GrumbleSmiles

RED, AMBER, GREEN 🌈

Posted on January 1, 2021 by john graham

Bodj has taken a year to find his stride, but now he has got it all figured out. Brexit is sorted after a fashion. A non-detailed Bodj sort of way.

For 2021 he has come up with a brand new driving forward slogan ……………

This is the Bodj ‘Stop Start Stop Start ‘ strategy to keep everybody guessing what his next move will be. Since Bodj himself doesn’t know what his next move will be until it happens, it seems like a good idea.

So here goes For 2021 :———-

RED. RED means STOP. A total lockup, put everybody under house arrest, except we will call it ‘Tier Ten‘ then it won’t sound like we have changed our minds. It is a National Hibernation, which may become an annual event, if Coronapop comes around every year.
It will have a firm end date of early Spring , or maybe late Spring, or Easter: although we may need to put back Easter until the Summer this year.

AMBER. AMBER means hold on a minute ! In the start of a Cabinet reshuffle, AMBER RUDD has been appointed the new Cabinet TRAFFIC CONTROLLER, because of her ability to turn on a sixpence and keep a straight face.

GREEN. This is for Bodj’s big new world beating announcements for the Green New Year, all designed to get him re-elected for the rest of the century :-

Only go out in a Boris car, And not far!

We are the First Green Family. Follow Karrot’s advice ….

HS2 is not needed now that everybody is working from home so we will make it the first National Cycleway and name it GB1 after of great leader. It can only be used by people riding Boris bikes.
The fourth runway at Heathrow was always a problem, especially as it is in Bodj’s constituency. So now there are no planes flying around, it will be turned into Boris 🥦🥕🥬🥔 Allotments. ‘Dig for Victory’ as someone once said.
The Royal Parks will be turned into Boris Market 🦚💐🍎🍊Gardens. They will provide Boris free food parcels 🍱 for children everywhere.
Hyde Park will be reserved for the Boris National 🐄 Cow Heard. There will only be one cow because of all the methane and Michael Gove has been the National 👩‍🌾 Cowboy and will look after it.
Windsor Castle will become the Boris National 🕊Pidgin Loft which will be overseen by Prince Andrew in his new role as Keeper of Young Birds.

THERE WILL BE MORE IN BODJ’S NEW GREEN VISION FOR BRITAIN.

Posted in SMILES | Tagged “Coronapop “, BODJ | 8 Comments

Last Ditch Coronapop Effort

Posted on December 30, 2020 by john graham

Now that Bodj has solved Brexit he has decided to give the irradication of Coronapop his undivided attention for the last few days of 2020.
Bodj thinks he has found a few little loopholes that all his Cabinet Ministers and all the scientists and epidemiologists and immunologists and every kind of other ologist has missed altogether.

Here are the extra new rules for 2021 :-

Anyone who wants to can travel abroad to anywhere that will have them, but they can’t come back.
Anyone who has had a Chinese meal between January 2019 and now, must self- isolate for three weeks, then take a test, then get in the back of a lorry and smuggle themselves into France.
Anyone who has had a Christmas present marked with ‘made in China’ should burn it immediately and isolate themselves for forty days. This will probably be almost everyone.
Students studying Chinese should complete their course in Wuhan and then emigrate.
People who will not commit to going green by 2025 should move to one of the low-lying islands in the Pacific. Now!
All school children will be given free Boris bikes and told to ride around for a year instead of going to school. The fresh air and exercise will be good for them and prepare them for their low carbon future.
Any one whose name is Dominic and has been to Durham recently should move to a remote uninhabited Scottish island and take half the Civil Service with him.
All the journalists who have asked awkward questions in Bodj’s zoom conferences and Piers Morgan should go and do live weather reports from Antarctica.
Finally, Nicola Sturgeron and her grumpy Scottish National MP’s should relocate to Rockall and become ‘independent’, then they can rejoin the European Union. They won’t need borders, because nobody else will go there.

THAT SHOULD DO IT !

Posted in SMILES | Tagged “Coronapop “, BODJ | 3 Comments

Bodj, Karrot and Sprout.

Posted on December 26, 2020 by john graham

As with every Boxing Day, it is a time for using up all the left-over Christmas vegetables. At Number 10 it is no different, especially now Carrie has decided that as the First Family. they should set an example to the whole country, and the rump of Europe …….. and maybe even the whole world…… by becoming vegetarian. She was sure that was what Boris ment by going green.

Of course for the New Year, Prime Minister Bodj says there is going to be a New Years resolution like :- “EAT YOUR GREENS”

……… or is that a revolution like :- “GREEN ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING”

……..or perhaps it could be a revelation like :- “I’M THE JOLLY GREEN GIANT”.

Bodj thinks it’s time for a Cabinet clear out, since they took so long over ‘getting Brexit done’. Oh! And that virus thing hasn’t gone away.

Tagged BODJ | 3 Comments

Clutter reset- bank statements

Posted on December 23, 2020 by john graham

I started my decluttering rampage four years ago, although it soon fizzled out into more like a ramble. Then I slowed to an amble and eventually it became a shambles. Rather like the story of Brexit.

Take the example of bank statements which I blogged about 4 years ago on Christmas Day! ( You can find it by clicking on the Archive for December 2016) Maybe I didn’t get any presents that year ?
I thought I had sorted all the bank paperwork once and for all and saved another Amazon forest, but I was sadly mistaken. I declined to bank on line so the bank statements kept coming and coming and coming. Now Prime Minister Bodj is having to spend billions of pounds planting trees to combat climate change and it is all my fault !
I didn’t mean to do it. I have even reluctantly started to use contactless cards, which means I quickly lose track of how much money I have spent. That’s why I still need the bank statements !

So here I am 4 years on still getting bank statements in the post every month. I need a new plan :-

I could spend all my money and have a big Christmas blow out.
I could even over spend, max out my credit cards and almost go bankrupt, That would seem to be Bodj’s approach. Certainly there would come a point when I would get no more bank statements !
Another option would be to withdraw my money, stuff it under a mattress and close the account.

Decluttering bank statements is becoming a Christmas tradition, A bit like mince pies and games of Monopoly.

🎄 Happy Christmas 🎄

Tagged Clutter | 6 Comments

Many A Slipper. Part Two

Posted on December 20, 2020 by john graham

This post is the sequel to the slipper story in my previous post.

So now due to my wife, Mo’s generosity, I am the proud possessor of two identical pairs of suede slippers. The light tan pair for ‘indoor best’ and the brown pair for walking the 10 yards from the back door to the greenhouse. Before I change into my gardening shoes.

This does make gardening a bit of a logistical nightmare, especially when regular cups of tea are needed from the kitchen during a normal gardening day. Four cups of tea requires 48 shoe changes. Not surprisingly I sometimes get it wrong and end up with a gardening shoe indoors, or an indoor slipper outdoors. A sudden April shower driving me quickly in from the garden and the kitchen can look like shoe shop.

Then one day I somehow lost one of my outdoor slippers. That ment I needed to use one of my ‘best ‘ indoor slippers outdoors. I knew this would lead to trouble. Before long my right indoor light tan slipper started to look the colour of my left outdoor slipper. Now the logistics had gone completely out of the window.

I couldn’t let a few slippers get in the way of my gardening, but I suppose it was inevitable that sooner or late I would loose another of my luxury mules. It just slipped away quietly and no foot noticed.
Unfortunately, what I am left with is one indoor light tan luxury left slipper and one outdoor not so luxury brown left slipper. Still walking like a donkey is easier and Mo always says I have two left feet.

ROLL ON CHRISTMAS.

Posted in SMILES | 3 Comments

Many A Slipper.

Posted on December 16, 2020 by john graham

Two years ago my wife Mo gave me a lovely pair of slippers for Christmas. It wasn’t the only present she gave me, but it was definitely the one I used the most from then on, because they were so comfortable. They were expensive tan coloured suede, sheep skin, fleece-lined, slip-on slippers. So much much more fashionable than my grandad style check pattern slippers with the Velcro straps, that I had previously; or the hotel-liberated flip flops that I used to ware around the house. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if David Beckham hasn’t got a pair.

They took a bit of getting used to because they were mules, which means that you have to grip them with your toes to stop them sliding off. I guess that is why they are called mules, because you tended to walk like a donkey with slow plodding steps. They would be more accurately called slip-offs, than slip-ons. Still they were my pride and joy, so I threw out all my old unfashionable slippers and give-away flip flops.

That’s when the problem started. The 10 yards between the kitchen door and the green house. That is where I keep my gardening shoes. Obviously I needed to keep my new luxury slippers for ‘best’, even a step outside was a risk. Suede does mark very easily, particularly light tan suede.

I did tip toe to the greenhouse extra carefully for almost a whole year, but gardening is a muddy business especially in the spring. So it wasn’t long before my new slippers started to get marked. which caused a few glaring glances from Mo, every time I came in from the greenhouse. You can brush the dirt off the slippers in the summer, but by autumn in the wind and rain, brushing them makes the marks worse. Just in that 10 yard sprint, my tan slippers became a dark shade of brown.

So what a lovely surprise it was when the very next Christmas Mo gave me another identical pair of luxury tan coloured slippers, with strict instructions that they were ‘indoor’ slippers. In future, I think slippers might become a regular Christmas present, like pants and socks.

To be continued ………. in the next post.

4 Comments

A Fair Bet ?

Posted on December 13, 2020 by john graham

Right now everyone in Government is focussed on the two big issues of the day, either Coronapop or Brexit. Well almost everyone.

The Rt Hon Oliver Dowden, the Minister for Digital,Culture, Media And Sport is looking into betting. He is considering banning betting companies from sponsoring sports clubs. He has clearly lost lots of sleep over this. No matter that sports clubs are strapped for cash right now. Dowden is pressing ahead.

The key question is where do you stop with banning betting ?

Should we ban Christmas raffles ?
A £5 bet on the Grand National ?
A £10 bet on the Grand National ?
What about bingo ?
Or if your posh enough and have dosh enough you could try your luck on the roulette wheel ?
Premium Bonds ?
The national Lottery ?
Stocks and shares ?

It is all a form of betting. Where do you stop ? Do you gamble responsibly ? What on earth does that mean ?

No doubt sports Minister, Nigel Huddleston, will tell us what we can do, when he has concluded his investigation. Because of all the lost tax revenues if betting were banned I don’t expect anything much to change.

But I wouldn’t bet your shirt on it !

3 Comments

Useless Eustace

Posted on December 9, 2020 by john graham

The Government are beginning to look ahead to the blue sky of the future beyond Coronapop and Brexit. The land of milk and honey just over the horizon.

The first appointed spokesman to bring some cheer to farmers everywhere is a happy little fruit farmer from Cornwall, who also happens to be the Secretary of State for the Department of Environment, Food and Rural Affaires. The Honourable George Eustace MP. ( I wrote about George in a earlier blog which you can find in the Archive – 16 August 2020 ).
I suggested that his Department be scrapped in order to save £2.1 billion since most of our food was imported. Obviously George didn’t agree with me and has come back with a counter proposal to spend an extra £2.4 billion !

George is not too bothered about food, he is more interested in re-wilding the countryside. His subsidies will go toward planting more trees, millions of them, maybe even zillions. An Amazon forest in the heart of England. Then there are the sparrows to think about – 13 million of them have been wiped out in the last 10 years. George is really upset about the sparrows. He has plans to protect the hedges and get the sparrows back and the hedgehogs and field mice. Oh! And red squirrels and a few family friendly wolves.

But, the best and most innovative aspect of George’s Grand Plan is to use beavers to build dams all along our rivers to stop them flooding everywhere. “This is free labour and I am sure it will work”, George told the BBC.

Unfortunately George forgot that farming is about food, but at least the wild animals will be happy, while we all starve in a re-wilder nature reserve !

P.S. Watch out George, it is just a matter of time before an animal rights group decides that this will be slavery for beavers and asks for beavers to be included in the Modern Slavery Act …. or at least be paid the National Minimum Wage for their damming work.

Posted in SMILES | 4 Comments

Barring Barristers.

Posted on December 6, 2020 by john graham

Thanks to Coronapop waiting lists are getting longer and longer. This is not just in health care settings, but also in our Courts of Justice. People are being denied justice which is obviously unjust. There are 51,000 alleged criminals awaiting trial. So proposals have been put forward to speed up the courts by extending their opening hours. This doesn’t seem unreasonable,, since many organisations have had to change their working practices.

However nothing is simple when it comes to the law. The legal profession is steeped in hundreds of years of tradition. The whigs and gowns are testimony to that.

The legal eagles, our highly paid barristers, are considering it, which could take a year or two. Some are horrified by the obvious injustice of having to work before they have had time to read the morning paper or even worse if they can’t get home in time for afternoon tea.
So serious is the situation that strike action is threatened in the new year. They are concerned that after been called to the bar, the bar has now been closed by the Coronapop lockdown, so impoverished barristers are struggling to make ends meet.
One thought being put forward is the possibility of improved compensation for working longer hours. Maybe double time legal aid for a 9am start and for weekends perhaps triple time and free meals.

If an agreement can’t be reached, the barristers believe they will have a strong case for discrimination and will sue for strike pay. Of course, if they are on strike it will be difficult to find a barrister to represent them. They may have to fall back on a barista to grind out their case 🤡

Posted in SMILES | Tagged “Coronapop “ | 2 Comments

Dear Mr Sharma

Posted on November 25, 2020 by john graham

Completely out of the blue I received a letter today from a Government Minister. Not just any old Government Minister, but a Cabinet Minister ! Frequently seen on TV. —- The Secretary of State for Business Energy And Industrial Strategy —— The Rt Hon Alok Sharma MP.

I have to admit I was somewhat taken aback, because I haven’t heard from Alok for ages. In fact never. It is all the more surprising when you think that only a few months ago I was recommending that his Department be abolished. ( See my post in the Archive dated 19 August 2020 )

Here is my reply which I have decided to send as an open letter :-

Dear Alok,

How nice to hear from you and thank you for sending me “the new rules for business with the EU.” I was beginning to wonder if Brexit would ever happen.
Your letter is addressed to the GrumbleSmiles Trust and I think you may have slightly misunderstood our purpose. Still I will try to respond to each of the paragraphs in your letter.

New rules on exporting and importing goods to and from the EU. You really don’t need to worry too much about this. The last time I came back from Europe I only had a couple of bottles of wine and some smelly French cheese. I promise I will get them at Tesco’s in future. As for “exports”, the GrumbleSmiles Trust did suggest sending all MPs to Spain, but Outer Mongolia would be another option, if you would prefer.
New rules for recruitment overseas. We actually don’t have any staff at the moment, they were all furloughed at the time of the first lockdown. If we do decide to recruit from abroad, I have made a note that we will need a license. Will my driving license be okay for this? We will only recruit from New Zealand because of their excellent record with Caronapop and their ability to play rugby a lot better than anyone else.
Selling manufactured goods. I have grown rather a lot of carrots this year during the lockdown, but I am not sure they would qualify as manufactured goods. Perhaps you could give me a ruling on this ?
Moving goods into, out of, or through of Northern Ireland. I don’t think I will be sending my carrots to Northern Ireland, but if I do I will be sure to stick to the new Protocol. To be sure.

I must say Alok, that with your 5 Government Ministers, 7 Director Generals, 40 Directors and 4,420 staff working tirelessly for the past eleven months, you have done a remarkable job producing this one page letter. Everything is so much clearer to me now.

Finally, I do like your catchy little slogan :-

CHECK CHANGE GO

I have emptied my pockets and counted my money. Now where on earth can I go during lockdown ?

Posted in SMILES | 7 Comments