Coronapop Rugby 🏉🏉🏉🏉🏉

Posted on May 27, 2020 by john graham

The Committees of the Rugby Football Union, Premiership Rugby and now World Rugby  have all got themselves in a complete tissy,  trying to react to Coronapop.    For the last few weeks they have continued their delusion that rugby can start up again by the beginning of July.     That way they think they can complete the 2019/20  season as if nothing had ever happened.

They are in a rarefied world of their own.    It is all about the money they can secure from selling TV rights and sponsorship.    Club seasons are interrupted by International matches that attract more revenue.    Central contracts rob club sides of their best players for half the season.      They have long forgotten the fans or that they themselves used to be rugby players☹️

Now it is obvious,  even to the thickest prop forward, that Rugby is a contact sport,  the “ old farts “ are working on how to maintain social distancing during the game.    Here are some of their very best ideas:-

  • Reduce the number of players from 15 to 13.   A bit like Rugby League.
  • Don’t contest line-outs, just restart the game.     A bit like Rugby League.
  • Scrap scrums, award a free kick instead.     A bit like Rugby League.
  • Forbid mauls, have another free kick.     A bit like Rugby League.

It took a lot of brains to work this out.    Prop forward brains 🤡

Guess who the two players no longer required will be ?

🏉The new game will be called “Rugby League”🏉

P.S.     By the way the fans won’t be able to watch the games live, but they will be able to watch it on “pay” TV channels.

P.P.S.    I doubt this means they will refund our season tickets !

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Coronapop News Storm

Posted on May 24, 2020 by john graham

Once upon a time we were all obsessed with the weather.    Waking up each day to find the forecast in the news, on the hour every hour.    It didn’t really matter if it was accurate, in fact it frequently wasn’t, but still we tuned in to see what we should wear.    “Wrap up warm” ….. or “take an umbrella” ….. or “no need for a coat today“.

Now Coronapop has us all captivated in a totally different way every day👿

We all have to learn a new language first.   Take a degree in virology and epidemiology.   Be guided by the SCIENCE.

Then you may have the faintest chance of keeping up with the news.     So long as you understand the difference between DNA and RNA.   And worryingly the infection rate and the case fatality rate.    Most of all you need to know about the R, or is it the RRRRRR   or the ARRRGH!    Which ever one it is, it is definitely important.

But that’s not all.    You need to know about the numbers, lots of numbers that change every day faster than the weather.   Like the spin of a Public Health slot machine.      KA-CHING.     2,345,678 people have now been tested, some of them several times, that is 9876 more than yesterday.     KA-CHING.    123,456 have tested positive for Coronapop up from 93,345 yesterday when the numbers were lower because of the weekend.       KA-CHING.   5,678 have been admitted to hospital  and there are now 30,079 people in hospital 12,876 in intensive care.   KA-PLONK   Sadly 456 have died today, which is 234 less than yesterday.   Got it ?   Of course these figures might not be right because they don’t include people in the community, nor the people in Northern Ireland where the figures haven’t arrived yet.   And by the way these figures may be double this when you add on all the people who haven’t been tested.   Or people whose tests are just false negatives, in which case they will have to come back next week.     SCHHUSH!   Don’t mention the 21,234  “excess deaths”👿

Now you have a grip on the numbers, it is important to understand the military tactics being used to control Coronapop.       Operation “Lockdown” means you shouldn’t go out for three weeks, or maybe 12 weeks, we will let you know in three weeks depending on the R.    Of course you can go out for food and a walk, only a short walk.    And don’t talk to anybody unless they have a mask or a plastic bottle on their head or you are 2 or 3, or better still 20 meters away.    This is called “distancing “.    Until you get back home when you will be “isolating” or “ shielding” depending on how many co-morbidities you have.

It should all be CLEAR to you now, as obviously you can see we are following the science,  FOLLOWING THE SCIENCE!

If for some inexplicable reason you are sill confused, just remember our daily stock phrases:-

  • STAY AT HOME  ————– most of the time
  • WASH YOUR HANDS ——- all of the time
  • STAY ALERT ——————— always
  • WASH YOUR HANDS ——- again and again
  • PROTECT THE NHS ——— forever
  • WEAR A MASK —————- or don’t

👿Just like the weather this advice may change tomorrow👿

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LLLP —-“Rust Bucket Cruise”

Posted on May 17, 2020 by john graham

At the request of Prime Minister Bodj, the Last Laugh Looney Party is turning its attention to the redistribution of wealth and tax reform, when the Coronapop is finally contained.      This is a huge subject which runs into 2,734 million, trillion pages of advice from Her Majesty’s Revenue Collectors.    It makes jobs for thousands of civil servants, who work tirelessly sending out incomprehensible forms and reminders and threatening letters until they get a large chunk of our hard-earned money.   All so Bodj’s Government

can spend it for us.

In the meantime a host of accountants, many of whom used to be civil servants, work tirelessly for those earning most money, to help them pay as little tax as possible.   That is how we end up with 90% of the wealth of the UK  being in the hands of only 5% of the people.

The LLLP  will recommend radical moves to change that.    In stark contrast to every previous Government that has promised to stop tax avoidance and yet nothing seems to happen.    So the LLLP will introduce a REPATRIATE UNHAPPY SAILORS TAX.   This will be entirely voluntary 🤡

The LLLP first step will be to set a new standard rate of tax of 10%, which everyone will pay except children, ….NHS staff, … care workers ….. and …… all pensioners.  This new system will be so simple that we won’t need all the civil servants and accountants,

Secondly, the LLLP will introduce a national “maximum” wage of £50,000 a year.  I know people will say that would lead to a mass exodus of wealthy  people from the UK, but unfortunatly that will be rather difficult for them during the Coronapop lockdown.   Especially after their private jets have been impounded.

So hear comes the voluntary bit :-      Everyone earning over £50,000 will be asked to voluntarily donate their excess income to the LLLP EMERGENCY RECOVERY FUND.    If they don’t wish to do that, they will be given a free luxury cruise around the Isle of Wight,  indefinitely until they have a change of heart.

Sir Richard Branson is one of the first passengers, now that his airline has gone bust.  Closely followed by Sir Phillip Green,  since he shed so many crocodile tears over having to close all his shops.     Thirdly we welcome onboard Fred the Shred, the “ ex Sir”, who used to rundown the Royal Bank of Scotland.    The low interest bankers👿 stock market speculators 👿 and no-win-no-fee lawyers 👿 are kept down in the lowest decks locked in  inside cabins and only allowed on deck for one hour a day until they hand over their ill-gotten gains.

The LLLP rust bucket will be named HMS Fat Cat     This is the first of many ships that will join the new Coronapop cruise fleet 🤡

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LLLP Climate Change

Posted on May 10, 2020 by john graham

This is the next crazy idea from the Last Laugh Looney Party for Prime MinisterBodj to consider in response to the Coronapop virus.

Every World leader has been pontificating about climate change for years.   Targets have been set with fingers in the air and little or no chance of success, except for the certainty that the politicians will be long gone by the time their planned deadline is due to arrive.

Now Coronapop has shown us the way forward :-

  • Stop all private cars on the roads, that will reduce thousands of accidents a year.
  • Ground all planes indefinitely and turn all airports into solar power stations and wind farms.
  • Permanently dock all cruise ships and convert them into luxury hotels for the homeless and luxury prisons for the feckless.     The smallest, dirtiest, most cramped, rust buckets will be reserved for tax exile billionaires who have had their yachts, private planes, multiple homes, holiday villa’s and islands confiscated by the tax man.
  • Public transport will be required to run on time and be spotlessly clean, after all railway staff have been “retrained” by the Japanese.
  • HS2 will be scrapped saving untold £billions.
  • Mobility scooters will be given right of way on all highways, but will only be available to the elderly, the disabled, pregnant mothers and parents with under school aged children.
  • Everyone else will have to go on foot or  cycle for short journeys to improve the health of the nation.

There probably will be even more crazy ideas from the LLLP 🤡

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Rugby Coronapop Style🏉🏉🏉🏉

Posted on May 6, 2020 by john graham

Everything is going to have to change as a result of Coronapop.    Even the Old Farts at the Rugby Football Union finally agree with that, although unbelievably they are still planning to finish the 2019/2020 season.
They have just issued some new guidelines to allow clubs to start players training while still “social distancing”.

  • players will be required to wear masks🤡
  • and gloves  🧤🧤
  • and keep 1.5 meters apart  🏃🏽‍♂️    🏃

I am not sure they have properly thought this through.   Why can rugby players stand closer together than people in a Tesco queue?     Even with these new rules, line-outs will only be able to have six players on each side and no lifting will be allowed.   There will also probably have to be a Perspex screen down the middle of the line-out to stop the players coming together when jumping for the ball.

Scrums will be even more difficult —— all that heavy breathing will definitely need additional ventilation.    The steam that rises from scrums could have a massive viral load, so after each scrum all forwards will need to be tested for Coronapop and be substituted if they test positive for Coronapop.

One final flaw in this new RFU protocol is that players will have to have their temperature checked before the start of training and presumably at regular throughout a  game.    If they exceed the normal range, they will then have to be quarantined for 14 days and so will anyone who has come into contact with them.  😡😡😡😡😡

These new guidelines should finally put an end to the season !

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LLLP “NUTS IN MAY”

Posted on May 3, 2020 by john graham
  • This post follows on from the LAST LAUGH LOONEY PARTY appointment to  to Prime Minister Bodj’s cabinet of national unity and begins to look at what lessons we should learn from the country’s experience of the Coronapop.

Crazy thoughts for crazy times, is something that the Last Laugh Looney Party specialises in, which is no doubt why, Prime Minister Bodj has brought them back into Cabinet discussions.    His current crop of stooges, who all purport to be Government Ministers, can’t see beyond the end of their noses.    There forward thinking extends only as far as next days headline and even then their answers are limited to a few few stock phrases.    “Wash your hands, wipe your nose and don’t tickle your toes!”

Let’s start with the “Lockdown”.

It’s not all bad, nothing like as life-limiting as the First or Second World Wars must have been.     The upsides of the lock down are that the Coronapop has been slowed down, which gives the NHS a chance to gain some empty bedspaces, get extra supplies of PPE and get all its staff back to work.

So the first crazy idea would be to extend the “Lockdown”  until Christmas !

  • Everyone would have to continue to socially isolate, unless they were a Key worker.    “STAY AT HOME” would be the watchword and ”WYH”.
  • Anyone caught breaking the rules would be rounded up by the police and quarantined on one of the thousands of idle cruise ships.   The ships would sail around the British Isles until Christmas …. 2021.   The passengers/ tourists/inmates/ thoughtless gits would be required to make face masks and gowns for care staff and embroider “sorry” on each one.
  • All NHS and social care staff  and other support workers would be paid a 50% lump sum Christmas tax free bonus.  Paid for by a special NHS tax on  the banks 🤡

There will be more from the LLLP as we navigate ourselves through the Coronapop  months ahead.

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Last Laugh Loony Lockdown

Posted on April 30, 2020 by john graham

The Last Laugh Looney Party has returned to power.     Dragged back kicking and screaming from their Brexit success.      Prime Minister Bodj, after his brief illness with Coronapop, has realised that he can’t leave the rest of the Cabinet stooges in charge of anything.      In his absence in just a few weeks they had spent a fortune and run out of everything.

Big business want to get back to work, the media are all saying the public  wants to be let out and that children must go back to school.   The clamour is relentless …. in the news, in the press and from MP’s.
Bodj’s immediate request was for some ideas of how to get out of the “Lockdown”.

So here is the LLLP first recommendation to Bodj :-


Right now things are under control.   Not so much down to the Government’s efforts, but due to the superhuman efforts of NHS and all care staff and all the support workers helping them.    It is the front line people in health and social care and in food shops and their delivery drivers, as well as the many volunteers who are helping neighbours and friends.

The Coronapop virus is being contained and hospital cases are coming down.    Certainly it is true that there are and will be a lot more cases in nursing and residential care, but society has never really cared two hoots about them.    That is why no political party has come up with a  constructive answer to funding social care  for generations.

Now let’s look at some of the positives :-

  • It is a lot quieter, you can hear the birds singing.
  • There is a lot less traffic on the roads, so there are far fewer accidents and far less air pollution.
  • Most people are far less busy and have time to talk to people they meet.
  • Children maybe missing their friends but I’ll bet they are not missing exams.
  • There is a lot less crime.
  • We all have a lot more time to think and reflect on the value of life.

We need to learn some very fundamental lessons from all of this and not just try and go back to where we were before.

THE LAST LAUGH LOONEY PARTY WILL GIVE BODJ SOME SERIOUSLY CRAZY IDEAS FOR THE FUTURE IN THE NEXT POST.

                       LLLP     “NUTS IN MAY”

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April Showers !

Posted on April 26, 2020 by john graham

They say it never rains, but it pours.   In fact it hasn’t rained in Kilsby for quite some time.    The garden is particularly dry.     Whatever happened to April showers?

So it was a surprise to wake up this morning to find it was pouring down.    In fact it was Mo who first discovered it.   She was so excited, she came running upstairs to wake me up and tell me it was pouring down in the lounge.     Not the normal place for an April shower.

I lept out of bed and set off downstairs only to find the sunshine  streaming in through the open kitchen door and not a drop of rain to be seen.    Then I ventured into the lounge and discovered a spring bubbling out of the ceiling.    Actually more of a raging torrent !   Directly below the upstairs bathroom, so I raced back upstairs, but there was no sign of a running tap, or an overflowing sink nor a leaky pipe.    That exhausted my plumbing knowledge, so I rang our friend Chris, who is a proper plumber.   Obviously he would be up at 7 o’clock in the morning, just waiting for my call 😀

Chris told me to turn the mains water off at the stopcock.   It is most conveniently located at the very back of the lowest kitchen cupboard.     Where we keep all the odds and sods of cleaning materials, …. and polishes, …. and rubber gloves, …. and dog bowels …. and 57 cloths …. etc. … etc …etc.     All of which I  intended to sort out, but I had left it for a rainy day☹️
Eventually I got to the stopcock, only to find I needed a screwdriver to turn it off.   I know I have one in the cupboard in the downstairs toilet.   The cupboard that is full of toilet rolls …. and cleaning materials …. and air fresheners …. and Dettol ….and small flower vases.    Right at the very back is my tool box.   Now I can put a finger in the dam.   Only problem is that when I finally turn the stopcock off, the water keeps on running.

By this time Chris is on his way blue light flashing, hurtling towards this Noah’s Ark in Kilsby.    In the meantime I set off around the house turning on all the cold taps and flushing all the toilets.     It’s a good job we don’t have a water meter.    At last the torrent is reduced to a trickle, but still you don’t really want even a trickle coming from the ceiling of your lounge.     I suppose we could get an aquarium and make a feature of it.

Outside a white van screeched to a halt, Chris ran in dressed for the flood with galoshes over his pyjamas and a life raft.     By this time the monsoon had passed  and he wondered what all the fuss was about.   Then after a quick cup of tea to make up for no breakfast, he set about investigating the source of the leak.

Sadly, his starting point was to check the cold water tank .   It is located in the most inaccessible place in the house, behind an obstacle course of clutter at the back of my walk-in wardrobe.      So now starts another involuntary clear out beginning with my gardening clothes, which I carefully scatter on the floor in a pile each time I come in from the garden.   With that out of the way I move onto the shirts I never wear and shoes I had forgotten I had.   Oh and the shoe cleaning polish and brushes I only use for weddings and funerals.   Then we are onto Mo’s riding boots x 2 and my treasured Stetson hat.   Nearly there, just a few boxes of assorted bits and pieces.     At long last Chis can inspect the tank, but that’s not the problem ….. so I can put all that stuff back 🤠

It turned out to be a faulty WC cistern and a blocked overflow, which Chris fixed in a flash.   Now all I have to do is put everything back in the cupboards !

Still the morning was better than watching breakfast television weather forecast😀

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Swept to a New World ?

Posted on April 19, 2020 by john graham

We are all on a voyage sailing into a New World, just like Columbus and Captain  Cook.   This time with Coronavirus as the wind behind us blowing us hither and thither to who ( certainly not WHO ) knows where.
What seems clear is that we won’t be able to go back to where we were before.   The world will have changed by the time this virus is done, but will it be for better or for worse ?

For Worse ?

  • Worldwide millions of people will have died, mainly the elderly.
  • Third World countries with poor health care will be hit the hardest.
  • Heavily indebted Western World countries will be almost bankrupt.
  • Global recession could leave millions of people unemployed.
  • There will be raging inflation in the West as economies are reshaped.
  • The European Union will become the European Disunion.
  • China will colonise large parts of the Third World and become the Global dominant economic force through its control of natural resources.

For Better ?

  • Climate change will slow down as greenhouse gases reduce.
  •  The reduction in numbers of old people will ease pressure on the NHS.
  • Airlines will be dramatically scaled back and cruise ships will sink altogether.
  • Gardening will become the most popular pastime and a necessity for food production.
  • The HS2 train will stop before it has started and the fourth runway at Heathrow can stay in mothballs forever.

AND THIS IS JUST FOR STARTERS 

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Swept Off My Feet.

Posted on April 12, 2020 by john graham

I grew up in the gentle world of feet and inches.

Of gallons of petrol , pints of milk and even smaller bottles at playtime in school.

A time of tables …  times tables and blackboards and chalk.  And marks out of 10 !

Of pounds, shillings and pence …. that made sense.     And didn’t change.

 

Occasional post cards and letters in the post.  And maybe a heart-sinking telegram.

But no junk mail or Email …. and certainly no instagram.

The  news in newspapers on the doorstep at 7am.

Then later on TV at six o’clock on the BBC.   But not 24/ 7 rolling repeats.

 

How things have changed?

But curiously we still have miles to go  ?

 

In my playing rugby days there were just fifteen of us …. no substitutes.

No yellow cards for ten minutes on the touch line, when you were injured you went off and stayed off.

A referee with a whistle whose word was the law by what he saw.

No action replays, no video delays   ….. just get on with it.

 

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