GrumbleSmiles

“EUEXIT”

Posted on January 27, 2019 by john graham

Our political system is completely BANJAXED by our squabbling political parties. Following on from my last blog, the LLLP has decided it is best to go it alone and unilaterally declare independence from the European Union and also from what’s left of Once Great Britain. (This is consistant with our original manifesto which was published May 2017. You will find it if you click on May 2017 in the archive).

Our deadline for this taking effect is the 1st of April and there will be no payment of exit fees. This almost certainly means we will be sued by the European Court of Unjustice, but with the help of a few elderly lawyers we can drag the case on till long after we are all gone 🙂

The Last Laugh Looney Island Republic headquarters will be based in the tax haven of the Channel Islands. So there will be no tax to pay ! Just like Amazon, who incidentally will be our new supplier of everything, since the EU will no doubt immediately impose sanctions on the LLLIR.

There’s a brave new world out there for older people, who will be young again with their hard-earned wealth and freedom in the newly founded Last Laugh Looney Island Republic. Our resolution to do this was fortified by a recent report in The Times which carried the headline —- “One in five pensioners is a millionaire”.

The report was commenting on an Office of National Statistics analysis of average household wealth, based on figures from 2016. I find it quite hard to believe that we have so many millionaires in our country and that the elderly are so well off. Of course this is an average figures which means there are many people with multi-million pound houses, mainly in London and the South East of England. The other problem is that the majority of most peoples’ wealth is locked up in their houses. The good news is if they move to the LLLP Island Republic, they will be renting their new homes and be able to use all of their accumulated wealth to build themselves a new lifestyle. The report estimates that the total wealth of people over 65 averaged £1.1m each. The combined total is £4.7 TRILLION.

This should be enough for a few luxury meals out so that they no longer have to rely on meals-on-wheels. No doubt many of them will also want to travel and the Island Republic will surely become “cruise central”.

At least for the elderly then, this endless talk of BREXIT will be a thing of the past.

Posted in SMILES | Tagged "LLLP" | 6 Comments

Internet Sensation !

Posted on January 21, 2019 by john graham

For all my subscribers who receive my blog post by Email you may have seen that an advert has appeared on my last post claiming to sponsor it. It is rather surprising because I have never heard of the product.

Still I expect the royalties will start rolling in any minute now 🙂

The advert is for beauty and fitness products, so I can perfectly well understand why they chose me to endorse their goods, rather than David Beckham. I would not be at all surprised if they don’t ask me to star in the TV ads as well.

This could be the start of a whole new chapter in my later life. It might go global, or viral. In no time at all I could be world wide blogging billionaire with millions, no zillions of followers !

Free cars, free hotels, maybe my own TV show on the shopping channels. I wonder if I should get an agent and a PR man and a personal stylist and a bodyguard or two.

Perhaps I am getting ahead of myself. I haven’t received any commission just yet.

Oh and I would not recommend you buying any of the products, they might bring you out in SPOTS !

Posted in SMILES | 6 Comments

European Last Laugh Goodbye

Posted on January 20, 2019 by john graham

The Last Laugh Looney Party secret European project is finally reaching a conclusion.

Back in July 2017 I posted a blog about the LLLP and it’s “ISLAND” Project to gradually take over the islands around the British Isles, as a trade off with the European Union and the British Government for helping to solve Brexit. You can see my earlier blogs by clicking on LLLP in the TAG CLOUD.

After some initial success at the start of the negotiations, the LLLP decided to take more of a back seat. This was because it became obvious that there were already enough loonies in the cabinet. After two years of lots of talking, but not a lot of listening, Mr Junket – the European Chief Non-Negotiator, Mrs Miserable Merkle – the German We’re All Right Jack Prime Minister, Mr Macarony – the French President of Haute Cuisine and Mrs MaybeMaybenot all fell for hook, line and sinker for the LLLP strategy for creating mayhem at every opportunity. Especially the sinker bit.

Many MP’s have already started to jump ship, including all of the Democratic Unionist Party, who have agreed to allow Northern “ISLAND” to become part of the LLLP Island Republic, providing the LLLP digs a canal between them and Ireland. Half of Scotland is also thinking that way too, so they have already started to rebuild Hadrians Wall and man it with raging Billy Connolly’s . Wales already has Offas Dyke which they plan to flood with water from the River Severn.

Mrs MaybeMaybenot will still be in charge of the British Isle, which will only comprise England. All the other parts of Britain, who voted to remain part of the European Union, will now become part of the LLLP Island Republic.

All this will happen by 30 March or at the latest, 1 April.

Posted in SMILES | Tagged "LLLP" | 1 Comment

Eating the Clutter Elephant

Posted on January 13, 2019 by john graham

This is my first progress report on my 2019 decluttering plan. The first thing to say is as of yet I haven’t decluttered anything but I need to start out with a strategy and a plan. So here goes:-c

Strategy

We only need a maximum of one years supply of anything;
But, we don’t need a years supply of everything;
Nothing should remain in a box for more than one year;
That will give us lots of storage space and lots of boxes to throw away;
Then we will have more space in the home.

Plan

Empty wardrobe boxes of clothes not worn for a year;
Turn around winter / summer wardrobe, taking stuff off rails and into empty boxes;
Give away clothes not used in the last year to charity shop;
Throw last years’ paperwork away, one file at a time;
File in-tray paperwork into now emptied files;
Burn old bank paperwork and invoices.
Throw yesterdays papers away TODAY

FIRST PROGRESS REPORT. “NOT MUCH PROGRESS”

1 am obviously better at talking about it than doing it. Still I have a chance of catching up in the next few weeks

P. S. I have got rid of all the Christmas wrapping paper and a heap of cardboard before it had time to become clutter. That’s ‘preventative de-cluttering’ I suppose.

Posted in SMILES | Tagged Clutter | 4 Comments

DeClutter-A-Day

Posted on January 6, 2019 by john graham

Happy New Year!

I obviously had a moment of de-cluttering breakdown with my last post “Learn to Love Clutter”. It’s not a strategy that will ever work for me.

Seems like almost a year has gone by since my heroic efforts at de-cluttering fizzled out. I ran out of steam, but sadly I didn’t run out of clutter. (See all my earlier efforts by clicking on “Clutter” in the Tag Cloud).

Now that the days have already closed in, I need a new project for the indoor winter months. I won’t let this clutter mound beat me and I have yet another idea of how I might get on top of it.

How do you eat an elephant ? Answer…….. One bite at a time !

So my project for 2019 is to De-Clutter one thing a day every day for a year. Three hundred and sixty-five things less should make a hole in the clutter and one thing at a time shouldn’t be too difficult.

There again what do you do when you have close to 365 socks with no feet to walk in ….and 365 shirts hanging lifelessly on a wardrobe rail unworn for another year ……and 365 bits of important papers piling up in the office waiting to be filed …….and 365 ties untied, longing for a meeting or a day out ……and 365 plantless pots in the garden sheds …… and 365 books read and unread ……….and 365 photographs waiting for an album ……and 365 of so much more unused, days-over, dust gathering, nobody loves me former treasures?

I will write a progress blog report every week using my new Clutter Elephant logo. That should keep me under pressure to continue de-cluttering.

Posted in SMILES | Tagged Clutter | 4 Comments

Learn to Love Clutter ?

Posted on December 30, 2018 by john graham

Maybe there is an alternative to continuously unsuccessfully de-cluttering. Perhaps I should become a hoarder and completely reverse my thinking about clutter ?

Become a collector of EVERYTHING 😀😀😀😀😀🤡

Starting with SOCKS. Why not, it is as good a place to begin as any other and I have a drawer full already to get me started.

Then I could move on to CUSHIONS, you can never have too many cushions ! Scatter cushions everywhere and you can be reassured that when you keep tripping over them you will have a soft landing. More cushions for everyone could save the NHS millions ! They should be on everyone’s next prescription.

PAPER. Now there’s a thing to easily collect. It comes through the letter box every day. No longer think of it as junk mail, just something to add to your collection. One day it may become valuable and think of all the post people you are keeping in work. Forget about the trees in the Amazon rain forest.

BOOKS are another overwhelming thing. Once you have read them you are unlikely to read them again, but why throw them away. Stack them on shelves so they can gather dust. Or use a few of them to level up uneven table legs. They will also help to insulate you outside walls which should save on your heating bills.

In just a few decades your house could become a museum and you could charge people to come and view your junk 😀 Or you could apply for planning permission for your house to become an antique shop.

Posted in SMILES | Tagged Clutter | 1 Comment

Special Delivery !

Posted on December 23, 2018 by john graham

It was a special day today for someone in the Graham household. Lots of cards through the letterbox and flowers delivered to the door, all for Mo’s birthday. But, there was one important one missing. The day before, the postie had dropped a note on the front door mat to say that there was a special delivery which he or she had not been able to deliver because there was no-one in to sign for it. Evidently Number One son had wanted to be sure his card would not be late so he paid extra for ‘garenteed delivery’. Sadly he didn’t figure that both parents might be out and about when the letter arrived.

Now you have to know that in Kilsby when a letter can’t be delivered it is taken back to the sorting office in Rugby. Five miles away. So on the appointed day Dad has to set off early to retrieve the ‘gaurenteed delivery’ letter.

Carefully negotiating the 24 speed humps outside the local secondary school and being well aware of the six speed cameras waiting to trap any fast moves, Dad edges toward his goal — the sorting office. But first there is the bus in front, stopping at every stop along the route, picking up and putting down armies of school children. Only then do we approach the railway station. Nine o’clock is a busy time with all the commuters trying to park their car and cross the road to catch their train. They are not at all concerned about my urgent errand.

The final hurdle is the one way traffic-controlled tunnel under the railway, specially designed to bring to a standstill rushing motorists. A mere half an hour later and I am through the tunnel and at the gates of the very small car park at the sorting office. The very small car park has twenty spaces for very small cars. The sorting office evidently has eighteen staff who come to work by car and take up eighteen spaces. This leaves just two spaces for customers at the far end of the car park. The dead-end ! Still I manage to get the last space and luckily I am able to climb out though the sun roof.

At last I am in the sorting office to reclaim my undelivered, guaranteed ‘special delivery’ letter. Now all I have to do is prove who I am with two forms of I D and explain why I wasn’t in yesterday when they tried to deliver the letter. “Didn’t you know it was special delivery ?” I would have thought they would give it to me just for coming all this way and for managing to park in the car park.

At last letter in hand I return to the car park, climb back though my sun roof and am set to go. Unfortunately I only learned how to do a three-point turn when I passed my driving test fifty years ago. They didn’t prepare you for sorting office car parks. Fifteen points and constant bleeper warnings later I extract my car from the car park. Now all I have to do is go back through the tunnel passed the bus stops and over the speed bumps before the children come out of school.

Finally I return home with a guaranteed ‘special delivery’ birthday card from Number One Son.

And one happy Mum. 🙂

Posted in SMILES | Tagged "GrumbleSmiles Post" | 3 Comments

Equity Release Puzzle

Posted on December 16, 2018 by john graham

This is another follow-up to my post “Equity Release Revisited” which prompted me to look into the subject again and start a new series of blogs on the subject. I first wrote about this in 2012 and then again in 2015. (You can find my earlier posts by clicking on Equity Release in the TAG CLOUD).

After hours of research on the internet, over a period of several weeks, I am still not much further on in trying to get some basic facts and figures about the cost of Equity Release. I’ve ended up with a lot more questions than answers so I’ve got to keep digging.

What are the interest rates that are charged and how do they vary with age and health?
How far can you use the loan on luxuries before the taxman determines that they will be considered “wilful disposal of their income”?
Do the local agents get any fee if you decide not to proceed?
What’s the average loan that people take out and at what interest rate?
If the average interest rate is 6%, surely that means that more people taking out Equity Release are the younger elderly? Therefore the biggest risk to the loan provider. Leading to a higher level of “compounded” interest.
Just how exactly is your property sold if you move into care, or die? Surely the Equity Release company will want to control this. If the loan plus interest exceeds the value of your home, they will want to get the highest sale price possible. But, if their loan plus interest is lower than the value of your home, they will want a speedy sale and therefore may not seek the highest value to the detriment of the legacy you might leave.

The fact that Equity Release loan companies are so reluctant to be transparent about these critical questions, doesn’t lead you to believe that their products are good value. It’s also a concern that to get any further information you have to share a lot of personal financial and health information with a “Financial Advisor” who you have never met before. This is a crass way of doing business with older people!

I’ve no doubt I’ll be writing about this subject again in the years ahead. Hopefully not after yet another crisis has emerged about Equity Release.

Posted in ELDERLY MARKET, Grey Products | Tagged Equity Release | 2 Comments

Aviva Equity Release

Posted on December 9, 2018 by john graham

As part of my research, I found a full page advert from Aviva about Equity Release. It offered to send a FREE EQUITY RELEASE GUIDE and I decided to follow it up. The only problem was they didn’t include an email address, you had to call an 0800 number which I didn’t want to do. I looked exhaustively on the Aviva website and couldn’t find an email address anywhere. Which is astounding in this day and age! However, I did find something called a “chatbot” which allows you to get into a live conversation with them. Although you’re not really talking to a person at all. This is Artificial Intelligence and all you’re able to do is type messages to a robot and get instant robotic messages back. Here is how the “conversation” went :-

Aviva Chatbot “Conversation”

Me. I would like a hard copy of your Equity Release guide?

Aviva Chatbot. To discuss or request a copy of your Equity Release documents, please call our customer support team on 0800 158 4177.

Aviva Chatbot. I am here if you have any more questions.

Me. I don’t wish to discuss over the phone

Aviva Chatbox. Sorry, I didn’t understand. Can you repeat your question in a different way?

Me. I am hard of hearing and I do not wish to use the telephone to discuss Equity Release

Aviva Chatbot. Sorry, I still don’t understand. As I have not been able to help you, please click here to find out how to contact us.

Aviva Chatbot. We aren’t always able to provide an email address or fax number, however we have the below alternative contact options.

Aviva Chatbot. Please select how you would like to contact Aviva:

Me. Do you think this is a customer friendly response?

Aviva Chatbot. Sorry, I didn’t understand. Can you repeat your question in a different way?

Me. Do you only have one answer to each question, I only want a brochure?

Aviva Chatbot. Sorry, I still don’t understand. As I have not been able to help you, please click here to find out how to contact us.

So after all this, I’m none the wiser and I still don’t have a brochure from Aviva. I wonder how much business they lose by making it difficult to communicate in the manner you wish?

Posted in ELDERLY MARKET | Tagged Equity Release | 2 Comments

Equity Release – Pot of Gold?

Posted on December 2, 2018 by john graham

This is a follow-up to my post “Equity Release Revisited” which prompted me to look into the subject again and start a new series of blogs on the subject. I first wrote about this in 2012 and then again in 2015. (You can find my earlier posts by clicking on Equity Release in the TAG CLOUD).

The latest reports in the press about the joys of Equity Release suggest that pensioners are drawing down £11 Million a day, against their housing asset. That’s a staggering £4 billion a year !!!!!!!

That’s a lot of Lamborghini’s. George Osbourne’s one time idea of what old people could spend their pension funds on. 🙂

In fact it would only buy about 13,000 Lamborghini’s, so a lot of pensioners would miss out unless they had a luxury car-sharing scheme. Still, it would be very interesting to see what 13,000 pensioners racing about in Lamborghini’s would look like. I expect it would raise a few eyebrows and attract more than a few speeding fines 🙂

Now coming back to Equity Release, the typical loan to value ratio of Equity Release is 30%. So these new petrol heads have effectively handed control of £12 billion of their wealth to a pack of avaricious insurance companies. I wonder if they’ll regret that decision if they subsequently require care and find that the loan companies won’t lend them any more money.

No doubt they will also offer to insure the Lamborghini’s too. Although I am certain that won’t be cheap either, they will probably want half of your newly acquired loan.

Posted in ELDERLY MARKET | Tagged Equity Release | 3 Comments