Last Laugh Looney Party Reborn !

Posted on March 10, 2019 by john graham

This is the sequel to my last post and the start of a whole new political era in the Last Laugh Looney Party UK.    Or as it is more commonly called the UP-EM-ALL-PARTY 😀 😀😀😀

The first step will be to encourage more resignations from the current political parties.   This will be done in the traditional way of appealing to MPs’ egos and their pockets.    All the defectors from either main party will be offered Ministerial positions in the new Government, if the LLLP is successful at the soon-to-be upcoming General Election.   Each new Minister will have a car and a chauffeur and an important red box and six paid Ministerial Aides, (which could be their family and friends) and a Ministerial title of their own choosing.    This may well mean we have several Chancellor’s of the Exchequer and probably twenty or thirty Overseas Aid Ministers, who will jet about saving the world with our money.

There could also be some surprising new positions:-   Mr Corbinista, Minister for Manholes;  Mrs MaybeMaybenot, Minister for Designer Shoes;  Mr Boris Johnstoned, Minister for Hairdressers;   Mr Michael Goad, Minister for Rubbish one day and Climate Change the next or any thing that will keep him in the headlines.    These are just a few of the roles they could fulfil in a new Government.

The smaller party’s are not included in this offer, they can just continue arguing amongst themselves.   They will have exclusive use of the debating chamber because all the Ministers will be out and about in their shiny new cars and on frequent foreign trips.

Of course this is all fantasy, there won’t really be hundreds of new Ministers, that was just a politician’s promise that the LLLP never intended to keep once it got into office 🤡.     There won’t even be many politicians, since one of the first moves of the LLLP will be to slim down Parliament.   The House Of Lords will become the House of Lord and that’s me.  The House of Commons will have just two MP’s, one for everything and one against everything, and I, as the Chief Lord will have the casting vote.   That way it will be very democratic !

Long live the UP-EM-ALL-PARTY !

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LLLP Cabinet Resignation !

Posted on March 3, 2019 by john graham

A few years ago the Last Laugh Loony Party were asked by Prime Minister MaybeMaybenot to help with the Brexit negotiations.    Now that task is almost complete and she has reached a truly Looney solution, which is to have no solution at all.  It is completely clear that the LLLP has done the job.    Both sides of the political divide are at odds with each other and with themselves.

The E.U. negotiators couldn’t have been more helpful or more unhelpful every step of the way.   Mr Junket’s pronouncements only served to inflame the situation with each new position.    Ably-assisted by French President Macceroni pompously throwing in his sixth pennarth  every now and again, or should that be six euros 😀

Back in Britain, the resignations have started in Parliament in both the Conservative and Labour Parties.     They are jumping ship before the ship sinks, but they don’t yet have another ship to jump onto.   Is this an opportunity for the LLLP seize control ?    Maybe /maybe not.   The cabinet leavers are rudderless – they don’t know where they are going –  and leaderless.   It is a prefect LLLP political storm 😈

The headline news tomorrow will be :-

“ The LLLP  resigns from the Cabinet and forms a new coilition !”

Watch this space……………. for more resignations .

 

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Rubbish Bins 3

Posted on February 24, 2019 by john graham

This is the third blog in the series of posts about bins and rubbish.   A key question to ask is “what is the difference between clutter and rubbish?”   It occurs to me that one mans clutter is another man’s rubbish.   I say man, because women are generally much tidier than men.

If we could only link up all the hoarders of clutter with the rubbish collectors, we would have a lot less rubbish to dispose of.

But really we need a much more radical solution, so I thought the Last Laugh Looney Party may have some ideas :-

  • Maybe we could insist that manufacturers collect all the excess packaging their goods arrive in and also pick the product when it expires.    Very quickly there would be a lot less wrapping going on and products would be made to last a lot longer.
  • Littering could be made a criminal offence, including any waste you were thinking of throwing out.   Bin collections by Local Authorities would no longer be necessary.    Convicted offenders could be sentenced to collect 10 times the weight of waste they threw away.
  • Or we could build one great big giant rubbish mountain, say somewhere in the Scottish Highlands, where it won’t offend too many people.    They should have voted for the LLLP instead of SNP 🙂.    Eventually it could be turned into a tourist attraction with ski lifts and artificial snow.  The methane from it could be used to give free energy to the Scots to compensate them for all the smell when the wind blows southwards.
  • How about if we sent all of the worlds rubbish into space.   A rubbish cloud over the north and south poles might act like a solar shield.    It could fill up the holes in the ozone layer and eliminate the problem of global warming.

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Rubbish Bins 2

Posted on February 17, 2019 by john graham

Where does all the rubbish go?

Maybe the Pig Bins really do go to pigs.   That used to be the case, but after outbreaks of swine fever, that has all been stopped.    So who is eating it now ?   Maybe a pop-up restaurant or a quickly moving on roadside cafe.

The garden bins are made into compost and sold back to gardeners.  This is a clever bit of commercial enterprise by the Council.  You might even say it was downright cheek, since they now charge extra for having garden bins in the first place.   You could of course have a compost heap in your garden and save the Council doing all that running around.

The wonderful recycling bin, with its shiny bright blue lid, sucks in everything like a black hole.   In turn it creates hundreds of jobs for sorters.  Paper sorters, cardboard sorters, plastic sorters, bottle sorters,  metal collectors and sorters for all the left overs.   Of course we don’t do that sorting in our country, we send recycled waste to be sorted halfway around the world, so someone else can do the messy job.  The carbon footprint of transporting the rubbish by supertanker to the sorting hubs in the third world, probably contributes more to global warming.  But hey, who cares, it enables the politicians and the local councils to claim that they are doing their bit to save the environment.

Finally, the general waste is reluctantly sent to landfill.  Obviously over time, as we all get much more efficient at eliminating general waste, there may be nothing left to fill all the 10,000 holes in Blackburn, Lancashire.

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Rubbish Bins

Posted on February 10, 2019 by john graham

Once upon a time we all had one small rubbish bin which was emptied by the Council every week.   No fuss, no guidelines and no worries.   It just happened.

Now that’s all changed.    We are all environmentally friendly and expected to save the world from sinking under the weight of all out waste.     Who could possibly disagree with that ?

So now we have 5 bins !    One for food waste, otherwise known as the “pig bin”, although I doubt if the pigs get to eat any of our left overs.   Two for garden waste, because bonfires in the garden are not good for global warming, nor the nextdoor neighbour’s washing on the line.    Then there is the most virtuous bin, the recycling bin.     This is the one that Councils are most proud of.    So much so, that they display big signs saying what percentage  of waste they have recycled each week.    Finally there is the bin you are now almost ashamed to put out on the street, the general waste bin.    This is only collected every three weeks, though I don’t doubt that someone in the Council is already thinking about extending it to annual collections once the populous have been fully re-educated about the evils of waste.

There is just one niggle in my mind about all this effort we are putting in to sifting and sorting the rubbish in our lives.   What exactly are the Councils doing with all this rubbish?

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Freeezzing Rain!

Posted on February 3, 2019 by john graham

Today we are going to get frreeeeezzinng rain.

Not the sort we’ve ever had before,

But, slipping and sliding rain.

That makes you do the splits,

Or even break your hips, or leg or arm.

That paints the pavements with invisible ice.

and weighs the tree branches down til they break,

and fall on your head.

 

“Its going to be dangerous out there,”

so says the weatherman’s scare.

Hospitals are on ‘Red Alert ‘.

Ambulances already revving up at the starting line.

Stockpiles of plaster casts, crutches and wheelchairs,

queueing in the expectant corridors.

 

No need to go out in this,

stay in and watch the tele.

Wait for the news of ambulance queues,

outside in the A & E car park,

Because the corridors are all blocked with medical clutter

And there’s no room for patients.

 

Years later there will be an enquiry report.

The weather forecast was wrong.

The rain didn’t freeezzee

and nobody sneeezzzed.

 

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“EUEXIT”

Posted on January 27, 2019 by john graham

Our political system is completely BANJAXED by our squabbling political parties.   Following on from my last blog, the LLLP has decided it is best to go it alone and unilaterally declare independence from the European Union and also from what’s left of Once Great Britain.  (This is consistant with our original manifesto which was published May 2017.  You will find it if you click on May 2017 in the archive).

Our deadline for this taking effect is the 1st of April and there will be no payment of exit fees.   This almost certainly means we will be sued by the European Court of Unjustice, but with the help of a few elderly lawyers we can drag the case on till long after we are all gone 🙂

The Last Laugh Looney Island Republic headquarters will be based in the tax haven of the Channel Islands.   So there will be no tax to pay !   Just like Amazon, who incidentally will be our new supplier of everything, since the EU will no doubt immediately impose sanctions on the LLLIR.

There’s a brave new world out there for older people, who will be young again with their hard-earned wealth and freedom in the newly founded Last Laugh Looney Island Republic. Our resolution to do this was fortified by a recent report in The Times which carried the headline —- “One in five pensioners is a millionaire”.

The report was commenting on an Office of National Statistics analysis of average household wealth, based on figures from 2016.  I find it quite hard to believe that we have so many millionaires in our country and that the elderly are so well off.  Of course this is an average figures which means there are many people with multi-million pound houses, mainly in London and the South East of England.  The other problem is that the majority of most peoples’ wealth is locked up in their houses.  The good news is if they move to the LLLP Island Republic, they will be renting their new homes and be able to use all of their accumulated wealth to build themselves a new lifestyle.  The report estimates that the total wealth of people over 65 averaged £1.1m each.  The combined total is £4.7 TRILLION.

This should be enough for a few luxury meals out so that they no longer have to rely on meals-on-wheels.  No doubt many of them will also want to travel and the Island Republic will surely become “cruise central”.

At least for the elderly then, this endless talk of BREXIT will be a thing of the past.

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Internet Sensation !

Posted on January 21, 2019 by john graham

For all my subscribers who receive my blog post by Email you may have seen that an advert has appeared on my last post claiming to sponsor it.    It is rather surprising because I have never heard of the product.

Still I expect the royalties will start rolling in any minute now 🙂

The advert is for beauty and fitness products, so I can perfectly well understand why they chose me to endorse their goods, rather than David Beckham.     I would not be at all surprised if they don’t ask me to star in the TV ads as well.

This could be the start of a whole new chapter in my later life.   It might go global, or viral.  In no time at all I could be world wide blogging billionaire with millions, no zillions of followers !

Free cars, free hotels, maybe my own TV show on the shopping channels.   I wonder if I should get an agent and a PR man and a personal stylist and a bodyguard or two.

Perhaps I am getting ahead of myself.    I haven’t received any commission just yet.

Oh and I would not recommend you buying any of the products, they might bring you out in SPOTS !

 

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European Last Laugh Goodbye

Posted on January 20, 2019 by john graham

The Last Laugh Looney Party secret European project is finally reaching a conclusion.

Back in July 2017 I posted a blog about the LLLP and it’s “ISLAND” Project to gradually take over the islands around the British Isles, as a trade off with the European Union and the British Government for helping to solve Brexit.  You can see my earlier blogs by clicking on LLLP in the TAG CLOUD.

After some initial success at the start of the negotiations, the LLLP decided to take more of a back seat.  This was because it became obvious that there were already enough loonies in the cabinet.   After two years of lots of talking, but not a lot of listening, Mr Junket – the European Chief Non-Negotiator, Mrs Miserable Merkle – the German We’re All Right Jack Prime Minister, Mr Macarony – the French President of Haute Cuisine and Mrs MaybeMaybenot all fell for hook, line and sinker for the LLLP strategy for creating mayhem at every opportunity.   Especially the sinker bit.

Many MP’s have already started to jump ship, including all of the Democratic Unionist Party, who have agreed to allow Northern “ISLAND” to become part of the LLLP Island Republic, providing the LLLP digs a canal between them and Ireland.   Half of Scotland is also thinking that way too, so they have already started to rebuild Hadrians Wall and man it with raging Billy Connolly’s .   Wales already has Offas Dyke which they plan to flood with water from the River Severn.

Mrs MaybeMaybenot will still be in charge of the British Isle, which will only comprise England.   All the other parts of Britain, who voted to remain part of the European Union, will now become part of the LLLP Island Republic.

All this will happen by 30 March or at the latest, 1 April.

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Eating the Clutter Elephant

Posted on January 13, 2019 by john graham
  • This is my first progress report on my 2019 decluttering plan.  The first thing to say is as of yet I haven’t decluttered anything but I need to start out with a strategy and a plan.  So here goes:-c

Strategy

  • We only need a maximum of one years supply of anything;
  • But, we don’t need a years supply of everything;
  • Nothing should remain in a box for more than one year;
  • That will give us lots of storage space and lots of boxes to throw away;
  • Then we will have more space in the home.

Plan

  • Empty wardrobe boxes of clothes not worn for a year;
  • Turn around winter / summer wardrobe, taking stuff off rails and into empty boxes;
  • Give away clothes not used in the last year to charity shop;
  • Throw last years’ paperwork away, one file at a time;
  • File in-tray paperwork into now emptied files;
  • Burn old bank paperwork and invoices.
  • Throw yesterdays papers away TODAY

 

FIRST PROGRESS REPORT.  “NOT MUCH PROGRESS”

1 am obviously better at talking about it than doing it.   Still I have a chance of catching up in the next few weeks

P. S.    I have got rid of all the Christmas wrapping paper and a heap of cardboard before it had time to become clutter.   That’s ‘preventative de-cluttering’ I suppose.

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