them, but they can’t come back.
  • Anyone who has had a Chinese meal between January 2019 and now, must self- isolate for three weeks, then take a test, then get in the back of a lorry and smuggle themselves into France.
  • Anyone who has had a Christmas present marked with ‘made in China’ should burn it immediately and isolate themselves for forty days.   This will probably be almost everyone.
  • Students studying Chinese should complete their course in Wuhan and then emigrate.
  • People who will not commit to going green by 2025 should move to one of the low-lying islands in the Pacific.   Now!
  • All school children will be given free Boris bikes and told to ride around for a year instead of going to school.    The fresh air and exercise will be good for them and prepare them for their low carbon future.
  • Any one whose name is Dominic and has been to Durham recently should move to a remote uninhabited Scottish island and take half the Civil Service with him.
  • All the journalists who have asked awkward questions in Bodj’s zoom conferences and Piers Morgan should go and do live weather reports from Antarctica.
  • Finally, Nicola  Sturgeron and her grumpy Scottish National MP’s should relocate to Rockall and become ‘independent’,  then they can rejoin the European Union.   They won’t need borders, because nobody else will go there.

THAT SHOULD DO IT !

Posted in SMILES | Tagged , | 3 Comments