LLLP Brexit Negotiations on Small Print

Posted on July 30, 2017 by john graham

The Brexit negotiations continue to move along with the help of the  Last Laugh Looney Party.      This is my weekly leak, oops sorry, Cabinet communication on the excellent progress our leader Mrs Tezz is making.      Fortunately, the concessions that were agreed by Mr. Junket on packaging mean that we can now go on to the next big issue for older people, which is SMALL PRINT.

As we said in our manifesto, we are fed up with not being able to read things anymore.   Writing is getting smaller and smaller and it is not our glasses, because we have our eyes tested at Specspenders and we are told to buy a new pair every year from them.

The smallest fonts are  normally used by lawyers for all their disclaimers and you need an electron microscope to read them.     What they disclaim is usually any responsibility for anything that was promised in adverts for their clients products?

The LLLP is proposing a complete ban use of all fonts below 14 point, which won’t leave any room for lawyerspeak.

While we are at it,  we will also ban those ticker-tape type notes that go across you TV screen, at too fast a rate for you to read.     Oh and also those super-fast speaking idiots at the end of adverts that attempt not to tell you about their excessive interest rates and that “terms and conditions” apply.

 

You can see an earlier rage about small print and glasses by clicking on the following link:

https://grumblesmiles.co.uk/2010/11/07/spectacle-wipes/

I’m sure this won’t be the last time I write about small print.  But the ban introduced by the LLLP will certainly see me voting for them in the next election.  I just hope the voting form is in

Tagged , | 1 Comment

Dementia won’t go away.

Posted on July 27, 2017 by john graham

I wrote about the growing problem of dementia only a week ago and stories are starting to appear in the press every other day.    In fact I have been writing about the subject ever since I started this blog.    (You can see all my earlier blogs by clicking on “Dementia ” in the Topics List.)

Perhaps it is finally dawning on everyone that this is a big issue which won’t go away and can’t be swept under the carpet.   No doubt the politicians will soon set up a Commission to see what can be done. That will put off needing to do anything about it for several more years.     Meanwhile sufferers get little or no help, other than from relatives who are often the first to notice the decline.

Six years ago I wrote a blog called “Left in the dark” about my concern that people were going undiagnosed by their GP’s, partly understandably, because of the lack of support available once the issue had been identified.

Now a six-year long research study at Cambridge University has echoed what I was saying.  It found that a third of those affected have not been formally diagnosed and  even those who are eventually diagnosed with the disease often wait three years before it is detected by their GP.

Yet I seem to remember David Cameron making this a priority for his Government.    He launched a “Dementia Challenge”  in 2012″ aimed at identifying more people with the disease.   £10million was given for dementia research.  Then in 2014 GP’s were offered a £55 bounty for every new case they identified.       There was a 25% increase in those diagnosed with dementia between September 2014 and March 2015.  A £4.4 million bonus for GP’s and another 80,000 older people condemned to a life of mental decline with very little further support.  Subsequently it was estimated that as many as half of these new cases were not in fact dementia.     The idea was quietly dropped after a year.

The Department of Health says it is investing £50million to make hospitals dementia friendly.   Whatever that means ?

So much for politicians promises!

Posted in Dementia | 2 Comments

TIDY BEAR – PANTS INVESTIGATION

Posted on July 25, 2017 by john graham

De-cluttering continues with a wardrobe box which John visits every day.   In fact it is probably the most regularly visited part of his walk-in wardrobe.   So it needs to be easy to use, and yet it isn’t !

Why ?  Because Little Ted thinks it contains too much stuff.    Here are the Bear facts of what it contains with Little Ted’s premlinary observations ( in italics ) :-

  • PANTS WHITE. —- 15 pairs —- Perhaps John has been eating too many beans ?
  • PANTS COLOURED —– 9 pairs —- That seem to confirm my suspicions. 
  • LONG JOHNS —– 3 pairs —– Oh dear dear, perhaps John has a chill.
  • VESTS SINGLETS —– 15 —– Yes with all these vests he must be feeling the cold.
  • VESTS THERMAL —– 10 —–  Indeed he must get very, very cold.

                 That is 52 pieces of underwear !

Little Ted says “What John needs is a Bearskin !”

 

This is John in his Bearskin onesie.  Although it might be a bit hot in the summer and I don’t think I will be walking around Kilsby in it.  Perhaps I’ll just keep it for pyjamas.

Posted in SMILES | Tagged | 3 Comments

After a week of hard-fought negotiations, I am now able to give you a little bit more of the detail about our success with the negotiations on packaging.  Although I must ask you to keep this entirely confidential for the next 18 months, until all the other negotiations are agreed.

Some of our particular concerns are listed below:

My concerns about packaging were highlighted with the difficulties I had extracating a brand new excellent British product from its packaging – – – – – – a Dyson vacuum cleaner you can see my trials and tribulations by clicking on the following link: https://grumblesmiles.co.uk/2010/06/03/take-the-money-or-open-the-box/

In future all packages like this will be banned in the UK, but Mr Dyson will be free to still send his goods to Europe wrapped up so tightly that it will take many hours of the European’s time to unravel them.

 

My next packaging concern is “foil sealed tops”. You can see how much difficulty they are by clicking on the following link: https://grumblesmiles.co.uk/2011/02/20/breakfast-exercise-3/

Milk bottle tops used to be easy to get into but the ones they use these days seem to be welded on so they will be banned in future.

This is about child-proof bottle and jar tops. You can see the difficulties I had by clicking on this link: https://grumblesmiles.co.uk/2011/03/27/breakfast-exercise-4/

Older people need to get access to these everyday products.  Little children must keep their busy fingers to themselves!

Most medical supplies are double or triple wrapped, no doubt for good hygiene reasons. But in an emergency, when you’re in a hurry, this is not at all helpful and will be banned in future throughout Europe. You can see my problem by clicking on this link: https://grumblesmiles.co.uk/2016/07/11/getting-plastered-to-be-edited-cartoon/

Breakfast cereal packages are a constant pain.  They are always wrapped in a bag inside a box and never easy to open.  Old people don’t need this frustration first thing in the morning.  Sometimes they have tear-offable strips which are not even tear-offable.  The story behind this can be seen by clicking on this link: https://grumblesmiles.co.uk/2010/09/06/breakfast-exercise/

Some European countries will not like this, because most cereals contain their imported berries, nuts, currants, dates and grains.  All of which no doubt also come in sealed packages.

 

The European packing industry will no doubt be distraught by these new packaging regulations.  But they can keep them in the rest of Europe if they want to.  Meanwhile the British older people who move to the Island Republic, will be free to get on with their lives without the frustrations of UN-OPENEABLE PACKAGING.

VOTE FOR THE LAST LAUGH LOONEY PARTY.

THEY DELIVER THEIR MANIFESTO PROMISES.

Posted on July 23, 2017 by john graham | 4 Comments

I Like Money !

Posted on July 20, 2017 by john graham

Piggy banks full of money.   Tins on the mantelpiece full of money.   Pockets full of change.

Having money makes you feel free.    Saving money makes you feel that you have achieved something worthwhile.

At least that is how I used to feel when I was young and innocent.   That is how I was brought up.    You only bought things when you had the money and if you didn’t have the money you saved up.     Having things ” on tick” wasn’t what we did.   But if you had to wait, you appreciated something when you finally got it.    And you really looked after it.

(See an earlier post on this subject by clicking in the Archive for August 14th 2014 —“My Little Tin”)

Not so now.   You can have what you want when you want it.    Just use a credit card.   Later you can throw it away and get another one.    Your purchase l mean, but maybe your credit card as well.    It is a good idea to have more than one.    Why not have several and the you can “max out” you credit ?

Now we come to the “cashless society”, it is just around the corner.   Waiting enticingly with a bottomless pit of endless desires.    Now you can have what you want, whenever you want it.  Or, maybe you should be more careful.     The bottomless pit might turn out to be a bear trap to fall into  bankruptcy.

Banks and credit card companies love the idea.   Spend, spend, spend.  Live now pay later. The credit card companies make their 1% on every purchase and the banks make much, much more if you fall into debt.      And they hope you will.

Big Data can monitor your every purchase and predict, promote, push and procure what you next need.    Before you even know it !    Your phone and your iPad are both double-edged swords —- your enabler and you controller.

Governments are gripped by the  notion of the cashless society as a way of ensuring that you pay them their share of the mulla.   No cash-in-hand to avoid tax, what can be wrong with that?   It is only fair!

My little tin box had a message inside.   “When you break the link between money and value it leads to a day of  reckoning.”

2 Comments

The Tidy Bears are back

Posted on July 18, 2017 by john graham

Throughout June and July in the midst of all the political election shenanigans, my tidying up took a back seat and so did the Tidy Bears, who are not at all interested in politics.    They are not particularly interested in tidying either, but they are keen on having fun.      So they have decided to start looking in drawers, cupboards and sheds to see what more they can tidy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Their last bear tidying escapade was sorting out all the spare toilet rolls around the house.   All the surplus rolls are now tidied away in a basket out of sight and we shouldn’t need to buy anymore until 2026, unless we have an outbreak of bear dysentery.

Mo did feel the need to rescue at least one reserve toilet roll for every bathroom/loo.      But after training by a butler when we were on a Queen Elizabeth cruise years ago, she was able to decorate them with paper folded roses and decorative fans.        Holly Bear thought this was a great improvement.

 

Posted in SMILES | Tagged , | 4 Comments

LLLP Brexit Negotiations

Posted on July 16, 2017 by john graham

Now that the Last Laugh Looney Party is in the Cabinet we are bound by Cabinet responsibility not to divulge our confidential discussions to anyone.   However in the spirit of “Open Government”, which our Prime Miniser says she is committed to, I am sure Theresa ( or Tezz as she prefers to be known by her close friends ), won’t mind if I give you a hint of how our negotiations over Brexit are going.

In fact, it is only fair to say, they are not going too well so far.  The Europeans are demanding £ billions before we even start talking and the British team are repeating Maggie Thatcher’s last message about the European Union………. “NO,NO,NO.”

Ever since we agreed to take over the bankrupt Greek islands, the LLLP got on with Mr Jean Claude Junker a lot better.   So we are trying to move forward with some of our own manifesto ideas.

Oddly enough it struck the rest of the Cabinet as strange that we should want to honour our manifesto promises.    Several of my Cabinet colleagues said “now that we are in power we should be able to move forward with all the things that were too difficult to mention before the Election.    It is only the Opposition parties that keep harping on about all the things they would have done, if only the voters had had the good sense to elect them”.

They were all especially surprised when we wanted to open the Brexit negotiations with “Packaging”.    They all felt this was far too small a detailed idea to be bothered with but accepeted if that was all the LLLP wanted to talk about, let them get on with it, while they concentrate on the bigger ideas like global trade and immigration.  Still, the E. U. were delighted because they thought it was it was a small concession to make in exchange for a few billion euros.

All 27 countries of the EU reluctantly accepted that they would no longer transport food to the UK in shrink wrapped packaging, which in the past it has enabled them to send weeks old fruit and veg across the channel as if it was picked yesterday.  Of course it was recognised that after a transition period, there would be a dramatic reduction in imported European fruit and veg.  On the positive side this would revive the British agricultural industry and significantly increase the demand for tomatoes from the Channel Islands, which is especially good news for the Island Republic.

I should be able to “leak” more of our progress with our packaging negotiations next week.

Posted in SMILES | Tagged | 6 Comments

Oranges might slow down Dementia.

Posted on July 13, 2017 by john graham

I wrote a lot about dementia the early days of this blog.    ( You can see all the posts on this subject by clicking on Dementia in the Topics List).      I rather gave up after writing about the umpteenth miracle cure that was just around the corner —- berries of every colour and size, bottles of red wine, exercise for the mind and the body.   All recommendations were carefully qualified with the need for further research.    Yet we seem to be no nearer to defeating this awful disease.

Some of the research was itself quite confusing :- “either learn Gaelic or eat garlic or do both and double you chances of improving your memory”.    Some was more compelling :- ” eat nuts or go nuts ” 😀

Meanwhile the number of sufferers is increasing dramatically as the population of older people not only grows significantly,    but also ages.    The percentage of people with dementia increases rapidly as people get older.

In 2010 there were estimated to be 35,000,000 sufferers worldwide.   In Britain there were thought to be 822,000.   The ageing of the population will turn a tidal wave into a tsunami that will overwhelm health services in the years ahead.    Researchers at University College London and Liverpool University expect the number in England to jump by 60% to 1.2 million by 2040.    In the  UK that could mean 1.9 million.

Now back to the old messages.    Researchers at Tohoku University in Japan have found that citrus fruits seem to inhibit memory loss.  Their study suggests that eating an orange a day might prevent the development of dementia.

So more oranges and more research are needed fast.

 

 

Posted in Dementia | Tagged | 3 Comments

Dementia won’t go away !

Posted on July 11, 2017 by john graham

Dementia is definitely one of the diseases of the day.   If not the disease of the day.   This is not so much dementia week, as the dementia era.

It is an illness which nobody really understands and for which there is no known cure.    Nobody wants to talk about it.   It is the elephant in the room in the heads of many older people as they get older.   Out of sight but in the mind.

Forget something, forget anything and you have taken a first step down a very slippery slope.   You will probably diagnose yourself long before anyone else.      Although almost everyone else suspects, once you have passed the age of sixty.   Memory lapses that would have gone unnoticed in earlier years, now are evidence of your imminent decline.

Except, they may not be and the world may be writing you off too soon.

There is a lot of confusion about confusion.    I have been writing about dementia ever since I started this blog.    (You can see all my earlier posts on this subject by clicking on Dementia in the Topics list.)

Now for the good news for forgetful older people.   Headlines on the front page of The Times on Tuesday4th July 2017 :-

“Forget about memory lapses: they’re good for your brain”

This is a report about  research at the University of Toronto, about neuronal transience.  With a name like that it is little wonder that so many people haven’t heard of it.   Still it is very important.    Apparently, and I quote from the report ” We think an important part of being intelligent is about forgetting the details of past experience”

That explains everything, I am not going nuts at all, I am just super- intelligent, along with lots of other older people 😀

 

Posted in Dementia | 1 Comment

Last Laugh Looney Cabinet Minister Appointed

Posted on July 9, 2017 by john graham

Now that the LLLP has officially joined the Cabinet, we have to go through an induction to the newspeak world of Cabinet responsibility.   This means we have to use one, or preferably more, of the following phrases in every speech or interview:-

“Brexit Means Brexit”

(This is whatever you want it to mean.  So nobody will have any idea what we really mean.  Including us.)

 

 

“There will be no turning back”

(We’re sailing into the great blue yonder, with no real idea of where we’re going.   So we won’t be turning back, but we may go all round the world and end up where we started.  Let’s just hope we’re not on board the Titanic!)

 

“We have listened to the people”

(But that doesn’t mean we have to do what they say after they elect us, so that’s ok then)

 

 

 

“We will help the just about managing”

(Although we won’t be very clear about what we mean by “just about managing”)

 

 

 

“We will protect the poorest in society”    

(This includes all the poor people in Scotland who already get free education and free social care.  But please note this quote is not to be used in conjunction with the quote about “just about managing”, nor the quote about “taxing the rich”.)

 

 “We don’t believe in taxing the rich”

(Because that includes all of us politicians and that wouldn’t be fair.)

 

 

 

So for the next 18 months, whilst Brexit is being negotiated, no Cabinet Minister should use any other phrases than the ones listed above.      So remember:-

BREXIT MEANS BREXIT

And we’ll keep saying it until we exit

Or don’t!

All other Last Laugh Looney Party communication beyond this point will only be done by occasional Cabinet leaks.  Which of course we will deny.

Posted in SMILES | Tagged | 2 Comments